How many ways can you kill a madman?
by Neku the Last Reaper
Summary: For anyone who has ever wanted to kill Hojo. Thank you for the nomination in the Genesis awards! Hojo has now died his last. I hope you all had fun!
1. Galian's Chew Toy

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did then Hojo would have been dead long ago.

**A/N: Okay I got this idea after reading my friend Bjanik's One Stroke (Which I recommend highly). How many ways can you kill a creepy mad scientist? Let's start with as many as we can. Hopefully this will end up having 100 when I'm through. So ladies, gentlemen, red flame tailed wolves, animatronics cats on mogs, and anyone else I forgot let's get Hojo killing! **

Professor Hojo was working in the lab; he smirked at his latest test subject. A young dark haired Turk lay strapped down to the table with his shirt removed, blood dripping gently out of the new cuts on his chest. "Well Valentine this is what you get for interfering in my work." The madman cackled walking over to some equipment to prepare another mako injection.

Vincent's eyes opened through a red haze, he could feel one of the demons howling in the back of his head. _Let me rip! Let me kill! Let me taste blood!_

_No… I won't…_ Vincent forced the thought. His head had been hurting ever since this entity had come into being. And its demands had gotten more forceful as the days dragged on in his privet hell.

The demon smirked. _You can't resist me forever Valentine!_

Vincent shuddered as another needle, the tenth or twelfth one of the day (he'd lost count after the ninth), entered at the wound on his stomach. He strained to keep his eyes open but he was losing both the struggle to stay conscious and the struggle to keep the demon contained.

The demon smirked as it felt the wall keeping it from taking over Vincent's body came crashing down. It let out a roar of triumph as he came into complete control of his new host. The human muscles started throbbing and swelling while sprouting bluish purplish fur, the skull contorting into a muzzle lined with razor sharp fangs matched by equally sharp claws growing from every finger and toe. Two long horns sprouted from his temples while a long white mane of fur replaced the midnight raven hair. The restraints couldn't handle the change and came flying off along with the medical equipment.

The Galian Beast rolled off the table, eyes focused on Hojo, who'd taken shelter behind a computer. It smirked, this was the man who'd imprisoned him inside of a mortal body, charging with surprising speed he charged the terrified man and latched onto his arm with those long once white fangs. Hojo yelped in pain as he felt the demon sinking his fangs in further. Galian Beast watched Hojo's reaction to being attacked mildly amused; it wanted to play with its food before it ate. And deranged psychopathic scientist sounded like a good meal after several hundred years.

The scientist in question had grabbed the IV stand and started trying to use it to get the wolfish creature off. It raised one hand and grabbed the IV before snapping the metal like a twig, sending the mako from the drip everywhere. Hojo let out a shriek as some splashed him on the forehead dripping into his eyes, Galian Beast took advantage of the sound and decided that despite normally liking to hear his prey scream and writhe, this sound was a nuisance. Letting go of the mangled arm it lunged at the thin neck, biting with just enough pressure to puncture the scrawny muscles but not snap the neck.

Hojo was still screaming noiselessly, as his vocal chords had all been severed, eyes wide with fear and horror that this was happening. Galian Beast snorted slightly as he felt Vincent starting to regain consciousness. Playtime was over, it was lunchtime now, it withdrew its fangs slightly before biting down with over 1000 pounds per square inch of force. The seven vertebra that made up the madman's neck all crunched into little shards while his caroted arteries were sliced open. Galian Beast gave his head a few rough shakes like a purple puppy with a new toy ripping the head clean off.

_That's enough… _Vincent pleaded from the back of the demon's mind, now aware of what had just happened. _Please stop before Lucrecia comes._

_Shut up Valentine, I did you a favor, I'll finish off the corpse then you get the chick. Works out for both of us, _Galian Beast reminded before starting to eat the corpse formerly known as Hojo.

_But what if she's mad about this… _The Turk wondered dismally.

_Just tell her you got no memory of it, she'll forgive you. She's that kinda chick, not shut up and let me eat. _The demon snarled before returning to its meal.


	2. I put rat poison in your coffee

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did Hojo would have died long ago.

**A/N: Chapter 2 comes from my absolutely wonderful friend Bjanik. And I'm sorry if some of these are completely ridiculous, I've been playing Crisis Core and need to relieve my depression. So there may be spoilers in future chapters. **

Kelly looked up, she'd been working for Shin-Ra for not even a year cleaning the labs and tables after hours. Typically her job entailed seeing few people however there were several who stuck around after most of the office left. One of her favorites was Tseng, the Turk Commander was a real gentleman and they had some good conversations if he was there when she went to clean his office. General Sephiroth also showed up once and a while, he never said much and he was quite honestly scary, less so now that he was busy with that Zack Fair recruit. But even the General's terror level paled in comparison to that of Professor Hojo of the scientific department.

Once a month when she went to clean his office he was always demanding she get him a cup of coffee. The man was infuriating beyond all reason, he lacked the refinement of Tseng, and even the General was somewhat chivalrous when he was around. But along with the lack of manners and treating her like a coffee fetch girl she swore she'd seen him try and make a Mideel Wildcat and a Nibel Wolf mate. That was just sick and wrong, she had two dogs and three cats at her home, and she hated to think what he would do with them.

Some nights she swore she could hear screaming coming from the direction of the lab. It was near the medical center so during the day it was put up to unruly patients, however at night it was scary going in there. Tonight was no different, she set her mop back on the cart and walked towards the lab, a lone light down the hall came from the familiar office.

Sighing she headed inside, "good evening Professor, need anything done?"

"Yes get me a cup of coffee, take out the trash, and Bench #3 has some blood on it. As much fun as watching cross contamination is I have a project I need kept _pure_." He ordered not looking up from his microscope.

"Yes sir," she forced past her gritted teeth.

Kelly pushed her cart back up the hall to the employee kitchen retrieving the mug reserved for his 12:19 am cup of coffee. Putting the beans in she sighed poring some boiling water out of the special tap. She was tired of him constantly treating her like garbage; it was time to do something about the man. Tseng and Sephiroth had both complained to her about him, it was clear that even the high-ranking officials had a problem with him.

She pored the coffee and walked over to her cart, there had to be something potent in here, she smirked finding the toilet bowl cleaner. Flicking the cap off she put some in the coffee, deciding a nice dose of glass cleaner would compliment it nicely before finally adding in the piece-du-resistance, a nice fat pellet of rat poison. Satisfied her witch's brew of poison was complete she took a wooden stir and mixed it all together.

When the poison pellet dissolved she pushed the cart back down the hall to his office, "I brought your coffee."

"Get back to work," was her only thank you as she set it down.

"Have a good night then Professor," she replied curtly; _I know I will, _she smirked watching from just outside the door.

He took a sip of the coffee; Kelly counted slowly in her head_ one, two, three, _Hojo stared at the cup for a minute. Had she been found out? Nevertheless she kept counting the seconds until the hot toxin hit his stomach. _Four, five, six, seven, eight. _

Hojo's body shuddered madly, his eyes tearing over, and he dropped the cup on the floor. The rest of the poison splattered everywhere, as the scientist's body went slack, head falling to the desk. A bit of blood trickling over his lips. She blinked; she'd actually done it. _Oh sweet Shiva, they're going to fire me!_

Her hand flew to her mouth at the thought when someone put their hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry."

"Mr. Tseng!" Kelly exclaimed seeing the Turk leader.

"They won't fire you, I've been considering doing the old man in myself but never got around to it. Too much paperwork, not enough free time, so thank you Ms. Kelly," he smiled politely.

"Um, you're welcome?" She replied.

"I'd like to see you in my office tomorrow when it's convenient for you, I'd like to talk to you about working for my department. You're knowledge of poisons intrigues me, now if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare for the paperwork." The Turk gave a formal nod before walking away.


	3. Frog martial arts

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. Otherwise Hojo would have died long ago.

**A/N Kudos to Lt. Commander Richie and Sylvie Liliea for chapter 3! I give credit where credit is due.**

Hojo was walking through the jungle towards Mideel; it was disgusting that he had to make this trip to the reactor. But one of his _specimens _had gotten loose and flown off to the jungle. Sighing he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up, he didn't care he was trailing the group. None of them were worth the effort of talking to anyway. He stepped cautiously through the dense vegetation thinking of all the poor animals going extinct that he should breed together to save them.

His foot stepped on something that let out a pained croak as he slipped back falling on his posterior hard. His tailbone hit a stick and he yelped before seeing what he'd slipped on. It was a frog of all things; it was a Shiva damn frog.

"You know you may be useful in my next experiment," the Professor muttered eyeing the teary eyed little frog. Frogs were highly susceptible to changes in environment, so maybe if he introduced some mako into its environment… he smirked reaching for the frog.

The little frog croaked alarmed, leaping away from the long gnarled fingers. It glared indignantly at the scientist, before launching at him and hitting him with one webbed fist in a froggy version of martial arts. Hojo reeled back as he was hit, clothing falling to the ground as the new Hojo frog clambered out of his clothing.

The real frog smirked sticking out his tongue and smacking his rear before leaping away, "see ya later sucker!"

Hojo frowned hopping up on a log, the group had moved well ahead looking like they didn't care that he'd been turned into a frog. He gave a half croak half growl, this wasn't a problem, he'd wait it out back at the airship, and someone there was bound to have a Maiden's Kiss on them. He turned hopping off towards the airship, over the rivers and through the jungle out into the field. The airship was in sight he croaked in joy at the sight.

However there was a rumbling growing steadily more violent, the froggy professor looked around to see a heard of chocobos charging at him. Letting out a sort of amphibious yelp he started trying to outrun them, but to no avail. The speeding yellow birds charged forward trampling him into the ground. One of the young chicks stopped as the rest of the group came to a halt to graze, the baby started to peck what was left of the frog amused. His little sharp beak went through the soft skull to the brain and killed the once somewhat human Hojo.


	4. Cait Sith can't drive

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did then Hojo would have died long ago.

**A/N Chapter 4, this one is the Cait Sith chapter, and his death comes courtesy of ItsTeotwawki.**

Cait Sith woke up from his battery recharge grinning cattishly up at Reeve Tuesti, "mornin' boss!"

"Good morning," Reeve looked unusually upset about something.

"What's goin' on?" The robot persisted.

"I think I want to kill Hojo," he replied picking Cait Sith up and holding him while looking out the window. "You're going to help me my feline friend."

"Ay the laddie's more trouble then he's worth," the gray and white head nodded.

"Okay so here's the plan," Reeve put his mouth by the cat's ear. Cait Sith nodded with another cattish grin, this would be worth it.

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Hojo was sitting at his table working with a microscope, Cait Sith tip toed by over to the tank with a large mysterious creature. The beast looked down at Cait blearily, "what do you want?" One of the heads asked.

"Ye want ter help me?" He whispered up at the large three-headed doggish creature. "We're goin' ter kill him."

The six ears pricked up one head keeping watch as Hojo left while the other two listened in, nodding their agreement. The third head made a low growl as footsteps came down the hall, Cait Sith hit the unlock button on the panel before waving and scurrying down the hall to the stairs for his job.

Hojo reentered walking over to the container, "so you're awake excellent, I think another mako injection… yes…" he walked over to a rather nasty looking array of needles before the dog made its move. All three heads were snarling and glaring at Hojo, who looked as though he had just wet himself. He sprinted as fast as he could to the door running for the stairs. The elevator was too far away to get to. The dog gave chase as Hojo clambered down twenty stories worth of stairs with a surprising amount of gusto for a decrepit old man.

He skidded to a halt by the emergency exit slamming through the door into a back alley, the three sets of mako enhanced eyes glaring daggers at him. He scrambled down the alley not looking where he was running into the street when, WHAM, a bus came out of nowhere, turning him into a crumpled pile of road kill. The bus stopped a short way off and Cait Sith opened the driver's side window waving at the large beast.

"He's all yer's now!" The cat called cheerfully, watching the large dog nod before the three heads started fighting over the body.


	5. CSI: Midgar

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. If I did Hojo would be dead long before the game started and Vincent would be my birthday present.

**A/N Alright as sappy as this sounds, this one is from a person near and dear, my mom. All flames about that will be used to incinerate Hojo at a later date.**

Reno knocked on the door of the apartment annoyed, "hey Professor ya in there?!"

Rude watched Reno try and pry the door open before the larger Turk simply delivered a well placed push kick and kicked the door down. "Professor?"

Reno walked on the door into the place, nothing out of the ordinary except for the water on the floor. Following the trail he entered the bathroom, he nearly keeled over from the smell, in the middle of the shower there was a moldy lump of some sort of decaying body. The spiky Turk squatted down and pulled out his EMR giving the think a good jab, whatever it was it was certainly dead. Rude walked in studying the large glob.

"What is it?" Reno asked poking it again.

"I think it was Hojo," Rude replied pulling on a gas mask.

Reno gave it a few more pokes before he reeled back dropping his EMR and clutching his nose, "Sweet Shiva! What the fuck was that?!"

"Decomposing bodies develop some noxious gasses in them, you just released some," the Turk replied comfortably from behind the gas mask.

"Aww shit," Reno muttered staggering over to the toilet and vomiting.

Rude leaned over and examined the body, "it looks like he died some time ago. We'll need to get the coroners over here. Damn I wish I'd done it but no chance now." He commented pulling out his phone and calling up Tseng.

"Same here," Reno muttered between heaves.

A few minutes later Tseng, Sephiroth, and Zack stood gathered around the body wearing masks, Reno finally had enough sense to put his on as well. The coroners wouldn't be there for several minutes and it would take the Turks a while to piece together the events. The silence was finally broken by Zack, "so what'dya think happened to him?"

"Not sure the investigation's going to take a while," Tseng replied examining the damaged shower knob.

"Damn I wanted to do it," the SOLDIER sighed putting his hands behind his head. "What about you Tseng?"

"Same, the man was far more trouble the he was worth," the Turk Commander agreed.

Sephiroth smirked, "I believe Zack said it best, 'damn I wanted to do it myself.'"

Over the next several weeks the Shin-Ra Company message boards were alive with rumors and theories of how Hojo died. Ranging from Tseng's assistant "he slipped on the soap in the shower." To Rufus Shin-Ra's "someone strangled him then made it look like an accident." All the way to Reno and Zack's "Sephiroth did it." The community pool was astoundingly high, everybody in the company seemed to want in on the idea of "How'd the lunatic die?"

Finally the results came back, Tseng sighed sending out a company wide email. His assistant saw the email and smirked slightly.

According to the recordings on the security cameras and the evidence pieced together by the CSI team (with a little imagination) this is their results.

Hojo yawned waking up and stretching hearing his joints pop as he got out of bed and meandered into the bathroom. His apartment was close to his lab, one of the main doors opened into the hall, the hidden one into the lab. He liked his illusion that he lived in his lab, kept those upstarts in line. He shrugged off his test tube patterned pajamas and stepped into the shower flicking on the hot water.

He fumbled for the soap once he'd soaked his body nicely, his hand closed on it but it slipped onto the floor of the shower. Hojo grunted bending over to pick it up, but a sudden thud at the door caught his attention. He stepped forward to head for the shower door but his foot fell instead on the bar of soap. The pressure on the soap was at just the right angle so it shot out like a bullet sending Hojo off balance. The pink bar ricocheted off of the door and hit Hojo squarely between the eyes. He fell back, head slamming against the knob for the water, it impacted so hard that it smashed a crack in Hojo's skull. He continued his fall from grace until he landed on his neck hard, there was a sickening crunch as his neck broke along with a full on break sprouting from the crack in his head. The rest of his body landed spread-eagled on the tiled floor.


	6. Hey look it's Jenova's head!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. If I did then Vincent would be mine and Hojo's head would be a trophy over my fireplace.

**A/N It's an original! The sequence here may end up being a somewhat running joke. And let's give a warm welcome to the spiky redhead Turk, Reno! And sorry to all you Sephiroth, Zack, Cloud, Tifa, and mi amor Vincent fans. This is the Nibelheim incident.**

Hojo smirked adjusting his glasses, a spiky blond boy, hardly older then sixteen; had just been brought before him. "Take him to the manor," he ordered the pair of scientists carrying the stretcher. The mad scientist walked up the narrow catwalk to the tank with Jenova's headless blue naked body in it. "Move it to the transport, we're taking it back to Midgar with us."

"Yes sir," they nodded preparing to move it out. Hojo made his way back down the catwalk for a small pool of blood on the side of the wall leading into the heart of the reactor.

Reno walked around the corner chewing on some sort of gum; he figured smoking in a reactor would get him blown halfway to the Lifestream. Sighing he pulled out a yo-yo and started walking the dog, it was a way to keep his wrists in good shape so he didn't get carpal tunnel syndrome from typing up damage reports. Flicking it up and down he started into rock the cradle before zipping it back up into his hand again.

That was when the Turk spotted Hojo, he smirked looking around suspiciously. No one was looking; no one was paying attention, no one would notice since everyone seemed to be running around like chocobos in mating season. Reno hated Hojo from the moment he'd met the scientist, the man was a class A freak, not to mention he had that funky chemical smell.

The Turk saw that Hojo was near the edge of the platform over the Lifestream, he smirked again getting an idea. He also took note of the headless Jenova, this was absolutely brilliant, he quickly strode over to the madman.

"Hey look it's Jenova's head!" Reno shouted in the man's ear pointing down into the heart of the reactor.

"Where?!" Hojo was on his feet leaning over the edge in an instant.

Reno shoved him over into the heart of the reactor watching him fall, "whoops my bad, guess it was your ugly mug." He pulled out his yo-yo walking away.

Tseng saw Reno walking away from the small puddle of blood where he'd seen Hojo only moments before. "Reno, where's Hojo?"

"Who's Hojo yo?" Reno asked casually, perfectly unconcerned. Tseng wasn't in a joking mood; this situation was serious enough as it is. "Oh that Hojo," Reno caught on, "he's down there." He pointed at the Lifestream.

Tseng walked over to the edge where Hojo had been examining the blood, "I don't see him. Reno did you push him?" 

"No sir," Reno put on his best innocent face.

"Is he dead?" Tseng continued.

"I guess so," Reno shrugged.

"I want the report on my desk by Monday." The Turk Commander stood up and walked back into the room with the mako pods.

Reno rolled his eyes before blowing a bubble and playing with the yo-yo some more.


	7. Melon smashing on the beach

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. I do however own a copy of Crisis Core.

**A/N For my friend lithiumkatana17! WARNING: Crisis Core Spoilers. Viewer discretion is advised. And let's give a big hand to our guest today, the star of Crisis Core: Zack Fair! Oh and the TV report is courtesy of Yahriel. Earlier I received a message that this piece was nominated for a Genesis Award! Thank you all for your support!**

Zack sighed, this week had been one of the worst in his life, and he'd had some bad weeks before. This was worse then the first time Sephiroth ever beat him bloody in training, worse then the first time he'd been shot, worse then his first trip to the dentist. He felt sick, no wonder Sephiroth had sent him down there, he needed the rest desperately. _Angeal… _He thought dismally before something caught his eye, a hunched white lab coated figure.

Hojo was walking over to a lounge chair with a parasol. Zack growled, the other day he'd seen Hojo trying to do something to Sephiroth, and now that he thought about it that whole lab mess was all Hojo's fault. He was in a bad mood; the madman was a good target. The SOLDIER rather hated Hojo, mostly for the things he'd done to Sephiroth and potentially a lot of people he knew. He looked around, realizing that his Buster Sword was back in Midgar, an ocean away from Costa del Sol.

Zack stood up grabbing his parasol, it would do as far as a weapon, it was about the same length and actually lighter then his mentor's sword. Hojo had walked over to the beach examining the water; the SOLDIER folded in his parasol and crept over to Hojo silently. Bringing the large umbrella over his head he swung down hard on Hojo's head.

The fabric couldn't stand up to the swing; one of the spines broke through and stabbed the scientist in the head. Zack forced it out, normally seeing some grey and red bits stuck on the end; he eyed the fallen body before looking around nervously. He grabbed the corpse's upper arms and dragged it into the outgoing tide letting it drift away before heading over to his chair, sticking the parasol back in the ground and relaxing back in the seat.

The next morning he and Sephiroth; dressed in sunglasses and a rather nice button down silk dragon and tiger shirt with some black shorts, Zack still in nothing but his black swim trunks, were sitting at the tiki bar watching the sports scores. During the commercial break Sephiroth raised a silver eyebrow at the news bulletin.

"New at 9! The head of Shin-Ra's Scientific Department was found washed up on the beach dead this morning. Eyewitnesses say that a man with spiky black hair, a cross-shaped scar on his left cheek, and swim trunks was seen near the scene of the crime. We will be bringing you more details as we get them."

Sephiroth turned to his second, "Zack."

"What? No one hurts my commander, besides I think I've had a bad enough week as it is. Give me a break would ya?" The SOLDIER looked at his commander.

"Alright, now I'm regretting not joining you yesterday. Where was Cissnei during this?" The silver haired SOLDIER asked.

Zack shrugged, "Tseng called her away, and can you believe he showed up at the beach in his suit?"

Sephiroth cracked a small fleeting smile at the thought.


	8. Back in Black

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, iTunes, AC/DC, Voltaire, or any of their music apart from the stuff I hear on youtube.

**A/N Alright this one is the result of some YouTube surfing, combined with a passion of loving music. I am sorry about the end, too many Red vs. Blue videos.**

Sephiroth growled slightly, that infernal racket, it was grating on his last nerve, it was something unusual from the lab. It was music, normally this wouldn't bother him but Hojo seemed to be singing along with it. The SOLDIER Commander had already had a horrible day; he'd spent half the morning locked in a staff meeting with Heidegger and Scarlet. Then got the memo he needed to be in the lab for a "checkup", the last place on Gaia he wanted to go to. But then to hear Hojo singing, he'd rather be stuck in the desert surrounded by chocobos singing "Row Your Boat."

"And it's so easy when you're evil,

This is the life you see

The devil tips his hat to me!

I do it all because I'm evil!  
And I do it all for free!

Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!" Hojo was a fifth and change off key horribly.

Sephiroth winced as he stepped into the lab; he outright blanched seeing Hojo doing the pelvic thrust dance on the lab table. The man was dancing on the table badly, singing out of tune, it was time to put an end to the ludicrous farce. Glaring at the scientist he grabbed Hojo by the shoulder before his other hand shot up and reached around to his esophagus.

Hojo had stopped singing and was now squealing like a pig, "Se-se-se-ephiroth. Wh-what a surprise."

Sephiroth's fingers closed and he put his free hand on Hojo's chest. In one fluid movement he pushed with the hand on the chest and pulled with the grabbing hand, ripping Hojo's throat clean out. The SOLDIER Commander stomped hard on the scientist's foot before grabbing his leg and hurling the man in the air slamming his fist into the scientist's face and sending him flying into the ground cracking the tiles.

He bent down and wiped his hands off on Hojo's lab coat before spotting the personal terminal with Hojo's iTunes pulled up. He logged Hojo out pulling up his own account; he smirked at the iTunes window for a minute scrolling through the music. He changed the song over to one of his personal favorites. As he stepped back he looked around, he was alone in the room and what was wrong with a little fun now and again?

"Back in Black

I hit the sack

I've been too long

I'm glad to be back!  
Yes I'm let loose

From the noose

That's kept me hangin' around

I been lookin at the sky

Cause it's getting me high

Forget the hearse cause I never die

I got nine lives

Cat's eyes

Abusin' every one of them and runnin' wild…."

Zack meanwhile who had been looking for Sephiroth, who was overdue at another staff meeting, peaked through the door seeing Sephiroth singing along and dancing. He smirked pulling out his camera phone and hit record.


	9. Worst ransom ever

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, or the Godfather.

**A/N I'm sorry I haven't done any requests in a while, I've been trying to conserve ideas. That and tomorrow is my birthday so I'm planning something slightly bizarre for it. Again my humble apologies. Next week requests are more then welcome. WARNING: Slight Crisis Core Spoilers.**

Rufus sighed staring at the note, looking up at the group, and then back at the note, he sighed and began to read out loud. "We have kidnapped Professor Hojo, if you do not pay us 100,000,000 gil in unmarked denominations we will kill our hostage. If you wish to see him again then leave the gil at the abandoned weapons warehouse in the S6 sector. We will bring Hojo there and make the deal at midnight. You have one week to gather the ransom and make your decision." He finished looking up at the collective group, his father was out on one of those medical leave trips to the hot springs leaving Rufus in charge, not that he minded though. "Does anyone want him back?"

Scarlet thought for a moment and clapped her hands, "this means the Weapons Department will get a bigger budget!"

Palmer nodded, "same with the Space Department!"

Heidegger smirked, "those AVALANCHE bastards won't last much longer."

Reeve sighed, "we should use the extra money for housing projects in the slums."

"No we need to increase the Weapons budget!" Scarlet snapped.

Sephiroth and Tseng just looked at each other and raised an eyebrow before looking at Rufus who appeared to have hit his head against the table mouthing something along the lines of, 'I'll take that as a no'. The pair pulled out their phones, Tseng leaving a message with Reno while Sephiroth's second, Angeal, picked up, "Angeal its me."

"General," the SOLDIER greeted watching the group grappling carefully, ignoring an ache in his right shoulder.

"Hojo's been kidnapped, so I won't be attending group drill," he got right to the heart of the matter.

"Would you like them to do anything beyond usual?" Angeal asked.

"Keep them going the whole time." Sephiroth answered, Angeal knew how group drill went; they'd made a good choice electing him Second.

"Yes sir," he hung up looking at the young Second Class, Zack Fair. "Let's try that again."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A week later the kidnappers stood in the warehouse, midnight having come and gone. "Damn it where are they?!" One shouted.

"There could have been a reason he was so easy to capture," another replied looking at the bound and gagged scientist.

The first one shook his head, "it's hopeless, let's just take him back, they obviously don't want him."

The second one grabbed the scientist and picked him up, the kidnappers made their way over to the entrance of the Shin-Ra building. The one with Hojo threw him down on the stairs and the pair walked away, they knew they should have kidnapped Palmer when they had the chance.

Tseng sighed as he walked towards the building, it had been a long day yesterday and he hadn't had much sleep. That was when he spotted Hojo; he thought the man had been kidnapped, though the fact Shin-Ra didn't come to pay the ransom probably meant he was a useless hostage. The Turk walked carefully around Hojo's back silently until he was inside and pulled out his phone dialing up several of the Turks.

"It's me, listen, Hojo's outside, I want him disappeared." He muttered quickly hanging up.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

A few hours later in the slums some kids were playing ball, one threw it a little too far and it landed in one of the wells. The other ran over to get it and stopped to see a body with feet encased in cement at the bottom of the well. "Hey big brother," he pointed at the body, which looked suspiciously like Professor Hojo, "this guy are sick!"


	10. Rock Star's Redemption

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, or Gackt, or Redemption. As much as I would love to.

**A/N Alright we all know what anyone who has ever been experimented on by Hojo wants for their birthday (okay so technically he wasn't experimented on by Hojo but still). And as a Gackt fan, I couldn't resist Mr. Rhapsodos coming in for a thrill. If you don't know what the microphone stand looks like by the description I encourage you to get YouTube and watch either Diabolos or the Redemption MV.**

Genesis Rhapsodos looked up from his book, he'd been rereading _Loveless_ for the fifty-second time, and he was also taking a break from his vocal practice. His unusually shaped microphone stood next to his stool, the electric guitar leaning against its stand. He loved his microphone, the way it hooked over, the fact it appeared to be made out of black snake bones, it was perfect.

Though he was distracted by the arrival of Professor Hojo, for a while now the SOLDIER had been coming in and practicing for his after hours performances as a rock star known as Gackt Camui. But he'd been practicing in Hojo's lab, as it turned out the lab was acoustically useful as it let him listen to himself while he played. However he hadn't been expecting the scientist to come in at four in the morning.

Hojo adjusted his glasses, "what are you doing in here?"

"Practicing, I do believe there is no rule about using the lab," Genesis looked back at his book turning the page.

"Yes but I believe it is defecting by leading a double life as a rock star," the scientist smirked.

Genesis snapped his copy of _Loveless_ shut standing up, "yes, and so far you're the only one who's found out."

"Well I'll be willing not to let it slip that you're disobeying Shin-Ra directives if you're willing to help me with a few experiments," Hojo offered smirking.

「Revenge is scared into my soul. Agonizing for its arrival our wishes become our relief---Sleep where you are equable.」 Genesis quoted quietly.

He glanced around; he'd left his claymore back in the Armory next to the Masamune and Buster Sword. He had to get rid of Hojo; he had enough problems as it was without the madman adding any more to the equation. He put his hand up and summoned a large fireball and shot it off at Hojo, he clenched his fist dousing the fire leaving only a pile of ashes where Hojo had been standing.

He sighed looking up at the clock; he had another fifteen minutes before he needed to hide his stuff. Of course that was only because that was the time when Hojo would show up, he could get more practice in now. Picking up his guitar he put it on and sat back down tapping the mic back to life.

"_Your form which returns gently to heaven_

_I watched it for the longest time, until my tears dried up._

_And the sorrow overflowing from the scar which can't be erased,_

_I swore that I would never forget it._

_I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all some day, you'll see,_

_Until the last bell ringing the dirge completes_

_Red tears traced by a trembling finger,_

_It crashes through the dark memories._

_The last smile wavered, and disappears,_

_And the warmth is all that's left._

_Your kind and gentle words can't heal me now,_

_This body's only dedicated to the never ending fight._

_Because everyone returns to heaven, some day,_

_You'll never need to say goodbye._

_Break out!_

_I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all some day, you'll see,_

_Until the last bell ringing the dirge completes._

_Your kind and gentle words can't heal me now,_

_This body's only dedicated to the never ending fight."_


	11. I'm not staying

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. If I did then Vincent would have been more then a picture on my birthday card.

**A/N Hi alls! Well now that the hilarity and jokes of my birthday are over, it's back to the serious work of killing Hojo. And since I just recently did a Sephiroth one and have had requests for him, a howl at the moon for Nanaki! (I call him Nanaki as opposed to Red XIII)**

Nanaki sat up, looking around the lab, he'd already tried escape several times, the last time he'd been put through flames worse then those of the Gi. He put his head back on his paws, any minute now Hojo would walk through those doors with a sedative and put Nanaki out cold, then drag him into the lab and strap him down before doing Gaia knows what to him. The wolf started to drift off, he was sick of struggling when Hojo came, only he usually came with two or three people as a precaution.

Just as the thoughts of sleep crossed his mind he remembered his mother, she was brave and strong, not like his cowardly father. His eyes snapped open at the thought of dying like his cowardly father, no he would not die like Seto. Hojo walked in while the thought of death crossed Nanaki's mind, he'd had enough of being some lab rat.

"Well I see your awake, you would have been so _perfect_ asleep. Now come over here and take your medicine like a good boy," Hojo sneered sticking the hand with the needle in there.

Nanaki did as told and walked over pretending to sway slightly before he got in range. Springing with his superior speed and biting Hojo on the arm hard, the scientist tried to jerk his hand back but Nanaki held on. Hojo opened the door in an effort to get his leg around to kick the wolf.

"I refuse to be your pet any longer," Nanaki snapped as he shook his head hearing Hojo's arm snap. He let go before launching at Hojo's collar bone. Digging his fangs in he started dragging Hojo out through the lab to the balcony, with some effort he shoved the scientist up onto the rail putting him hanging over the edge. Finally he grabbed Hojo's leg and put his front paws on the rail, dangling Hojo like bait.

"Wait why are you doing this?!" Hojo screamed in a high pitched childish voice.

"Because you are less human then a worm," Nanaki replied, dropping Hojo in the process.

He smirked seeing Hojo hit the ground some stories below with a satisfying squish. He stepped back from the railing pretending to kick some dirt with his back paws before casually strolling out of the Shin-Ra building, only getting a weird look from Reno. "Whoa… I gotta lay off the booze…"


	12. Flower power

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, I wish I did but I don't.

**A/N I'm sorry about all of the Crisis Core spoilers lately. I apologize if putting some in there has driven people away… I really do. Anyway after a little idea from little dog and a replay through the original with a hint of Monty Python, a warm round of applause for Aerith Gainsborough!**

Hojo walked across the bridge between the plates carefully, it was an extrememly windy day and even steel and concrete bridges swayed in them. He had a horrible inner ear and he could feel the bridge moving with every step he took, it was part of the reason his lab was underground. On bad days the whole Shin-Ra building swayed violently and made the scientist sick to his stomach. 

He staggered over to the handrail clutching it, his feet still drunkenly dancing to keep him standing upright betrayed him. One foot hooked behind his calf and he slid over the rail. During the course of his free fall for fifty meters he wondered something aloud, "I've been falling for a really long time. In theory I should have hit…" he started before hitting the ground.

Despite the fall he'd been slowed down by the roof of a small church and he landed on a bed of flowers. Sitting up he realized that a very soft Choco Bush had broken his fall to where he hadn't broken any bones. The soft and springy texture of the shrub must have cushioned his impact. Sliding off of it he found himself in a bed of yellow and white flowers, he touched one watching it almost wilt under his fingers.

"Excuse me but what do you think you are doing?!" A young female voice shouted.

"Oh why hello there little Aerith," he sneered at her feeling his body start to itch.

"It's you!" She exclaimed, "Professor Hojo!"

"Correct," he replied starting to scratch, he just realized he was having an allergic reaction. "Now be a dear and get me some medication. I seem to be allergic to these, _interesting_, flowers."

She considered him for a minute, this was the man who had had her father murdered, her mother captured. There was no way she would help him, "hmm… alright but first you have to do something for me."

"Fine," he stated starting to scratch more violently. "What do you want?"

"I want, a shrubbery, since you ruined the flowers you need to fix up a new one," she folded her arms glaring at him. "If you do that then I may consider giving you some medicine."

He nodded feeling sicker by the moment, his head felt watered down, his throat fell like it was swelling shut, and his body felt shaky. "Just give me the medicine!" He lunged for her, she leaped back pulling out her retractable staff slamming it into his head.

He fell to the ground feeling sicker, she scooped him up and spun around a few times flinging him out through the front door. He hit a pile of pipes and sent the stack toppling onto himself. There was a small trickle of blood running out through the mess of metal, the ringing of the crash reverberating everywhere.

Aerith watched for a moment before starting to fix the flowers, Hojo had killed the Choco Bush, along with the rest of that shrubbery. Sighing she started digging up the plants before burying them hoping their spirits would be at peace.


	13. WhackaHojo

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. Otherwise there would be more Vincent.

**A/N I've decided to bring in an odd choice for today, please welcome Weiss the Immaculate and Nero the Sable. Please note this is pre-Dirge and pre-Dirge Online so they are still kids. Oh and thank you to The Third Demi-God for the method, I do so enjoy the graphic nature of it.**

Weiss looked around, Nero was supposed to be back from the final stages of 'treatment,' as the hunched little scientist called it, hours ago. Despite the fact that Nero was a Tsviet he was still only a little kid, Weiss was worried about his little brother. The Immaculate Emperor stood up and went down the winding streets of the treatment center, his youthful but powerful form carrying him quickly to the Center. He stopped peering in through one of the windows, seeing Nero lying on one of those awful tables looking like he was about to die.

"Nero…" Weiss muttered seeing the hunched little man standing there with a needle jabbing it into Nero's neck. The Deepground Commander felt his fists clench as his hands flew to the two gunblades he was wearing. Leaping through the glass he sent a crystal cascade everywhere as he sliced off the arm of the hunched little man in glasses. The severed limb hit the ground leaving a long trail of blood as it rolled away.

The hunched little man in glasses let out a squeal, "Weiss! What do you think you are doing?!"

"What I'm doing? What are you doing to my brother?!" Weiss accused pointing the bloody sword at the scientist.

"Brother…" Nero's eyes opened peering at Weiss lovingly behind the mask, "You came…"

"That's right! Now who are you?" Weiss asked glaring at the man, hunched up on the ground clutching the bloody stump of his arm.

"I am Professor Hojo! I made you who you are!" He replied through gritted teeth. He grabbed a gun pointing it at Weiss smirking.

Nero scrambled to his feet tackling Hojo, "stay away from my brother!" The younger Tsviet summoned up a host of tendrils of darkness and ripped off Hojo's other arm.

Weiss sheathed the gunblades and walked over to Hojo's first lost arm, "hey Nero, you remember how we used to play Whack-a-Tonberry back home at the arcade after school?"

The dark haired Tsviet nodded, "yep! I 'member!" He grabbed the other arm walking over to Hojo with his brother. The brothers raised the severed limbs and started beating Hojo over the head with them; he'd been steadily bleeding out from the injuries and died several minutes after they'd started. The boys finally fell over laughing, "that was great!"

Nero nodded, "yeah! Hey Weiss, thanks for coming." He turned his head to look at his brother.

Weiss turned his head, blue eyes meeting amber, "you're my brother. I'm supposed to protect you. Now then, how about I make some okonomiyaki for dinner?"

Nero scrambled to his feet to help his brother up, "sure!" They climbed through the window and walked off down the street. "Hey Weiss? You're the best."


	14. Never mess with the princess

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, nor do I own a bar.

**A/N: Well after a whirlwind of essays and hunting down game scripts I am going to relax. And as a show of good will towards AnnaCamille and the rest of the group, I decided on a special show of friendship. Ladies and gentlemen, the proprietor of Seventh Heaven, Ms. Tifa Lockheart!**

Tifa was polishing down the bar, she sighed, it was a slow day, and she'd barely had any customers. The martial artist had been scrubbing the same spot for fifteen minutes, she'd never admit but she was a bit worried, Barret was late getting back. She stopped her obsessive cleaning as the bells on the door rang, "welcome back," she started to say assuming that it was Barret back with Jessie, Biggs, Wedge, and Cloud. She stopped cold seeing someone unexpected there.

Hojo stood there glaring around shifting his glasses, he hated the slums, but he'd caught wind that there was one of his favorite projects on the loose here. The search and the stench had driven him to desire a drink, this place seemed as respectable as a slum bar could get. He noticed Tifa staring at him, "quit gaping and get me a glass of your finest white wine."

She blinked back to reality remembering what Zangan had told her about this man, he was the one who'd taken away that one SOLDIER, Zack. Her sensei had also mentioned something about him being the root of some discord with the SOLDIERs, in other words he was the cause of Nibelheim's destruction. On top of that he was Shin-Ra and they were all a bunch of corrupt bureaucrats Her fist holding the towel clenched, other hand snaking around to her gloves, she pulled on the leather, "right away."

Springing over the bar she planted a solid punch on his face sending him slamming into the wall. He grunted hitting the wall hard, his face started to swell up and he groaned as he hit the floor crumbling up. His eyes closed as Tifa walked over and kicked him in the ribs until she could hear the satisfying crack of his ribs as hey broke. "That was my father! It's your fault he's dead! I hate you! Damn Shin-Ra!"

The scientist lay still clutching his ribs struggling to breathe, "well it would seem you don't like me… Funny…" he choked.

Tifa's eyes narrowed as she stomped on his head digging the heel of her boot into his temple, "oh gee what gave you that idea?!"

His body went limp; in martial arts training it was common knowledge that if one struck a person in the temple hard enough it could kill them. And that was precisely what happened, Tifa saw his body slacken, she looked around suspiciously, and there would be trouble if they saw a dead body in the bar. She grabbed the collar of his jacket and dragged him out to the dumpster, trash was collected the next day. Hopefully the smell would mask the decomposing body smell until then.

As she walked back in taking her gloves she saw Barret come back in, "welcome back!"

"Hey Teef, where's Marlene?" He asked looking around.

"Oh she's upstairs working on a picture for you," the martial artist replied, it was the truth, a few minutes later Marlene came running down the stairs with a piece paper.


	15. Maybe he has some materia

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, agreed?

**A/N Did you know if you look at the Japanese kanji for woman and take it apart in order of the strokes it makes Kunoichi (a female ninja)? Which should clue you into today's guest, ladies and gentlemen let's welcome Yuffie Kisaragi!**

Yuffie groaned, she was bored out of her mind, the ninja academy was out for the day and she didn't feel like homework, let's face it who does? She looked out the window, a small man with glasses was inspecting something on the family guardian statue. He looked pretty important, maybe he had some materia. She got a grin like a cat, if she could steal it then maybe her lazy bum of a dad would see that Wutai could be just as powerful as Shin-Ra!

Hojo was outside inspecting some flowers, he'd come outside after his soak in the hot springs of the palace, he'd been invited out as a guest of Emperor Godo in a show of good faith to Shin-Ra. The scientist sighed, this place was so boring, he was expecting something interesting like a ninja attack or something entertaining. But no, there was nothing even vaguely of interest out here, he was debating whether or not to cut his trip short for the sake of getting back to something interesting in the lab.

Slipping out the door Yuffie tip toed past all the guards and grabbed her shuriken off of the wall. Sneaking outside she found the man now studying some dead bird, this guy was creepy now that Yuffie got a better look at him. Sneaking up behind him she smacked him with the shuriken, only her hand slipped so it was with the point as opposed to the side.

"Oww…" Hojo moaned as he fell over, brain stem severed. Swift as a swallow his neural functions shut down and he went into cardiac arrest.

Yuffie stared for a moment, she quickly pilfered the corpse of any sort of materia it had before looking around nervously, "crap their gonna kill me if they find the guy!"

She picked up the body and dragged him behind the bush, though it was obvious since his legs were sticking out. "Not good," she squaked picking him up and shoving him into the nearest tree.

As soon as it was up there it fell out landing on the ground with a squishy thud. "Ack not good!" She grabbed the body and started dragging him towards the gates.

She felt her breath catch in her lungs as she quickly pulled the corpse over to the wall. Her father had actually left the palace and was standing on the balcony looking around, that was really bad right now. Not only because he'd be miffed she'd accidentally killed some guy but because, and the far worse of the two, she wasn't doing her homework. She was already failing in two of her classes but she hadn't told him that, and she'd rather him not catch her doing something that might make him suspect she was busted. After an eternity he went back inside and she continued her quest to hide the body.

Yuffie hid behind the building as she saw a man with silver hair and another man with short spiky black hair walk by. They were guests at the palace, and if they saw a dead body then there would be trouble big time. She dragged the body out through the front gates towards the woods, no one would look there, she pulled it off of the path and started pulling braches over it. When she was satisefyed no one would stumble across it she brushed her hands together and walked back to the palace ogling her new materia.


	16. Balloons are deadly too

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, despite my muse saying I do.

**A/N Alright in honor of the International Balloon Fiesta that starts on Saturday, I decided to resurrect the Jenova's head joke. Ladies and Genetlemen, the airship pilot, Cid Highwind!**

Cid looked around lighting off the burner, everything seemed to be in working order, his team was on the crown line gently letting the envelope stand up with the heat. Finally the large Shin-Ra balloon was standing up and ready to go. The pilot thought about getting a cigarette but decided against it and grumbled about it for a moment. For some reason old man Hojo wanted to use a balloon for a high altitude testing. Cid looked around seeing Hojo coming out of the hangar all bundled up in what looked like something he'd been given by his mom.

" 'Bout time," the pilot grumbled.

Hojo climbed into the balloon, "I want you to hold position at exactly half a mile above ground until I say otherwise." He pulled his coat tighter too him, he needed to know if his next set of Sephiroth clones would be able to withstand high altitude work. An airship couldn't be slowed down enough for him to do any accurate work, that and he always had a throbbing headache from the grinding of the engines. A balloon was much better suited to what he wanted to do.

Cid grunted before he waved his hand to bring the crown line in, the balloon already seemed to want to take off. The emergency red line leading up to the top came swinging forward into the basket nicely. He put a hand on the burner and lit it off again as the crew picked up the basket to get it going. He shot off the burner again gaining altitude, shooting it off at regular intervals until he reached the desired altitude. Unfortunately Hojo didn't approve, "you're six feet too high."

The pilot growled and let out some of the air, he was in an extremely bad mood, Hojo just plain rubbed him the wrong way. Not to mention it was really early, he hadn't had any tea and he was half asleep, which was a bad combination when flying anything. Glancing out over the rim of the basket Cid smirked, "hey what's that?" He pointed at a small hairy silver object over the edge of the basket.

Hojo leaned over, "it's Jenova's hea-ah-ah-aaaaaaaah!" He leaned over a little too far and with a little encouragement from Cid's foot he went toppling over the edge of the basket. Cid walked over to see a small puff of dust when he hit the ground.

After another hour or so flying around in the balloon he called up the group back at the hangar acting as the chase crew, or the guys who got the balloon from the landing point. "Hey guys one to pick up."

"Why one Captain?" One of the men asked on the other end of the radio.

"Let's just say the bastard had a 'run in' if you catch my drift," Cid smirked, "and bring me a thermos of Earl Gray tea while you're at it."


	17. Buster's day off

Disclaimer: I own neither Final Fantasy nor Mythbusters.

**A/N I love the Mythbusters. So after watching them crash car after car I feel it's time the people who put up with Hojo's criticism daily got a shot. Ladies and Gentlemen the staff of Shin-Ra's Scientific Department!**

Jenkins sighed looking at the mangled crash test manikin; they'd really done a number on it this time. He looked at the prototype of the new Shin-Ra car before stooping down to pick up one of the legs. "I think we're gonna need another one."

His friend Aaron sighed, "Well that's just it. We're out of them. We destroyed them all in our earlier tests."

Jenkins rolled his eyes, "wonderful. Did Professor Hojo fill our request for an order of supplies we need?"

"No and he threw coffee cup at my head, with the coffee still in it," Aaron indicated the bandage wrapped around his forehead.

"That geezer, he always takes credit for our work and when we fail he blames it on us!" Jenkins shouted kicking the scrap metal of the buggy.

"Calm down man! You're gonna get sacked if they here you say that too loud!" Aaron put his hand on Jenkins's shoulder.

He stopped his ranting for a moment, "Hey, I just had a good idea." He put his head by Aaron's and started whispering in his friend's ear. Aaron started to get a rather large grin on his face. He nodded as Jenkins quickly left the lab while Aaron started to get everything set up.

Jenkins knocked cautiously on Hojo's door, "um Professor?"

"What? I am in the middle of my greatest discovery ever!" Hojo shouted looking up at the young scientist.

_Yeah you're only discovery ever you pompous ass, _Jenkins thought, "sorry to bother you sir but we need your help with our experiment."

"Not interested," Hojo snapped.

"Sir it could revolutionize public transportation! We'd credit everything to you! You'd be a household name!" Jenkins replied feinting surprise of rejection.

A thoughtful look crossed Hojo's face, "hmm… alright I'll help you, boy."

Jenkins nodded heading back towards the lab, this would be good. He opened the door to a long plastic tunnel that led to a door with a chair on the other side. "Okay Professor all you have to do is sit down."

Hojo nodded sitting on the chair. Jenkins closed and locked the door; he looked up at Aaron and gave him a wave. The scientist nodded hitting a large green button, the engine of the prototype roared to life and sped off down the track. Inside Hojo was screaming like a pansy, despite that he noticed his pants were distinctly moist. However he had little time to contemplate this, the test car slammed into the wall at sixty-five kilometers per hour.

Aaron climbed down from the test booth while Jenkins ran down the track. The pair banged their arms together, "very nice!"

"Yeah it was sweet! I think he wet himself!" Aaron laughed.

Jenkins let out a howl of laughter before sighing, "ya know we just got rid of the dummy and we still have no more manikins."


	18. Anyone like pancakes?

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy; if I did then Hojo's hide would be a rug in my bedroom.

**A/N After a request for this by little dog, and a regular idea from the Hojo's Hate Club at FF7 I give you Barret Wallace! Oh and this is roughly on Disc 1 where you storm the Shin-Ra building hence the original game dialogue! I cut some out for Hojo's death sake.**

Barret grunted, all of these damn stairs. He never wanted to see another flight of stairs as long as he lived. Why the hell were they even taking the stairs?! He watched Tifa and Cloud racing up the stairs, "How much farther do these stairs go?"

"Why don't you ask them?!" Tifa snapped.

"Are we there yet?" He asked looking at Tifa, who was already up the next flight.

"No," she replied.

"There yet?" Barret persisted.

"No," Tifa sounded annoyed.

After what seemed like an eternity of climbing stair after stair they finally reached the top, they snuck past the first few sets of guards easily enough. When they finally made it to the 65th floor the group leaned around the corner, it was the laboratory level. Barret grumbled before spotting something to take his frustration out on, a small little man in a white coat heading for his home in the lab. With a burst of second wind he sprang forward and put Hojo into a full Nelson.

The scientist yelped, he was on his way to check how the Ancient and the wolf were 'getting along'. He hadn't been doing anything, it was his lab, and he could do what he wanted.

Cloud and Tifa ran forward, "what are you doing?"

"This is for Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge!" Barret shouted throwing Hojo to the ground and dropping onto Hojo with his elbow.

Hojo moaned as he felt his jaw break along with several of his ribs from Barret's weight drop on him. Barret shifted around until he was seated comfortably on Hojo, one of his boot heels digging into Hojo's windpipe. He looked around at Tifa, "hey get Spike to Cure me up or toss me a potion."

Tifa blinked, "Um Barret you know you're sitting on Hojo right?"

"Yeah so? Jes get Spike over there to get us all patched up," he replied shifting his foot so it was resting against Hojo's chin.

Cloud sighed, "Cure All," he muttered casting the spell on the group. Once that was taken care of he bent over seeing Hojo's eyes bugging out of his head. The man's lips were starting to lose color and he didn't seem to be moving or breathing. Cloud took the scientist's non-existent pulse. "Hey Barret. I think he's dead."

Barret looked down, "damn, well we should get movin'. After all someone's bound to show up if we waited here all night." He stood up running down the hall, Tifa and Cloud shook their heads running after him.


	19. Twinkies deadly in new ways

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, Kleenex or Twinkies. Honestly I wouldn't own Twinkies if you begged me.

**A/N Well I recently found out about these wonderfully horrific treats, Fried Twinkies. They sounds nasty but they're actually not that bad, unlike Hojo. Besides if you think about it in this context they really aren't so bad, after all you should be careful what you eat. Polish off your sunglasses, Rude is up today.**

Rude adjusted his sunglasses watching Hojo from behind a tortilla stand where Reno was hitting on the girl at the register. That little man was the root of every problem with Shin-Ra the Turk had ever come across. Not that he didn't mind earning his keep; it was just so infuriating sometimes to be with Reno during one of his info escapades. He sighed putting a hand in his jacket for a Kleenex. His fingers brushed several tiny remote bombs, "Reno, I'll be back."

"Whatever," came Reno's airy reply, "so then what's you're number?"

Hojo looked around from his spot in line, it was the annual Kalm Regional Fair. The children were laughing, which he found annoying, after all people screaming in agony was a symphony all its own. He came here looking for specimens for an experiment out of the livestock that were brought here, these were of the highest quality breeding thus would last far longer. He'd put a temporary halt to his hunt to get something to eat, fried Twinkies. The hard shell and soft creamy inside made them absolutely perfect treats in the scientist's opinion.

The line was moving quickly enough but something was wrong, he'd seen the Turks wandering around here. Tseng was being too soft letting them come here; he'd noticed that bald fellow with the spiky nuisance hanging around in particular. Hojo sighed as he made his way closer to the front of the line, just once he wouldn't like any interference from those two.

Rude meanwhile, had slipped under the stand setting the detonation devices on the legs and was busy telling the staff that there was an emergency meeting at the main tent while Hojo came up to the counter.

"Excuse me, this is not a Fried Twinkie stand, this is actually a street performance, if you wish to buy Fried Twinkies head fifteen stands to the south," Rude announced without Hojo noticing as he pulled out a small remote.

Hojo was glaring at the stand frustrated, "hello! Is anyone there?! Fatuous imbeciles must be on break." He grumbled.

Rude pushed the button, the explosives broke apart the legs of the stand, as it collapsed the cooking oil flew into the air and splashed all over Hojo. He let out a shriek louder then anyone on the roller coaster while he fell to the ground writhing about. The rest of the stand toppled over on top of him and slowly the shrieking faded out.

Reno walked over with the girl from the tortilla stand eating some cotton candy, "what the hell happened here?" He looked at Rude.

"Shin-Ra technology at it's finest. Call it a field test," Rude replied adjusting his sunglasses content.


	20. Everyone say aww

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, or a kitten, I wish I did but I don't.

**A/N Hello my wonderful readers! Have I mentioned lately how awesome you guys all are? To think 20 days ago we were all living peaceful lives, ah well, what is normal but a setting on a washing machine? To celebrate the 1/5 of the way mark, I got you all a kitten! Enjoy!**

Hojo sighed he'd received a very odd box this morning, he'd taken it inside naturally, he liked to see what he was throwing out. The box had holes, poor fool who made the box should be fired for mismanagement, however when he got it inside and set it down it started to purr. He had seen many things in his life, half-baked theses, a Turk who deserved to be shot, a rebellious son and his friends, but he had never seen a box _purr_ before.

He pulled back the flaps seeing a small fuzzy kitten sitting there, it was a light grey color with big green eyes. It had a bushy tail, with thin little whiskers around a tiny pink nose; one ear was sort of flopped over in a very cute way. It mewed again softly looking up at Hojo before climbing out of the box. The scientist watched it for a moment realizing it was a female; it started rubbing his leg looking up at him sweetly.

"Now then…" he studied the feline for a moment, "you may be useful in my next experiment."

He made a move to pick the cat up but she leaped away hissing, she didn't look it but she was smart. Smart enough to realize this man was not to be trusted. She arched her back glaring at him. He adjusted his glasses studying that rebellious face; this cat bore an uncanny resemblance to his son in more ways then one.

He smirked withdrawing a syringe from his coat, "fortunately I know how to deal with your type." Moving forward he started to reach for the cat again.

With her feline reflexes she dodged the syringe swatting it out of his hand with one clawed paw. After it had rolled safely away she launched at Hojo's face claws slashing at him full on. They sank into his face; he stood up screeching all the while, before she slid down his face where she started to claw into his neck. She dug her hind claws into his chest before digging the front ones into his neck.

He staggered back, "Mommy help me!" Stumbling around he smacked into the bookcase, it toppled over onto him. The cat darted lithely out of the way, once the dust settled she walked over to his unconscious body and extended her claws returning to using his face for a scratching post. Finally her claws sunk into his eyes and she gave a sharp tug, however those things were harder then she thought to pull out and the force sent her running up the next wall's tapestry. The force sent a wobbly vase toppling onto Hojo's head, finally the head trauma sent Hojo into cardiac arrest.

The cat mewed again and leaped off her perch walking out the door. She continued to wander down the hall; a man with black spiky hair came walking down the hall, combat boots clunking all the way. He stooped down picking her up; she rubbed under his chin affectionately. She licked his cross-shaped scar purring, he tickled her under the chin.

"Hey there Seph, what're you doing wandering out here?" Zack Fair asked his cat curiously, "you know they'll make me give you up if they catch you wandering around out here." She mewed an apology, he smiled as she nuzzled him gently, "aww I forgive you, he has a tendency to wander off too."


	21. Panic! In the Lab

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy; I do however know how to make a DIY flamethrower. WARNING: IT DOES WORK! DO NOT TRY AT HOME!

**A/N 21, as I recall this is the same age as Cloud is in the original game. And after all we need the overall main character to show up eventually. Even though he failed at being Zack. So ladies and gentlemen, Cloud Strife, as a cadet, because Cadet Strife is kind of charming in a childish way.**

Cloud sighed tugging at an out of place lock of hair, he sighed, why did it keep doing that? Sure it was only an experimental stuff from Hojo but it didn't stop the cadet being annoyed. Standing up from his place in the cafeteria he ran back to the barracks, opening the door he started rummaging around for the spray. He went into the bathroom searching for it; he needed to get this taken care of before Zack ridiculed more for looking like a chocobo.

He finally found the bottle, he shook it desperate for the contents but found it jammed, clutching it he ran off for the labs. This was a special test brand of elastic substance that could create makeshift super glue; Hojo had told all his candidates that it was a test to see if a stronger substance could be used to allow walking on walls. However he wanted to start with the small scale, so it was being used for spiking hair.

Cloud busted through the door to see Sephiroth standing there pinned against the wall by Hojo. "Now then you can't expect me to believe that, do you?" Hojo sneered up at the General.

Sephiroth bit the inside of his cheek trying to regain control of himself. Cloud blinked seeing this was not good. His commander was in trouble, he looked around, there were no weapons, and all he had was the spray bottle. However there was a lighter sitting on a nearby table. Hojo must not have noticed him come in yet. Creeping cautiously over to the table he picked up the lighter.

Sephiroth let his eyes wander over to where the cadet was going for a lighter. He could at least move a little of his mouth, "so… you really are…?" He managed looking just over Hojo's head to the cadet.

Hojo smirked stroking Sephiroth's arm, "yes I am your father!"

Cloud looked up startled that just wasn't right; he flicked the lighter to life with one hand and slammed down the spray top of his hair spray. "No!" He shouted dragging out the O sound as he moved.

The last few drops of hair spray connected with the flames and created a flamethrower that hit Hojo square in the back. The man screamed out as Sephiroth pushed him away into a desk with test tubes in it. The glass broke and the chemicals came in contact with the fire. After a blinding flash of light, Sephiroth and Cloud both put their hands up to avoid going blind, they felt bits of soft squishy stuff hit their clothes.

Cloud blinked as the light faded, noticing the blood that had splattered on his glove was starting to dissolve the leather, "whoa…"

Sephiroth studied the scene, the table was gone and the room was starting to be eaten away by whatever the stuff in the tubes had been. However he turned to the cadet, this boy had just saved him, "Cadet."

Cloud sprung to attention, "yes sir!"

"What's you're name?" The General asked moving for the door.

"Cloud Strife sir!" Cloud called back.

"Strife, meet me in my office at 0700 tomorrow, I do believe you have potential," he replied sweeping out of the room.


	22. Keep your eye to the sky

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. Really I don't.**  
**

**A/N All right, well this one is a bit odd. Another Turkcentric one but it borrows some of the Turks from Before Crisis, including Cissnei (female shuriken ((it's her official name from Crisis Core))) and Rod: Male, Martial Arts: Female, and Gun female.**

Reno and Rude looked down at the street, the crane was all set to go. The crane was there because the Turks had requested an in office weapons case, it was too heavy to go on the elevator but it could fit through the window. So naturally they decided to take the complicated way of putting it in through the window. Reno stuck his head out and waved at Cissnei. "Ready when you are!" he called over the radio.

She nodded and put the binoculars down turning to Victor, "okay we can start hauling!"

He nodded, "alright then! Here it goes!" He pulled back on the lever for the pulleys and started hoisting the large wooden crate with the gun case in it up to the office.

Cissnei looked over at Jessica and Emily, the pair was keeping the traffic cleared from the main part of the street. No one ever came in from the back alley unless they lived in the Southern Apartments and all of those people were already in Shin-Ra doing work. She sighed waving at Victor to cut the pulleys; the crate was in position at the twenty-second story of the building ready to be pulled onto its permanent home in the Turks training area.

He nodded killing the pulleys, not noticing the weight of the crate shifting around in the harness. It was sliding dangerously out of the sling, if it did drop it wouldn't hit anything unless it walked right under it. Cissnei walked over to Jessica and Emily, "so far we're all clear, you guys can…" at that moment several things occurred, the first being Hojo rounding the corner from the alley leading to the Southern Apartments, second a mighty gust of wind kicked up, and lastly the crate slid out of the sling.

Cissnei, Jessica, and Emily all turned, Victor climbed out of the cab of the crane and all four ran over to the crater in the ground. Reno and Rude saw this and leaned out the window to get a better look. Jessica managed to get her head back on, "what happened?"

"Dunno, the safe must have slipped out," Victor replied studying the crater, it had smashed a water mane, however the water wasn't the clear water from the Shin-Ra's purifiers, it was blood colored.

Emily sighed, "Whoever it was, well they must not have been a lucky person." She saw something float up to the surface. It was an ID card, reaching down she picked it up and held it so the group could read it.

The group looked at each other, they'd just killed an Executive, "well I guess we can kiss our careers good bye." Victor laughed.


	23. Fangirls take note

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII; I am just another humble fangirl.

**A/N This one didn't come easy, but I took a little inspiration from wanting to kill my DNA project. I was up pretty late last night making it and have officially decided that I hated my project. So for revenge against Biology, I give you death by fangirls! To clarify I do take notes in class for all concerned.**

Silva looked around annoyed, flicking some of her hair out of her face and sighing, guest lectures were boring enough as it was. It was worse that there evil Biology teacher was making them take notes of all things, why did Shin-Ra do these lecture tours? At least when the SOLDIERs came it was rather enjoyable to watch. She sighed looking up at the board for a moment, before looking back down at her drawing of the gorgeous Lieutenant Zack Fair. The short bizarre guy was going on about mako's interaction with DNA.

She sighed looking back up again, Hojo was drawing on the board, "now then who can tell me what this is?" He drew a blob next to the DNA. "You the one drawing on her paper," he looked at her.

"Um, uh, an enzyme?" Silva replied hastily.

"Correct," he smirked continuing to draw.

She looked at her paper, her perfect drawing ruined by his question; Zack's face had pencil all over it along with smudges. Growling she glared at the back of Hojo's head, he would pay for that, big time. The bell rang and she stood up making her way over to the door, hastily looking around and holding the door open for Hojo.

He didn't say anything as he walked out, she watched him go down the hall, at the very farthest end of the hall she could see Zack Fair, in the flesh standing there. She made sure Hojo was almost down where Zack seemed to be waiting for him. "Hey everyone it's Zack Fair!"

There was a collective shriek from the female contingent on that floor; slowly a rumble arose from the far side of campus as a wall of people came cramming into the hallway with Silva at the head.

Zack looked up confused before smiling his most charming as they thronged around him, everyone shoving paper with phone numbers under his nose. "Hey ladies calm down, I was just here to pick up Hojo, where'd the geezer go?"

The group moved as he walked past them to a rather large pool of blood where Hojo had been pounded into the tile by a gaggle of around a hundred or so girls with rather heavy backpacks. However he was still somehow breathing, which was a small coincidence. Zack bent down, "ah well sucks to be him. So then I gotta go, see ya!" He put on a prince charming smile and pulled out a lone piece of paper with his phone number on it. It was purely for the amusement of them to say they had his number, they never actually called.

He tossed it into the air before disappearing out the window; Silva jumped and caught it, which was when the rest of the group had an evil eye. They started creeping forward before the game of 'catch the one with the number' began. Silva ran over Hojo's unconscious body before leading the group around the campus pounding over Hojo every lap. About the third pass he finally died from the body trauma.


	24. Toilet troubles

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, sorry.

**A/N Cheers! Welcome to today's death, part of which comes from a request. That and I enjoyed the thought of Hojo suffering from a sort of old school punishment dealt out in spades in pop culture. Ladies and Gentlemen Elena of the Turks!**

Elena sighed looking out the window, this was so annoying; Hojo was telling Tseng off for not being able to find Sephiroth. It was really starting to irk her that he was doing that, Tseng was the nicest man she'd ever met, and Hojo, well Hojo wasn't. He'd been going on for ages about, 'how the Turks were all failures' this and 'they should all be sacked' that. It was starting to get really hard for her to take.

"Well then Turk, last chance, find Sephiroth or I'll see you never live through this," Hojo spat at Tseng before turning and leaving.

She glared at the back of Hojo's head as he walked away before going over to Tseng, "are you alright Mr. Tseng?"

He looked up at her, "fine… I'm fine."

Elena's brows furrowed studying him, he looked really tired, "sir, if nothing else I think you're doing a good job."

"Thank you Elena, now if you don't mind I'd like to be alone for a while," Tseng muttered rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Oh, yes sir," she sighed leaving and closing the door. She walked down the hall feeling really badly about getting Tseng in trouble. She stopped seeing Hojo lingering by the coffee machine in the employee lounge on that floor. The man was really bugging her, everything from the way he was wasting the coffee to the way he was putting the creamer in by the teaspoon so perfectly. Not to mention he was humming horrifically out of tune with whatever he was humming.

Elena was completely furious now, however she wanted to kill him without arousing too much suspicion. She grabbed her pistol out of her coat and slammed the butt into Hojo's temple sending him out cold. She put this pistol away and grabbed Hojo by the upper arms dragging him down the hall.

Kicking open the door to the bathroom she pulled him inside and into one of the stalls and stuck his head in the toilet. She stood around watching as he kept breathing in water, until his body slackened and a small gush of bubbles came out of his mouth.

"Wow…" Elena muttered looking around, she quickly pulled his body over to the janitorial closet across the hall and shoved him in.

She heard footsteps coming down the hall, slamming the door she leaned against it. Tseng emerged looking at her perplexed, "Elena what are you doing?"

"Oh Mr. Tseng nothing," she replied hastily.

He shook his head, "if you say so." He gave the door an approving once over before continuing down the hall.


	25. Jurassic Park is scary

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Jurassic Park or the concept of disembowelment while still alive.

**A/N One of my favorite movies of all time is Jurassic Park, loved the Raptors, those guys rocked. Anyway, after listening to Jurassic Park by Weird Al, gearing up to go see him live in concert, I thought that maybe some dinosaurs are still roaming the Planet. So I give you some dino death!**

Hojo looked around the field, it was nightfall but they were almost in the area of the Temple of the Ancients. The grass was rustling in the breeze gently and he looked up at the night sky, why was it taking so long to get there?! He shook his head, not noticing the rippling of the grass against the wind.

A head popped out of the grass disappearing before lifting up again and bobbing its head, the Raptor pack was on the move. The pack charged where it had been following the group of people heading for the temple. However they weren't fools, they started picking off the stragglers in red from the back. After they'd gone down it was time to take out the next tactical point, the two at the flanks charged.

"Arrgh," one of the guards shouted. The group went into panic, Hojo paled as a Raptor came charging right at him, mako enhanced eyes focused on him. The scientist turned running for his life for the nearest tree. Scrambling up he saw the Raptor had missed catching him by being shot in the shoulder. Hojo scrambled higher in the tree as it recovered after killing its assailant, the scientist whimpered as it continued to jump at him.

The Raptor finally gave up running off, Hojo breathed a sigh of relief and climbed out of the tree. He leaned against it catching his breath, when a small chirp caught his attention. He looked down at a small green bird shaped thing, which was looking at him curiously.

"You look like you could be useful… yes for a little experiment," he reached out for the bird thing. But he pulled back a bloody stump where his pointer finger had been. He screeched attempting to kick the little bird thing.

The bird thing, more commonly referred to as a Compy by the SOLDIER monster bingo book, slammed into another tree. It glared up at Hojo before chirping, more chirping called back as a whole flock of Compies came out of the underbrush. The one who bit off Hojo's fingers leaped into the air, tiny claws scrambling on his glasses, scratching up his face while the little razor sharp teeth had Hojo cleanly on the nose.

Hojo staggered back, "mommy help me!" He squealed tripping over an exposed root.

The flock was on him in an instant, he yelped and squealed as he was slowly killed while being eaten alive. He finally gave up on anyone saving him; he was already bleeding pretty heavily along with a whole host of other nasty things. At long last he closed his eyes and died while Cloud and his party received the Black Materia only to have it stole by Sephiroth.

**A/N Wow, didn't realize it but we're 1/4 point! Way to go everyone! Thank you for your support!  
**


	26. Vincent Valentine's Birthday!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and I apologize if the concept of voodoo offends anyone.

**A/N Hi everybody! I'm sorry, I meant to post yesterday and I spent about seven hours trying to do it. I feel really bad about it... because it's Vincent Valentine's birthday! So today is an extra special Hojo killing! So welcome back Mr. Valentine and I wish you a very happy birthday! Method for this one is courtesy of my best friend Jen. And I will post again later today to make up for it! Sorry!  
**

Vincent looked up at Yuffie surprised by the whole thing; she was holding a small doll that looked suspiciously like Hojo. "Here ya go Vince!"

He took the doll studying it skeptically, she noticed this, "it's a voodoo doll. It's supposed to be sorta like a Manipulate spell. You can control the person's actions, I heard that you can even kill them."

Vincent looked at the ninja for a minute cocking an eyebrow, "thanks, Yuffie."

He stood up and walked back to his room on the Highwind. Well it would be amusing if it did work, he started musing over what he could do. He opened the door and sat down on the bed, still studying the doll skeptically, he had always hated the man, it wasn't until recently he'd considered killing the scientist. Sighing he wondered if it would work, either way it would be amusing to deconstruct the doll systematically.

The gunman held the doll in his right hand while sticking his left pointer finger into the thigh of the doll. He imagined Hojo suddenly falling down the stairs clutching his leg squealing like a pig. He withdrew his finger and stabbed the other thigh, even if it was just some myth that this sort of magic worked it was excellent stress relief. He stabbed again in the worst place imaginable that would ensure Hojo was suffering profoundly if he got kicked there.

Continuing on with his deconstruction project, Vincent stabbed Hojo along the upper body's system of pressure points. Starting at the top of the head he pressed down with his thumb before pinching where the eyes would be, he continued down to below the nose and under the jaw, along the throat and finishing off under the collar bone. He sighed, as much fun as this was he was getting a little worn out. One last stab of the pointer finger through Hojo's heart and he put the doll in the materia pouch on his belt. Standing up he wandered out to the deck of the Highwind and enjoyed the evening wind on his face.

xxxxxxxxxx

Hojo looked around his office; he'd just spent the last half an hour suffering from unexplained stabbing sensations all over his body. He screamed clutching his heart, now the stabbing had stopped however his heart was skyrocketing into cardiac arrest. He rolled under his desk kicking the chair and squirming around before he finally died of a heart attack.

The coronary report put it up to a stress-induced heart attack from working too hard trying to hunt down Sephiroth.

xxxxxxxxxx

Vincent read the news article in the paper the next day; he pulled out the mutilated doll glaring at it curiously. Had it really worked? He shrugged putting up to coincidence but it was a nice coincidence nonetheless.

**A/N I know I don't condone Yuffietine however she was the only one I could think off for the doll.**


	27. Zapomatic!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, though I hear that real estate in Nibelheim is at a very good discount.

**A/N Two in one day! Well the first was technically yesterday's my document upload thing wouldn't work for seven hours! Again my humble apologies, I feel like a horrific Vincent fan for doing so. Anyway, I was watching Mythbusters during that struggle and decided on Hojo getting Ben Franklin-ed. Cheers!**

Hojo growled glaring up at the Shin-Ra building from his car, despite the imposing look it had through the sheets of rain and roar of thunder. In the middle of a barren wasteland it was like a giant lightning rod, fortunately the inside had been insulated against such a thing.

He'd been caught in traffic for the better part of an hour, and it was rather starting to bother him. Finally the cars rolled forward and he pulled into Shin-Ra, unfortunately all the parking spots in the garage were taken so he had to park on the roof level. He stepped out of the car grumbling, he left his umbrella at home, he put his hand over his head as he grabbed his briefcase.

Just as he shut the door he felt his PHS vibrating, he grumbled something and pulled it out, "what?!"

Rufus pulled the phone away from his ear, he didn't like calling Hojo any more then Hojo liked being called, "you're late for our staff meeting."

Hojo clenched his PHS, "who are you to be lecturing me boy? I was preparing my latest research on the SOLDIER program so tell the President I will be along momentarily."

"Well get your," Rufus stopped thinking that what he wanted to call Hojo may get him into a spot at the moment, "brain in here so we can get this meeting started."

"Boy, give me the Cliffnotes of what's been going on in that meeting room," Hojo snarled irritably as he dug around for his coffee tumbler.

Rufus mentally cursed out Hojo, at which point he decided that as soon as he became President Hojo would be the first to go. After which would come Heidegger, Scarlet, and Palmer. He would keep Reeve; Reeve was the only agreeable one in the executives. "Budget proposals, arguments over funding, the usual. You haven't missed anything out of the ordinary."

Hojo nodded finally finding his coffee mug and taking a sip, his coffee was cold. "Bleh, well boy…"

At that moment the lightning that had been striking near the building came crashing down onto Hojo. It lasted less then a second before the thunder roared mingling with the howl of the wind to drown out Hojo's shrieking. His charred body crumpled onto the asphalt.

He never made it to the staff meeting.


	28. If you were Jenova's head

Disclaimer: I alas do not own Final Fantasy VII, I do however condone dropping Meteors as a means to achieve Reunion

**A/N Hi guys, you've been such a good audience I thought I would do something unusual. In the form of Reno and Rude, I had this conversation with my idea assistant, she was Reno and I was Rude. Some of these may show up later! No worries Hojo will still die in the end!**

Reno looked up from his beer at Rude, it had been a long day in the office, and Hojo was being a royal pain. "Hey can I ask you a question?"

"You just did, however go ahead," Rude replied.

"If you were Jenova's head and you had Fugly Guy after you, where would you hide?" Reno pondered, using his outside the office nickname for Hojo.

Rude thought for a moment, "anywhere he wasn't."

Reno groaned, "If it were me I'd be hidin' in that mako cannon in Junon. Then when Hojo sticks his mug in looking for me. Pow! Off comes his head."

"How do you kill an idiot? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you kill Hojo? Put Jenova's head at the bottom of a pool." Rude grunted.

Reno leaned back, "good one man! I like that. I got one, maybe a freak accident where he gets fed to a pack of guard hounds!"

Rude shook his head, "no too obvious."

"Alright, hmm, well I 'member what's her face Cissnei saying' somethin' 'bout a crabby corpse in Shin-Ra Manor out in Nibelheim a while back. Think he may wanna piece of the action?" Reno commented.

"Interesting concept," Rude thought for a moment, "you ever see Bambi versus the WEAPON?"

"Excellent!" Reno shouted finishing off his beer and chucking it over his head. It flew in an elegant arc slamming into someone's head. They staggered forward into several tough looking foul tempered drunk people. The guys dragged him outside and there was violent screaming before the slamming of a dumpster lid and several trash can lids before the sounds of motorcycles thundering off down the street.

Reno shrugged, he stood up and Rude followed him out of the bar. They followed the trail of blood to a white coat covered in blood; Reno nudged the head with his foot. It rolled over slightly revealing it was Hojo, "well that works too. Dump the body?"

"We're going to have to," Rude grunted and picked it up hopping the chain link fence and heading under the bridge to the open sewer entrance. He dropped the body before heading back over to Reno. They nodded and set off for the entrance to the bar for a peaceful evening of celebrating.


	29. Got your glasses

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, or the Godfather, sorry but I really don't.

**A/N Wow it's been a busy weekend. I started doing so much, and the week's barely even started! I ended up getting this idea a while back but never got around to it. So please welcome the real President of Shin-Ra, Rufus!**

Rufus rolled his eyes looking out the large windows of his office, his father had run Shin-Ra from this seat for far too long. It was time for a new age of Shin-Ra, no the whole world, it was time for the world to move on from his father's regime.

He glanced back at Hojo. One thing that hadn't changed was the fact he still had to sit through the old bat's prattling and reports. He'd promised himself that the first thing that would go after his father would be the Executives.

"With proper funding we could speed up the searching premises for," Hojo started before Rufus tuned out again.

The President peered around annoyed, a flash of light caught his eye as his foot moved. It was a pen, he smirked watching Hojo pacing back and forth. Sweeping his foot he kicked the pen right in front of one of Hojo's feet, the dress shoe impacted and he fell forward, glasses sliding under Rufus's feet.

Hojo shook his head and started feeling around for his glasses, "mind giving me a hand, _Mr. President_?"

Rufus reached down as they came to a halt. "Sure I think I see them over there, let me go get them."

Hojo stood up hearing Rufus walking away before hearing the footsteps drawing closer, "did you find them?"

"Yeah I did," Rufus replied before folding them carefully and stepping up to Hojo.

"Well let me have them," Hojo's eyes narrowed.

"Oh of course," Rufus replied lifting his hand up before slamming the pointy part of the bend in the arms into Hojo's eye. It dug through his eye into his brain, reeling back Hojo bled out and died shortly after from shock and head trauma.

Rufus looked around the room before down at his bloody head, he walked over to the hall and whistled, "hey Darky!"

A large black panther came bounding down the hall, purring as it rubbed up against Rufus's leg.

"Here, I have a treat for you," Rufus held his hand down as Dark Nation started licking off the blood on his hand.

Dark Nation purred rubbing up against Rufus's leg when he was done, "now go get your dinner."

The cat ran in the room and the sound of ripping clothes and crunching bone could be heard a few minutes later. Rufus walked down the hall to his room and exchanged his old coat for a shiny new one before heading back down to his office and found Dark Nation curled up on the floor happily asleep. Rufus walked over to his desk, maybe being President would be more fun then he thought it would be.


	30. Serious spearmint power

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and do not ask me to explain about stomach acid causing a reaction to something ingested.

**A/N After a long morning of test taking and squats, I am here with the daily Hojo death! I was thinking about this when I was eating lunch, what about the other Executives? Sure I hate them, with the exception of Reeve and Rufus, but how would they do it. So today I would like to welcome Reeve Tuesti of the Urban Development department. A friend of mine suggested today's death.**

Hojo grinned as the sushi boat came over to the table where he and the rest of the Executives were seated. Reeve looked up at the rather lavish wood piece laden with little bits of raw fish with rice and various vegetation. He picked up his chopsticks and took a piece of cucumber, glaring at Hojo; the man must have had some ulterior motive for inviting them to dinner.

"So then Professor if I may be so bold to ask, why did you invite us all to dinner?" The Head of Urban Development asked.

"Ah simple my good Tuesti, I have something I wanted to get from you away from the eyes of Shin-Ra," Hojo replied adjusting his glasses.

Scarlet folded her fingers sipping at her drink, "and that would be?"

"You're aid, I wish to remove that little upstart Rufus from taking power, as the senior member of the Executive wing I would be in power," Hojo replied simply.

Reeve almost dropped the piece of Junon Roll, "excuse me?"

"You'd all be handsomely rewarded for your aid of course. Think about it, expanded budgets, faster approval for projects, it would be to your advantage to aid me." He added persuasively.

Palmer was bouncing in his chair with excitement, "you mean the Space Program would be in full gear with full funding?"

"Naturally my dear Palmer. As will all of your departments if you agree, so then what do you say?" Hojo asked looking around the table.

Reeve hastily shoved his Junon Roll in his mouth, nodding as Hojo looked at him. The rest of the Executives put their glasses to a toast. "To President Hojo!"

"To President Hojo," they replied and drank.

Reeve sighed standing up, "Excuse me for a moment," he turned and strode off to the bathrooms. Sighing he got into the room and started dumping out his pockets, somewhere in there he had something useful.

He smiled; it was an experimental explosive currently in development by his department to remove rubble from a building site. It was no bigger then the size of an after dinner mint. Carefully pulling a mint out of the wrapper he put it in his mouth while wrapping the explosive in the wrapper. He left the bathroom and returned to enjoy the rest of dinner as best as he could.

Finally the check came and the mints were out on the table, Reeve reached over to the one in front of Hojo while the scientist was busy with the check. He switched the mint for the explosive, it only reacted with an acidic base like that found in the stomach. The group stood up, Hojo quickly swallowed the mint, the scientist waited until they were outside to enter the alley and throw out his wrapper since he'd parked around back.

Reeve looked around the corner of the building, giving a satisfied smirk not seeing Hojo standing anywhere. The rest of the Executives never heard from Hojo again, still under the impression he'd been sacked due to his scheming.


	31. Do you have any donuts?

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Weird Al Yankovic or the song "Albuquerque".

**A/N Last night I went to a Weird Al Yankovic concert and heard the song "Albuquerque". Which is a city in New Mexico in the United States for those not in the know. He was about half way through the song when the inspiration hit like, well it hit like today's death does. Ladies and gentlemen the return of my OCs Aaron, Jenkins and Kelly.**

Kelly sighed looking over at Aaron, who in turn looked over at Jenkins, who rolled his eyes and glared up at Hojo. They had all been enjoying their lunch break until to their surprise Hojo had come in. It wasn't for the usual stuff, he was demanding they go and get him some donuts.

"Why do we have to go?" Jenkins grunted.

"I am in the middle of an important experiment, you on the other hand are free, and I want glazed donuts!" Hojo growled venomously.

Jenkins shook his head looking back at Aaron and Kelly, "alright let's go get some donuts, some _fresh _air."

"Yeah let's go," Aaron nodded looking over at Kelly.

She agreed, "air sounds nice besides Mr. Tseng said he wouldn't be back for a while."

With a final scathing glare at Hojo, the trio set off down the elevator and out the lobby into Midgar in search of donuts. They walked down Loveless Street and came to the Donut Shoppe; Aaron opened the door and let Jenkins and Kelly inside. Heading up to the counter they found the person in charge reading the newspaper.

"Um excuse me," Kelly addressed the person at the counter.

"Yeah what'd ya want?" He grunted.

"Do you have any glazed donuts?" She asked.

"Nah we don't have any glazed donuts," he replied.

"Any jelly donuts?" Aaron asked.

"Nah we don't have any jelly donuts," the guy grunted again.

"Any Valerian cream donuts?" Jenkins asked hopefully.

"Nah we don't have any Valerian cream donuts," the guy grunted again turning the page of the paper.

"Any cinnamon rolls?" Kelly asked again.

"No," he muttered.

"Apple fritters?" Aaron asked hopefully.

"No," the guy growled turning the page.

"Any bear claws?" Jenkins sighed exasperated.

The guy looked up, "I'll go check." He stood up and walked off, the trio sighed. A moment later he called out, "nah we're outta bear claws."

"Well in that case what do you have?!" They shouted at the same time.

"I've got a box of one dozen starving crazed weasels," he called back.

The group looked at each other smirking with a sly look apiece. "We'll take it!"

A few minutes later they were all huddled outside of Hojo's office, they'd given him the box of weasels saying it was a box of glazed donuts. They put their ears to the door, the box was being opened, followed a moment later by the sweet sound of Hojo shrieking like a banshee. Through the crack of the door they watched him running around like a constipated chocobo until several of the weasels got his throat. They closed the door laughing as Hojo's shrieking gave way to a gurgling noise and finally silence.


	32. Hojo's body lies under the ocean

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, or the idea of something large like Jaws.

**A/N Wow over a month straight of Hojo dying. I believe Lady Vatalya, who in her nomination post for this story in the Genesis Awards, said it best: "Hojo killing should be an international sport." I think it should be in the Olympics! Which makes me think of swimming, and the beach has the best water. If you played the original game, about a third of the way in at Costa del Sol I believe Hojo was surrounded by bikini clad women? So without further rambling, lets get killing!**

"Oh Professor," one of the women muttered crawling closer to his beach chair.

"Come on tell us another of your riveting stories," another purred also moving closer.

"Ladies, please there's plenty to go around," Hojo cackled. Years of cackling had drained his ability to laugh in any way shape or form without it being a cackle of some sort.

They moved closer to him, "come on we want to swim so come with us please?" They pleaded seductively.

"But we're just fine right here," he replied curtly. "If you want to go swim then I'll wait right here for you."

They gave him their best puppy eyes, "we're scared, the ocean's a big scary place, and we need you to protect us. Please? For us?"

He sighed giving into the puppy eyes, normally he was cold hearted to anything hat gave him those eyes. However these weren't some Nibel Wolf or a Dragon or a SOLDIER, these were ladies. And not just any ladies, these were tanned bikini clad goddesses; it would be unchivalrous on his part to ignore them. He stood up, his lab coat fluttering over his somewhat greenish colored skin, in a beaker patterned Speedo.

The pair giggled and ran off towards the water, before looking back, "come on Professor!"

He nodded, "we need a beach ball."

The first one waved, "we'll go get one!" They ran off up the beach to the rental shack.

Hojo watched them go, not sensing the ominous shadow looming over him. It was no different then any ordinary shadow belonging to a cloud or a bird or a Pink Crested Cockatrice. However the one casting the shadow fell in none of the above, its glowing silver eyes fell on Hojo's oblivious form. Its mouth opened revealing a long thin jaw littered with teeth and a tongue like sandpaper for holding prey, the drool dripped from its jaws onto Hojo's head.

One hand reached up and touched the wet spot, "why is it I always get drooled on?" He asked before the head struck with surprising gusto and latched onto him. It shook violently, Hojo's screaming muffled by the tongue before the sea creature threw its head back sending him rag dolling into the air snatching him and swallowing.

A few minutes later the girls came back from getting a beach ball, "Professor?"

"I bet he was facing away from the water," the other commented.

"Who cares we got his wallet!" The first exclaimed as she reached into the sand pulling up a small black leather wallet.


	33. Pop goes the Hojo

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII, Mythbusters, or a dangerous fan. For which I am very grateful.

**A/N We all know how weird Hojo is. It's a given fact after all; so then what does he do when he's alone? Well let's take a little peek into what he does after he closes the door to his room. And Tseng after too much Mythbusters is today's basis, with a popping hint of Weird Al. Sorry I'm still getting over the concert.**

Tseng looked up at the maintenance staffer he was talking to, "so you understand I need those chairs fixed as soon as possible."

"Got it," he replied before putting his hand up and grabbing his PHS. "Hello?"

The Turk Commander sat there for a moment quietly listening to the conversation, apparently something about a new fan to be installed before tonight. He studied the maintenance man as he hung up, "sorry Mr. Tseng sir, those will have to wait for tomorrow. I just got an emergency call for Professor Hojo about his ceiling fan, if you'll excuse me."

He turned to leave but Tseng stopped him, "no, don't worry about that, I'll send one of my men to take care of it, you just focus on the chairs."

The man nodded, "if you say so."

A short while later Tseng was pulling on a maintenance staff uniform and carrying a seemingly ordinary fan down to Hojo's apartment. He opened the door with his master key and walked in heading for the bedroom; gently undoing the old fan he installed the new one along with a small camera. He finished the installation before faking a note that the fan had been fixed and walking out of the room using the hat on his outfit to hide his face from the security cameras.

The rest of the day passed without too many incidents, well apart from Reno's shenanigans with the message boards rumor page. However Tseng cleared that up in a few hours, it was almost ten at night when the Turk Commander was ready to call it a day. But not before his favorite special came on, turning on the monitor he tapped into the camera and leaned back in his chair to enjoy the show.

Hojo looked around suspiciously before leaving the room and returning a moment later in his new DNA strand patterned pajamas. In his hands he was caressing a roll of bubble wrap, he nuzzled it, "now we're all alone together my sweet."

He set the bubble wrap down on the bed spreading it out and turning the fan on before getting on the bed and popping the bubble wrap in a disturbingly seductive manner. After he became progressively more violent with the bubble wrap he started jumping up and down in order to pop it.

The bed creaked as Hojo's jumping became higher and higher, getting dangerously closer to the fan. Finally he timed his jump a little off and it came in contact with the blade, it sliced into his neck a little. The second blade swung in and sliced deeper, last but not least the third and fourth finished the job. There was a pause as Hojo's body fell onto the bubble wrap leaking out blood.

Tseng turned off the monitor with a slight smirk; he'd custom made that fan once for an assassination of a man who liked his nights a little rough and wild. It had a lawnmower motor with razor sharp edges on the blades, along with the nickname "the Fan of Death".


	34. Alley rat

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, my apologies to those who think I do.**  
**

**A/N Wow today has been weird. And since right now is the lowest it could possibly be I am absolutely enraged, therefore Hojo will die by the hands of Chaos! When Vincent Limit Breaks into Chaos I'd want to be the person not on the other end of his attacks. That and I do believe singlewhiteroseofwutai put in a request for him to do so.**

Vincent walked silently down the street, he was in a foul mood, Yuffie had just given back his materia in the completely wrong order, they'd been on a wild goose chase all day after her. Not to mention his gun was in need of repairs, in other words it was not a good day for him at all.

His eyes swept the street suspicious for any sort of attackers, however for the most part the other people in the area seemed to be keeping well clear of him. Which considering his appearance and temper at the moment was probably for the best. He didn't want to explain any sort of civilian carnage to the authorities.

Another glance around the street revealed a man in a white coat coming out of the pharmacy. His green skin, round glasses, and face that only a warthog could love, Vincent recognized him as Hojo right away. It felt like someone had put a bellows in Vincent's chest, fueling his smoldering fury into a blaze of hate. "Lucrecia…" he muttered crossing the street swifter than a shadow, picking up Hojo and throwing him in an alley.

"Gah… Valentine what a surprise, I thought you were still in that coffin," Hojo remarked as he gained some coherency as the dust started to settle from his crash into a trash can.

However it wasn't Vincent standing there, the glowing yellow eyes of Chaos narrowed glaring at Hojo with pure loathing and disdain. "Greetings," he muttered, grabbing Hojo's hand and snapping one finger. "I do believe what once said to Vincent went a little something like this, 'I'," he snapped another finger, " 'won't'", a third finger, " 'kill'", the fourth, " 'you right away. Instead you will suffer.'" He finished with the fingers and broke both wrists.

"First I'll bite off your nose." Which he did, "then your tongue." Two clawed fingers reached in and ripped his tongue out. "But not your eyes or your ears, I want you to see and hear everything."

Hojo was mouthing wordlessly, unable to speak properly with a bloody stump of a tongue. "Pweath no!"

"Oh but I am nowhere near finished with you yet," Chaos smirked, laughing mirthlessly as he snapped both of Hojo's shoulders out of place while breaking his elbows in the process.

After a few more minutes, Chaos smirked, bits of Hojo were all over the alleyway. He lightly licked the blood off of his talons before grimacing, "urg, disgusting blood. I've had better from dung beetles." He finished cleaning off, and sighed, "I hope your happy Vincent…"

He closed his eyes, surrounded by a blood red aura, Vincent blinked looking around dazed. "Hojo… rest in peace…"

He could hear a voice calling him, "Vincent! We're ready to go!" Cloud called out in the street.

The gunman left the alley to rejoin the group, "where were you Vincent?" Tifa asked.

"…Just taking care of a rat," he replied calmly.


	35. This is ShinRa!

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or 300, though the Spartans are cool.

**A/N This idea came a long time ago during mid-July of this year, I was watching 300 with my mom the previous week, and she, Bjanik and I got to talking. We changed, "this is Sparta" to "this is Shin-Ra". For the second appearance as guest, give a Spartan harrumph to General Sephiroth.**

Hojo looked around the lab making sure his needle was squirting properly; he smirked at the person strapped down to the table. "Well, well, well, it would seem I have you all to myself today. I don't think you'll just get an injection today."

The man on the table shifted slightly, Zack Fair looked around at the door hopefully, and Sephiroth had been present at every single lab visit since he'd made First Class It was not in Sephiroth's nature to leave that sort of thing without some sort of notice. "What did you have in mind?" Zack muttered turning his head to look at Hojo.

"Nothing too deadly, just a simple few additional tests to make sure you are a, _worthy _experiment." The scientist replied walking over to another table and checking the sharpness of his scalpel. When he was done making sure all of his equipment was working he pushed the cart over to the table with Zack on it. "Now try not to scream too much, I wouldn't want that, _unique specimen _to find you here with me."

Zack's mako glowing blue eyes narrowed as he glared at the back of Hojo's head. He was ready for what Hojo had to offer, and he was ready to fight tooth and nail to get out of the lab. At that moment the door flew open, Sephiroth stormed inside shoving Hojo away from Zack, "I don't care if you use me for some damn pincushion. I don't care about what you do to me, but if it is one of my men, that is a different matter."

Hojo stumbled back near the full sized windows of this particular lab, "what do you think you are doing?!"

"I am defending the honor of me, my men, and this Company." He replied as he side stepped the table.

"Company? The last time I checked this was my laboratory, I am the one giving orders here!" Hojo snapped back. "You should choose your words more carefully lest I relieve you of that sharp tongue during your next appointment."

Sephiroth glanced back at Zack with a slightly softened expression before returning with a violent loathing filled glare at Hojo. "Oh I've chosen my words carefully," he muttered dangerously summoning the Masamune and pointing the tip at Hojo's forehead.

"This is madness!" Hojo screeched in a pitch that made a banshee sound like a soloist at a concert.

Sephiroth looked back at Zack and cocked one eyebrow, Zack nodded at his commander, having read all the signs his General was giving off. Sephiroth nodded back before replacing his look of curiosity with a look of absolute hatred for Hojo. "Madness?" He queried closing the gap of seven feet between him and Hojo in an instant, "this is Shin-Ra!"

He picked up one leg, leather clad knee brushing his chest, and slammed his foot as hard as he could into Hojo's chest. The scientist flew out through the window, down sixty five stories, hitting the pavement with a faint squelching noise. It came as a real surprise to everyone returning or leaving Shin-Ra for lunch to say the least.

Sephiroth smirked for a moment at the empty window pane before walking to the table and releasing Zack. "Are you alright?"

The SOLDIER nodded, "yeah now that you showed up."

There was an awkward pause as they looked at each other, when Zack's stomach growled. "'Scuse me, I guess in all the tension I forgot I was hungry."

Sephiroth shook his head, "come on, let's get lunch. My treat," he sighed striding to the door.

Zack's eyes lit up as he ran over to Sephiroth, "aww Seph you're the best!"


	36. Jenova's thoughts on the matter

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or Altoids, despite having a tin of them in my pocket.

**A/N Okay be honest how many people here think Mother is brain dead? No not your mothers. But in my experience anything with glowing eyes is very much alive. Is she really brain dead or not, we'll let Hojo be the verdict of that.**

Jenova looked around her tank, eyes flitting around the room as Hojo set various appliances on treys and wheeled the carts they sat on forward. It was time for another sample to be collected of genetic material. _The fool_, Jenova thought as Hojo smirked up staring her in the eye.

The one some called Mother looked around, "how's my precious _experiment _doing?" Hojo asked as he smiled up in the tank kissing it.

Jenova wanted to retort, _just peachy you ugly bastard. For starters you can get your lips off of that tank. Then you can let me out. After that you should seriously consider some Altoids and investing in a toothbrush and toothpaste because your breath smells like someone just spilled some biohazard waste in there. Not to mention your teeth are yellow, do you know how disgusting that is, wait is that a piece of spinach I see in your bicuspid? No matter you still need to relieve that halitosis. Along with a bath, when was the last time you bathed, when I arrived on this world? Either way you smell horrific and vile, and quite frankly it's disgusting. _But had to be content with just floating quietly in the tank.

He walked away unbuttoning his lab coat as he did so, revealing he was wearing a pair off boxers with little "I 3 Jenova"s plastered all over them. Jenova blanched, _what in the name of this insignificant dirt ball called Gaia is wrong with you man?! You are creepy! Not to mention you have green skin. When was the last time you went out in the sun, when your mom was pregnant?! That's it as soon as I get out of here; I am so getting rid of you. Judging by your bad back, green complexion and overall lack of personal hygiene I can assume your love life is pathetic._

Hojo looked up at the large, pale blue, feminine shape of Jenova, floating gently in its tank. He was running low on samples of Jenova cells for his injections in his test subjects, he needed more. Through trial and error he'd learned that he could collect samples without too much in the way of danger. "No you wouldn't hurt me at all."

He stepped up to the tank and hit the drain valve, the mako infused liquid drained out so he could open the door. "Be a good patient and this won't hurt a bit."

As soon as the door opened Jenova seized the moment by the horns. A long tentacle shot out and wrapped around Hojo's neck, he choked as Jenova slammed him into a wall. A small trickle of blood got onto the tentacle, Jenova winced, _and did you know your damn blood is acidic too? Honestly how have you managed to survive all this time, I'll give you credit for that much._

She banged his head against the wall a few times before dropping him; she let a small smile cross her face. Now she just had to wait for her son to come get her so they could take over the world.


	37. Fanpire strikes back

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII, Gackt or Black Stone. If you haven't heard it, 'tis a rather good song.

**A/N A special request, more death by fangirls. However there may be more then one innocent victim here. But it is the return of Genesis Rhapsodos, currently leading a double life as a humble rock star known as Gackt.**

Genesis was running down the street, well not so much running as hopping as he tried to get his boots zipped up. He was already running horribly late for his stage call, and his limo failed to pick him up. It wasn't so much the walk that was the problem as the fact he'd been spotted by nearly every person who seemed to be attending his concert.

"Gackt-sama can we have your autograph?" Most of them were shouting as they chased him.

He didn't bother replying as he was still on the lookout for Shin-Ra security cameras so he could keep his identity hidden from Shin-Ra. It meant a lot of slipping through back alleys and dodging main streets. This was making it progressively more and more difficult to get to the venue, as the cameras became more frequent and the fans more persistent.

"Please Gackt-sama! Before we get to the concert! Just one photo?" They called chasing him.

Finally he pulled his gloves off glancing back, "here, catch!" He called throwing them over his shoulder.

The pack stopped for a moment squabbling over them, Genesis seized the moment and started to increase his lead over them. One of the pack looked up, "he's getting away!"

The pack moved as one unit and took up the chase once again. The SOLDIER looked around desperately, he spotted Hojo just across the plaza, and there were no security cameras in that stretch of city. And he was desperately trying to slow them down.

Hojo looked up at the clock tower; he'd entered a radio contest out of boredom and ended up winning a pair of concert tickets to see this new rock star. It wasn't out of any particular dislike that he was in such an apathetic mood, it was more over the fact no one wanted to come with him. Not that he cared, the only time he like humans was when he was sticking needles in them or splitting them open with a scalpel.

He failed to notice the growing commotion behind him; Genesis grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him into the oncoming hoard of fans. Like a business of meerkats they went right through him.

Angeal and Sephiroth came around the corner, sharing ear buds listening to "Black Stone". They came across Hojo's battered body, Angeal bent down inspecting the corpse closely. "Trampled to death from the looks of him," he attempted to flip Hojo's body over noticing something fall out of the pocket. "Well what do you know a pair of Gackt tickets. You want to go to a concert this evening?" Angeal asked picking up Hojo's tickets.

Sephiroth nodded, "I'd love to come."

The pair nodded and headed off for the concert, prepared for an evening of relaxing with their friend.


	38. Rubber ducky your the one

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII; I do however own a nice rubber duck.

**A/N I'm doing this as a favor to Schalla-Kitty, who is a major fan of today's guest. So now for a little amusement from the political side of SOLDIER, Lazard, potential Crisis Core spoilers for the Nibelheim incident.**

Lazard glared at the back of Hojo's head, "who does he think he is?! What does he mean he's _borrowing_ Zack?! What in the name of Odin is going on around here?!" Several minutes ago Hojo had just declared SOLDIER First Class Zack indisposed. He'd received some information about this from the Turks of course; they were his people who'd been in Nibelheim. However this was a completely unexpected as to what happened; he was so frustrated it was giving him a headache.

He reached into the drawer of his desk, pulling out a rubber duck shaped stress reliever; he squeezed it for a moment. It made a squeaky noise, which only irritated Lazard even more, he sighed setting it on the desk. Hojo had been more of a nuisance then any other man he'd met in his entire life, something needed to be done. He was on good terms with the assistant head of the Scientific Department, so if he could put her in a position to take over then he could get his men back.

Picking up the duck he walked out of the room, it was time for some sanity to return here and he was going to have it one way or another.

A few hours later Hojo was sitting at his lab desk messing with his MP3 player, "wonderful…"

Lazard sighed from his place in the locker; he needed Hojo to leave before he could do anything. "Leave already, you must have a bladder," he grumbled.

Despite that, it was another few hours before Hojo left, he meandered over to the restroom and wandered inside. "Grr… damn coffee."

Lazard seized the opportunity and set up his operation. He grabbed the monkey wrench and pulled open the wall panel. Pulling as hard as he could he opened the tank reservoir and stick the rubber duck in there. Closing the tank again he twisted the wrench and started a controlled system back up, the pressure in the toilets started to skyrocket. With some deft finger work on the maintenance keyboard he rewired the system to fail in the one occupied stall. Closing the panel up he walked into the bathroom and stood over by the sinks, "Hojo could I talk to you for a minute?"

Hojo grimaced, "what?!"

"I wanted to tell you something very important that I really think you should hear," Lazard replied checking his watch leaving his sentence hanging.

At that moment there was a loud roaring from the piping, the roaring of water grew steadily louder before there was a high pitched yowl from Hojo as the torrent of water shot out of the toilet where he was sitting. Lazard quickly retreated to the entrance as a crash rang through the surge of water. Hojo's head had broken through the ceiling tiles and slammed into a pipeline overhead, the little evil rubber duck having driven him all the way into the ceiling when it his chin. Lazard took a couple of steps back as the flow was quickly taken care of by the automatic plumbing system, his little duck floated over on a stream of water, after a healthy application of sanitizer he picked it up.

"I wasn't finished speaking yet, so just hang out there while I finish. The thing I have learned from SOLDIER over the years is, the best time to kill someone is when they are sitting on the toilet," Lazard finished nodding and walking away leaving the dead body swinging slightly from the ceiling.


	39. Hojo's spinning right 'round

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII; I do have some nice red hand wraps like Tifa's.

**A/N I decided to pay tribute to a special group of people who have had a major influence on my life, martial arts instructors, the ones who teach others the way of the warrior. So with a major dedication and lots of hugs to the fantabulous people out there (you know who you are), I give you the return of Tifa! Cause I want to save Zangan-sensei for a special one later.**

Hojo smirked walking out of the reactor, "careful with those samples! I want them in as good of condition as they can be in!"

The men carrying the stretcher sighed, the kid wasn't all that heavy but that was just on his own. "Yes sir…"

He nodded returning to walking along silently, a small soft cackling chuckle escaped his lips, "yes we could do that… yes we could…"

The pair carrying the stretcher sighed, they silently agreed he was insane, but what else was new. He always had a habit of talking to himself in the first person plural. It would be fine if it was the singular but something about the fact he seemed to be making it plural deliberately was bothersome.

Behind a rock that the pair with the stretcher was coming, Tifa was regaining consciousness. She remembered that her father had been killed by Sephiroth, something to do with Zack then someone who sounded suspiciously like Cloud saying they were late. Peering around the rock she glared at the Reactor, "Shin-Ra…"

She stood up using the rock for support; her eyes fell onto Hojo walking around the bend looking so smug. Tifa had read about him in the newspaper, he was a Shin-Ra official, if he was Shin-Ra then this was his fault. "Grah, I hate Shin-Ra… Sephiroth… mako… I hate all of you!" She screamed running forward raising her fist and slamming it into his face.

Hojo seemed to move in slow motion as Tifa's fist connected with his face, slowly whirly-gigging in the air before slamming into a rock. Storming over the martial artist kicked him right in between the legs; he whimpered putting on a grotesque puppy face, "mommy! The mean girl is picking on me!"

Tifa rolled her eyes bringing one hand up and striking his collar bone with the edge of her hand. The force broke his collarbone with ease; the dislodged piece however drove into his heart killing him instantly. Leaving him dead with that stupid look on his face, Tifa sighed kicking him again for good measure before stopping. The two guys with the stretcher had come around the bend.

The one in front stopped so suddenly that the second jostled the stretcher sending the grunt's helmet rolling off. Tifa recognized the guy under it instantly, "Cloud!"

He opened his eyes blearily, "hey Tifa… I'm sorry… I was late."

She smiled at him rushing over as they set the stretcher down; she bent over and kissed his temple. "No problem, you stopped Sephiroth. And you came when I was in a bind, just like you promised."

He managed a smile, "you're not mad I didn't make SOLDIER?"

"No, now let's get you outta here," she smiled before glaring at the two guys; the pair gulped glancing at Hojo's body and running.

**A/N Ready to be disappointed? Starting on November 1****st**** I will be participating in NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. I will try and post weekly if I get the chance otherwise we'll finish out October and you can look forward to the return of the Hojo deaths in December!**


	40. Candy kill

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or Mythbusters, and be careful of what you eat!

**A/N Well… I did it. I finished Crisis Core and you have my utmost assurances it will make even the most staunch person cry. No spoilers, but today is as happy as I can make it, and I'd like to dedicate this chapter to SOLDIER First Class Zack Fair. A job well done Zack, a job well done indeed.**

Zack looked around the lab curiously, he'd never taken a good look around it before and he honestly never had any notion to previously. However today was different, he'd been bored, he hadn't been sent on a mission in ages and it was driving him nuts. He'd been called down to the lab for a mako checkup but they said Hojo would be a few minutes late because he was needed down in another lab due to some sort of misconduct thing.

Not that Zack cared what the old windbag did, he sighed plopping down in a chair and looking the desk over. That was when he spotted it, the biggest jawbreaker he'd ever seen in his life sitting on Hojo's desk, completely untouched, it hadn't even left the wrapper yet. "Never knew the old windbag had a sweet tooth."

He picked it up examining it carefully, it looked safe enough but Zack had other ideas about what to do with it. He'd been watching a show on TV that had given him an idea about what he could do. All he needed was a microwave, "bingo, now we're in business." He smirked seeing a large microwave shaped device sitting on the far table.

Standing up he walked over to it curiously, "danger: do not put candy, poodles, small children, or crazy psychopaths in this device. Otherwise there will be consiqunces and a slight chance of ran on Tuesday, now back to Rodney with the sports." Zack scratched his head, "um okay…"

He stuck the jawbreaker in the bizarrely labeled microwave and shut the door setting the timer for two minutes on high. He walked around the room looking around some more before the beeper on the microwave went off. Taking a pair of tongs he carefully grabbed the plastic and set the jawbreaker back where he'd found it.

Hojo wandered in as Zack sat down in the chair putting his feet up on the desk. "Boy, you had better not have touched my jawbreaker."

"Oh I wasn't aware you liked candy," Zack replied innocently.

"Honestly your lucky I'm in a good mood or you'd be dropped in a pit of molten candy," Hojo replied opening the cooled plastic and taking the jawbreaker. Putting his teeth on it he bit down and the thing exploded in his face.

Zack, being the SOLDIER he was, dodged behind the chair before sitting up. Hojo was covered in molten candy and blood, "hey I thought you said I was gonna get covered in molten candy."

Hojo continued rolling around and screaming before a piece of shell lodged in his throat and he choked to death. Zack shrugged and headed downstairs to the SOLDIER offices. "Man some people can't appreciate the irony of the situation."


	41. Tiiimmbeeeer!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and please don't try anything you have read at home. Unless it is for your own malicious Hojo killing purposes, in which case go with my blessing and a few sheets of Death Note paper.

**A/N Wow well as far as I can say this has been a real pleasure to serve you, however you'll have to be content with the first forty-four since I depart for the land of misfit plot weasels and plot bunny repellant. So without further ado, someone unusual, a librarian for today to celebrate.**

Serena looked around the library from her precarious perch on the ladder, she sighed as the ladder tilted slightly and decided to lean forward. The ladder returned to its tracks and she heard a shrill shushing from the last person she wanted it from. Working for the Scientific Department's Record Library meant the head librarian was Professor Hojo.

She put one hand up closing her eyes apologetically before returning to her current task of shelving his newest thesis. The bloody thing was five volumes long, each weighing about seven or eight pounds. She wasn't entirely sure if she was carrying a scientific thesis or the unedited tales of the Spoony Bard.

"Be careful with those, it is a record of my greatest experiment ever," Hojo called up to her.

Serena sighed before grumbling, "just printing this pile of lard was probably your greatest experiments." She snickered at the word lard, it was a synonym for Palmer, how anyone could drink tea with a pound and change of lard in it was beyond her.

She sighed as she finished putting the books away looking down at Hojo, "anything else?"

"Yes I need you to reorganize all of these shelves by content now, all of them are out of order. I want you to start with A and go to Z, each section is to be organized by author's last and then first name. Is that too complicated for you?" He asked.

Serena rolled her eyes, "I understand, but if I may be so bold as to ask, why are we doing it this way?"

"Because I felt like it," he replied before walking out of the library.

She glared at him sliding down her ladder as he slammed the door sending every book in the room falling off the shelves. Sighing she started to pick one up, before studying it and the door. Quickly she went over to her desk and grabbed some string tying it between the bookcases and then setting about putting all the books on the shelves but only the ones in the aisle where the string was in the order Hojo had requested.

Finally after several hours of putting up the books she sat down right when Hojo came in, "slacking on the job eh?"

"No sir, I just finished," she replied standing up and walking over to him pointing him down the center aisle.

"Hmm," he muttered something under his breath and walked forward. The string went taught and pulled the two bookshelves crashing down on top of him, the reverberation sent a domino effect of bookshelves cascading down onto the first two. When the dust settled a small trickle of blood ran out from under the middle of the pile, she picked up one of the bloody books and sighed. She hated to see a book ruined, but then again all the ones in that central aisle were the ones put out by Hojo. So it really was no loss.


	42. Counting with Zack and Reno

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII, and mismanagement of summons can cause, but not limited to, bleeding, coughing, sneezing, sore throat, nausea, death, and potentially getting "Electric de Chocobo" stuck in your head.

**A/N Hmm well I had this idea a while back. Besides who doesn't love the wonderful cop-out nature of Knights of the Round? The only thing it can't kill is a chocobo, if you don't believe me then get on youtube and look up "The Worst Way to Die in FFVII". But I know one thing it can kill, and three guesses who! And a special appearance by Reno and Sephiroth! I know Sephiroth doesn't need materia but just bare with me for this one, you'll be rid of me soon enough.**

Sephiroth looked around the lab, this was a rather unusual request indeed but he had figured that Hojo would want him to test something potentially dangerous as part of another test. He sighed and looked at the Red Materia in his hand and then up at the blast shield where Hojo was observing him. The rest of the scientists had cleared out to the upper decks, the General took a quick glance around at the scientists and Turks in the crowd. "Alright, all you want me to do is cast this correct?"

Hojo nodded, "correct."

"And its name?" Sephiroth continued. You needed to know the name of a spell in order for it to work.

"We've dubbed it Knights of the Round since there seems to be more then one entity inside of the materia," Hojo replied smirking.

Sephiroth straightened up and put his arm out closing his eyes, "Knights of the Round!"

There was a flash as the intricate summon portal opened, the room seemed to dissolve as the Knights zeroed in on, not one of the targets, but Hojo. As the first one raised up his sword, Zack, who was comfortable in the upper deck with Reno watching smirked at his Turk friend, "brilliant! Here comes one!" The first Knight hit Hojo as he counted.

The second one charged up as Reno caught on with the count, "two!"

"Three, hey a paladin," Zack continued.

Reno laughed, "four!"

Zack joined in his laughter, "five!"

Reno leaned back in his chair, "six!"

Zack put his head on the desk, "seven, another caster, that's what I call getting the cold shoulder!"

"Eight, hey how come you get all the magic guys?" Reno added after his count taking out a cigarette and lighting up.

Zack shrugged, "nine, wow this is a long summon, and that Comet2 spell had to hurt."

"Ten, no shit," Reno replied still laughing.

"E-e-e-e-e-eleven! Wow that one took a while," Zack continued his running commentary.

"Twelve, bet ya twenty gil the next one is the last," Reno chided.

"Alright then," Zack replied shaking hands with Reno. They both shouted, "lucky number thirteen!"

The world below the summons returned to normal, Zack sighed handing over twenty gil to Reno before they left to check out the battle damage. They found Sephiroth standing there mildly bewildered looking at Hojo, "interesting summon. We'll have to regulate this one."

Zack nodded, "yeah that was a summon for the ages."

Reno meanwhile was examining Hojo, his black greasy hair was charred and he looked rather charred overall but apparently the summon hadn't done that much damage. The Turk sighed taking the almost spent cigarette out of his mouth, "damn looks like it just turned him into barbeque but no sign of any real damage."

He turned back to the SOLDIERs flicking the butt of the cigarette over his shoulder. It hit Hojo, who promptly keeled over, dead as a doornail. Zack whistled, Sephiroth's expression changed to one of mild amusement, "a very powerful summon indeed. Or maybe…" he trailed off watching Reno for a moment.

Zack followed his gaze before looking at his commander, they shook their heads, "nah it couldn't be, could it?"


	43. Busted by a Buster Sword

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII, and if you ever need to give a gift, please give the gift of Hojo death. It is the gift that keeps on giving.

**A/N Hi everyone! Okay down to business, my pal Lance was annoyed at me for not doing enough Cloud deaths, and I didn't exactly get him his birthday present. In order to rectify this mistake slightly I bring the return of Cloud Strife with a twist and a thousand apologies and birthday wishes to Lance!**

Hojo stood up brushing off his lab coat and glaring over where Cloud and the others had escaped. That failure had just gotten away, two species on the verge of extinction had just escaped, and those pompous AVALANCHE fools had left. He walked over to where his precious Jenova was floating headless in a tank. "Stay here and be a good girl until I come back."

He walked out of the room and down to the elevator heading out of Shin-Ra and down the street to the coffee shop. Sitting down he pulled out his notebook and started recording his findings sipping a venti mocha frappachino with half a container of raw table salt. He sat there writing for a couple hours before deciding to head back to Shin-Ra.

Standing up he gathered up his notebook sipping his to-go cup walking back up the street paying no mind to the troops running around. It was a crisis, why should he care? Getting in the elevator he found himself not getting anywhere. "Piece of junk…" he grumbled getting out, in truth he had actually gone down a couple of stories.

Hojo started climbing up the emergency stairs from Sub-Level 3, "why do the elevators have to break now of all times? Damn AVALANCHE."

As he climbed up the stairs he continued to grumble to himself, "they don't respect me the way they did Gast. Those fatuous imbeciles, I will show them that this is my greatest theory ever."

"I will be renowned!" He shouted opening the door into the lobby; the incompetent buffoon Tuesti who built the Shin-Ra Building hadn't put the upper level stairs with the lower level stairs.

Crossing the lobby Hojo was cackling, he didn't hear the engine or crash as a periwinkle blue buggy came crashing into him head on. Hojo's legs flew up over his head and he created a graceful rag doll arc slamming into the main staircase.

"Urg… what did I do?" He muttered lying there for a minute before something hard flat and fast slammed him in the head.

Cloud was flying along on his new motorcycle he'd just borrowed with no intention of returning down the stairs. The Buster Sword strapped to his back had just smacked into something, it flew off of the magnets and into the air. Doing a couple dozen flips it landed point down into something that looked like a person. A small waterfall of bright red was making its way down the stairs.

He skidded to a halt at the foot of the stairs before dashing back up and grabbing the sword, "hmm… well I'd hate to be that guy."

The supposed SOLDIER ran back down jumping on the bike and popping a wheelie jumping the gap onto the freeway. 


	44. This is Halloween!

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII, Beethoven, or The Nightmare Before Christmas. Sad but true.

**A/N Boys and girls of every age, wouldn't you like to see something strange? Come with us and you will see our town of Midgar! Life's no fun without a good scare and Hojo is no exception. So as the Pumpkin Lord of the evening it is my pleasure to welcome everyone who Hojo has ever experimented on for a Halloween death! So join us if you dare. And thank you to all for the ideas implemented here.**

Hojo looked around the room; it looked like an ordinary party to the casual observer. People stood around with drinks in outfits of varying degrees of semi-outlandishness, music was blasting and people were dancing to it. A perfectly normal Shin-Ra Halloween party, finely spun sugar skulls sat with vibrant rock candy eyes glowing in the strobe lights. Streamers of black, orange, white and red hung from the ceilings; a disco ball in the center reflected the lights of the DJ booth.

He took another glance around the room, this wasn't a normal party, and he was recognizing everyone in there. Not in the, "see them in the hallway or the restroom every once and a while" way but in the, "oh crap why are they here?!" way.

The person on the DJ area stopped glaring at him, spiky black hair and a cross shaped scar, that SOLDIER from Nibelheim and the grunt with blond hair. And the one over behind him glaring at him, that meddling Valentine from when he'd just commenced the Jenova Project. Standing next to him was Lucrecia, and at a table nearby, Gast, and the last true Ancient Ifnala along with a five year old girl. Sitting on all fours by Vincent was his latest project Red XIII, the various members of SOLDIER were scattered all over the place. And walking onto stage was Sephiroth, which was an unmistakable face.

The SOLDIER General took a microphone off of the stand, "ladies and gentlemen how are we this evening?"

There was a scattered round of calls ranging from, "drunk as a python" to "fine and how are you?"

"Alright so we all know what tonight is right?" Sephiroth asked receiving a unanimous roar of yes from the gathered. "That's right tonight we're here to pay _special_ tribute to the man who made all of our lives a living nightmare! Professor Hojo! Grab him boys!"

Three men with silver hair and green eyes came out of nowhere and started wrapping Hojo up in wet leather. When they had finished they hooked a needle into him and hoisted him into the air.

"Put me down right now!" Hojo called.

"No can do Prof tonight's all about you, now would everyone line up in order of worst affliction by Hojo," Zack called putting on Ode to Joy.

Sephiroth, Vincent, Lucrecia, Gast, Ifnala, Nanaki, the various members of SOLDIER including the grunt and Zack and finally little Aerith all lined up in front of Hojo. "Wait this is all some sort of misunderstanding!" Hojo whined.

"Oh no mistake," Sephiroth replied, "be prepared to suffer your worst nightmare." He summoned the Masamune and slashed into Hojo.

He felt himself die before coming back as good as new, this time Vincent walked up and glared at him silently, "now repent." He muttered before lifting his left hand and stabbing Hojo's eyes and digging into the brain.

Once again he came back just fine as Lucrecia walked up, she didn't say anything but she did beat him over the head with a clipboard until he was almost dead. And so it went with each person going over and over. The whole while the leather he'd been wrapped in getting steadily tighter also killing him.

xxxxxx

The next morning Hojo was found dead in his bed, sheets distinctly wet. The cause of death was put up to a heart attack though there were leather burns all over his body. Also found in the room was a black feather, a bullet casing, a pen and a pink ribbon.


	45. Human Tetris 20

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or the concept of human Tetris.

**A/N Hi everyone! I hope you didn't get too sad about not having your daily Hojo death for a month. I am in a particularly foul mood, I failed at NaNoWriMo, and Friday was absolutely horrific. So tonight I was surfing YouTube in an effort to reprieve my anxiety and ended up watching human Tetris. Well I'll let you figure out the rest.**

Hojo looked around the room, the flashing lights, loud noises and tight silver leotard reminded him of his first night at a club. It had ended rather badly, that time he'd wound up mugged by a bunch of bikers and stuck in a trashcan rolling down a hill. Somehow he'd been entered in a contest where the winner got to be on a game show where they could have any prize they desired. It was hardly relaxing being in this sort of situation and Hojo was nervous and excited in a way only an experiment made him feel.

The announcer stood up and looked around at the studio audience smiling, "today's contestants will have to perform the dangerous sport of Human Puzzle!"

A diagram showed up behind them, "it's really simple, they stand in the play area and have to fit through the slot on the wall. If they don't fit then they get sent into the water!"

The crowd started to cheer wildly as the first contestant, Hojo, walked onto the play area and got ready to go. Hojo was feeling distinctly uncomfortable; the silver leotard was riding up and giving him a wedgie. It felt worse by the moment and was highly distracting.

He shook it off looking up at the wall in front of him; it was sliding forward to reveal a number one shape cut out of the solid pink panel. He stood up and the wall slid right passed him cleanly, he'd cleared the first round easily. Walking off to one side he watched the other contestants get knocked into the water.

"Round two!" The announcer called as Hojo came back on the stage, a large opening appeared and he stood there calmly cackling as it passed him by.

The other people fell into the water like dominoes, he laughed at them dreaming up the prize he was about to win in the last round, it was a new lab coat with more pockets and designer flame retardant.

"Final contestant step up and get ready to claim your prize," the announcer called Hojo up laughing brightly. "All you have to do is get through one last wall!"

Hojo smirked, that lab coat was practically his. He walked onto the play area and got ready to go, the wall that came up wasn't a Styrofoam one but a solid brick one. It slid forward before sliding forward and slamming into Hojo straight on before tipping over and squishing him into a bloody pancake.

The announcer pulled off his face and revealed a young girl with brown hair and green eyes. Aerith Gainsborough looked up at the studio audience, consisting of Zack, and the SOLDIERs he'd deemed worthy for the setup. Zack had paid off the host of the game show as a favor to Aerith, since it was the anniversary of her mother Ifnala's death and she wanted a little payback.

"Thanks Zack!" Aerith smiled.

He smiled back at her, "no problem."


	46. Bad Dates

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, or Indiana Jones.

**A/N Hi everyone! Boy it's been a fun day, and the only way it could get better is by killing Hojo naturally! So today's death is for my wonderful mother, happy birthday mom! And welcome Dr. Lucrecia Crescent for today's death! I just love a happy ending for all, don't you?**

Lucrecia looked around the room, it was absolutely horrific for her, but she smiled up at Vincent floating calmly in the tank. "Just a little longer, then I can let you out." She whispered touching the glass however before that could happen she had some business left to attend to.

Picking up a vial of poison she walked calmly up to the elevator and walked calmly down the hall to the kitchen. Opening the door she looked around it making sure she was alone, striding over to the window she picked up a bowl of dates and pored the contents into it. She set the bowl down and pocketed the empty vial and headed back to her lab, in just a few hours everything would be back to the way it should be.

Later that evening Hojo reemerged from his lab feeling hungry, he went up to the kitchen and grabbed his bowl of dates. He picked one out of it and bit down, he swallowed before getting this funny look on his face. He walked over to the window and clambered up on the counter after several minutes of struggling to do so.

Opening the window he looked out, "oh Jenova's head…" he smiled before walking out and as he grabbed a Cockatrice. The startled bird bucked and screeched carrying him off into the woods, where his cackling screams could be heard fading into the night.

Shortly afterwards, Lucrecia had let Vincent out of the tank, and after a very long discussion with a lot of apologies, they came upstairs. Lucrecia was cradling her baby with her other hand holding Vincent's. She led him up to the kitchen, "come on."

"What is it?" He asked confused smiling slightly.

She opened the door, smiling she pointed to the bowl and the window, "I added something to the dates."

"Bad dates," Vincent laughed kissing her gently.

She smiled looking at the baby giggling, "that's right sweetie and nothing bad is ever going to happen to you again."

Vincent nodded before putting the dates in a bag and storing them in the fridge looking at her, "absolutely brilliant though I think you've been watching a few too many movies."

She laughed, "I suppose you're right."


	47. What Jenova is really thinking

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, and I don't mean any disrespect to Okaa-san.

**A/N Aww… You guys missed this! I feel loved. Anyway, remember Death #36? Course you do, because this is kind of a pseudo sequel to it. Actually it's almost a replacement for it. I know I've had Jenova kill him once already, but it's too much describing him from her POV. Without further ado, let's welcome back Okaa-san!**

Jenova blinked startled, she'd been minding her own business happily floating and scheming. _Oh now what?! For the love of this dirt ball, not you again, what's wrong with you today? _She carefully looked over every inch of Hojo; _there's dirt in between the wrinkles and folds of the skin on his neck. Little black hairs curling out of his ears, and what's that coming out of his nose_? She squinted seeing curly black hairs coming out with a little drip of nasal secretion that was growing steadily larger as he walked towards her, threatening to fall off as he began to speak.

"And how are we today Jenny?" He smiled revealing several chipped teeth, _all thirty of which are yellow bordering on brown. Bits of foodstuffs were clearly visible between them, some of which looked like it was decaying. Some of it was a fuzzy green, and looked, alive. Alive?! My word man does the phrase halitosis mean nothing to you! Have you tried chugging mouthwash or brushing?! _

"Tonight we're going to have fun at my place!" And with that he attempted to lift her out of the tank but realized smuggling a full sized extraterrestrial through the Shin-Ra building would be difficult, his coat pocket wasn't big enough. So with a heavy sigh he cut off Jenova's head and shoved it in his coat pocket. She now had a clear look at his nails that were black and jagged, and she didn't even want to think about the bulge in his pants.

_What the f---?! You are the most bedraggled, contaminated, cruddy, crummy, defiled, disarrayed, dishabille, disheveled, dreggy, dungy, dusty, filthy, foul, greasy, grimy, grubby, grungy, icky, lousy, messy, mucky, muddy, mungy, murky, nasty, pigpen, polluted, raunchy, scummy, scuzzy, skank, slatternly, slimy, sloppy, slovenly, smudged, smutty, sooty, spattered, spotted, squalid, stained, straggly, sullied, undusted, unhygienic, unkempt, unlaundered, unsanitary, unsightly, unswept, untidy, unwashed, yucky, degenerate, lecherous, sex maniacal, sleazebag I have ever seen! I am _so _getting out of here!_ Jenova mentally ranted.

She'd been laid down in Hojo's bed, which she didn't want to think about where she was, Hojo smiled and bent down to kiss her, when she manipulated her hair to form a spring and launched at his exposed jugular. Shaking violently she ripped out his jugular spitting it out as soon as he was bleeding out on the floor. _Disgusting, I have never tasted something so vial, did you know you taste disgusting? No, I don't suppose you would, seeing as how you are now bleeding out. But the facts are facts you taste like fecal matter. I need to track down some toothpaste and a brush before I conquer this planet._

And with that she started off on her quest to find a toothpaste and dental appliance strong enough to kill the Hojo based bacteria now growing in her mouth.

**A/N I would like to give a special shout out to the wonderful people at thesaurus dot com. You guys rock. **


	48. Short straw

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, if I did then there would be no optional characters.

**A/N Yo! So I know I have them and you have them too. The day when you draw the short straw and nothing seems to go right. Well I know that Reno has them too, so lets join the Turks for a day in their lives when they aren't scouting SOLDIERs or assassinating someone.**

Tseng looked around the collective group of Turks, and sighed, "ever since the 'accident' with the Wheel of Assignments. Not saying who wrecked it."

Cissnei coughed, and it sounded suspiciously like "Reno."

Tseng glared at her, and then at Reno, before continuing, "now we have a new system. We're drawing straws, out of my hand."

"What?!" Came the collective confused shout from the group.

"That's right, the one who gets the short one has to deal with Hojo for the day," Tseng announced holding up his handful of straws.

He picked one out before walking around the ring of Turks and letting them all take one, he came to Rude, who took one, "…It's normal."

Tseng nodded offering his hand to Cissnei, she took one, "normal too!"

That just left Reno and one straw, "normal yo."

"Nope!" Cissnei smiled holding up her straw next to his and showing that his was the short one. "See ya!"

"But! But! This was rigged yo!" Reno shouted seeing Cissnei run off with Rude.

"How was it rigged?" Tseng asked.

"I got the short one!" Reno whined.

"Reno… get going," Tseng groaned feeling his familiar twitch come back.

"But I! I!" Reno whined, Rude walked back down the hall, picked up Reno by the collar and belt throwing him in the elevator.

The trio went down to the lab and let Reno off, "damn it…" he grumbled flicking around the straw noticing the pointy end of the straw. He smirked as he swaggered into the lab, "hey Prof, what's up."

Hojo rolled his eyes craning his neck back so his nostrils were exposed. "Not you, well just don't get in my way."

"Oh no prob," he replied before flicking the straw up Hojo's nose. The latter keeled over, Reno waited for a drip of grey matter to come out of Hojo's nose. None came, "well I'll be damned, he's got no brain. Ah well, I'm done for the day, Honeybee Manor here I come!" He walked over to the elevator, "maybe he's really some sorta animatronics thing or something..."

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Somewhere in the Urban Development office there was a loud sneeze, one of the secretaries looked over, "are you alright sir?"

Reeve Tuesti nodded, "fine… just a sneeze."


	49. Snow coned

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, and for the record I can't skate to save my life.

**A/N Today it snowed at my school, so I thought of ice-skating as I ate my lunch by the lake. And then I thought, "some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice, from what I've tasted of desire Hojo will end up dead either way." (If you caught what poem that is then you are awesome.) Anyway, little dog put in a request to do Marlene. So ladies and gentlemen Marlene Wallace!**

Marlene looked up at the snow falling gently to the ground from the sky; she and Barret were taking a trip to Kalm. It was snowing so she was out preparing to go ice-skating on a nice lake while her father looked on happily. "Hey Papa, you should come too!"

Barret shook his head, "nah you just skate your heart out. I'm happy just watchin'."

Marlene nodded stepping onto the ice gliding along it happily, meanwhile somewhere around the bend in the lake Hojo was strapping on some skates. He was here to relax and get away from the lab on mandatory leave; he finished pulling on his skates and stood up before falling over on his face.

Back with Marlene, she was practicing her circles happily holding her Moogle doll as she zipped along. Barret stood up, "hey Marlene I'm gonna go get some food for us at the stand, stay where I can see ya."

"Okay!" She called skating along carving a perfect circle.

He walked off to the stand to get some food, Marlene saw Hojo attempting to skate around the corner zipping over to him. "Hey you wanna play? Come on!"

She grabbed Hojo's hand and pulled him over to where she had been skating. However what Marlene didn't know was that she'd been skating on thin ice, it was thick enough to support the weight of a four year old but it wasn't strong enough to support a fifty nine year old crazy lunatic. She smiled skating around Hojo in circles, "come on! I'll race ya!"

"Marlene let's go! I have a snack for you!" Barret called from the crepe stand.

She nodded, "I'll see ya later, 'kay? Bye!" She sat down in the snow pulling off her skates and pulling on her boots running over to Barret. The two set off down the path eating a nice warm desert.

Back on the ice, there was a distinctive cracking noise, Hojo looked down seeing a large fissure appearing in the ice. It grew perpetually larger, it went right between his legs, so he leaned forward watching it until he threw himself off balance causing not only him to slip and fall on his face but the ice to break. It split apart so Hojo was in the splits, he dropped into the frigid water, however a very sensitive part of his anatomy hit a sunken log as he bobbed under the ice. He gasped inhaling water quickly going into anaphylactic shock followed by asphyxiation and cardiac arrest still in the fetal position clutching his injury as he sank.


	50. Fight on the Junon Cannon

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, if I did then October 1st and 13th would be holidays.

**A/N Break out the balloons and cake, it's the big 50! For fifty days and forty-nine nights you've seen Hojo, "slashed, strangled, slaughtered, beaten, stabbed and crushed. Garroted and impaled, shot and executed without mercy. Nicely said Weiss." Sorry couldn't resist, anyway, today is a special death from one of my favorite characters, but I need to put up a Crisis Core Spoiler warning. So ladies and gentlemen, Angeal Hewley! (PS for full effect put on One Winged Angel and read on. But be warned, this is an awesome fight when in its entirety.)**

The sun was just coming over the horizon; the sky was a golden color and perfectly clear as three people walked onto the Mako Cannon at Junon. Sephiroth was in the lead as he walked out onto the edge of the cannon watching the sea, letting the salt air fill his lungs. Angeal leaned against the fencing next to Genesis who was casually reading Loveless while they enjoyed the morning.

Genesis smirked as he began to read, "The mysterious abyss 'tis the Gift of the Goddess. In pursuit of this gift we take flight. Within the heart's water surface a hopeless wander will flow. Like ripples to waves come forth the dreams below."

Sephiroth groaned, "Loveless Act 1."

Genesis sneered, "Painful is it?"

"Having to hear you read it everyday, I have no choice but to remember." Sephiroth turned around tapping his head laughing.

Angeal sighed watching them. "Don't go swing your sword too recklessly."

Genesis closed his eyes snapping his copy of Loveless shut. "Whatever."

"Now, how about putting away that toy sword?" Sephiroth asked mockingly.

"As expected of Sephiroth huh?" Angeal laughed finally standing up and getting ready to fight.

Genesis however put his hand up to stop Angeal "Angeal, stand back please. I'd like to have a duel with Sephiroth."

"Genesis!" Angeal exclaimed.

"I too would like to become a hero." Genesis replied glaring at Sephiroth drawing his claymore.

Sephiroth shrugged, "fine by me."

Genesis smirked, "that laxness of yours, how long do you think you can keep it up?"

Angeal glared at Sephiroth, he and Genesis charged at the SOLDIER commander. The pair came full force slashing at him, Sephiroth skillfully ducked out of the way fighting them off even though he was between them. Genesis and Angeal charged from opposite sides and swung at Sephiroth, he blocked them one handed.

"Gentlemen this is what you call skill," Sephiroth smirked breaking their attack leaping into the air.

Angeal and Genesis leaped after him, Genesis swung while Angeal thrust, and Sephiroth dodged Angeal blocking Genesis. Angeal however couldn't control his momentum and stabbed through the "fourth wall" of the simulation room right through a window. Angeal withdrew his sword as he noticed a spray of blood and glass. The world fizzled for a moment as the training simulation ended, there was blood on the window. He looked down, "great, I killed Professor Hojo and broke the training room."

"Do you know how much this will cost to repair? And with the new budget restrictions we won't have the money to pay for it," Sephiroth groaned annoyed.

Angeal looked sheepishly at the other two, "um I killed Hojo."

Sephiroth had a far off look in his eye, "every cloud has a silver lining."

Genesis shook his head leaning against the wall and pulling out Loveless.


	51. Good thing you never said four

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and hobbits invented golf. I swear.

**A/N 51, in theory a time when people start thinking about retirement. Retired people play golf, company executives play golf. Shin-Ra employees work for a company and therefore play golf, I never said a word about them enjoying it.**

Sephiroth looked down the long green field at the tiny yellow flag in the distance before looking somewhat dismayed at Zack, Lazard and Tseng. The other three were looking rather comfortable in slacks and polo, Sephiroth however had flat out refused to change out of his normal coat, he looked rather out of place wearing a black polo, black leather pants, and his favorite coat.

Shaking his head he examined his club, "so all I have to do is use this pathetic excuse for a weapon to hit that little ball all the way to that little flag?"

Lazard nodded, "sounds simple when you put it like that but its harder then it looks."

"Come on Seph everything'll be just fine!" Zack exclaimed clapping Sephiroth on the back.

He sighed looking forelorned at Tseng, "We must all suffer through this new tournament. You are not alone." The Turk replied.

Sephiroth sighed turning his attention to the little white ball at his feet; it seemed so insignificant and pointless. "I wish I had my sword," he muttered raising his club one handed, looking more like he was about to cut the ball in half then hit a golf ball. He had his utmost concentration on the ball, imagining it was Hojo's head that he was about to lop off was certainly helping.

"Don't forget to say four!" Zack shouted.

Sephiroth faltered glaring at Zack, "in the middle of my backswing?!"

"Sorry," Zack winced smiling.

Sephiroth shook his head looking back at the ball returning to his stance, _focus; just imagine its Hojo's ugly little head and you're going to bash it all the way to Cosmo Canyon._ With that image in mind he swung, the force alone of the club on the ground snapped the metal rod like a twig. He missed hitting with the face of the club and hit the ball with the rod, despite the mishap both ball and club head went flying down the fairway.

They sailed well past the flag and over to the tee box of the second hole, he could see a geyser of red off glimmering in the sun near there. Tseng shook his head silently, Zack was on the ground in hysterics, Lazard sighed, "I think that's a new course record."

"I think that's a new world record," Zack managed as he wiped some tears off his face.

Tseng jumped into the cart, "though I think you may have hit someone."

"Oh…" Sephiroth sighed climbing onto his seat, Zack and Lazard sat down to see if it really had happened.

Tseng drove off to the next tee box and parked near the river of blood. They got off to see Hojo's body, headless, yet clutching his crotch in the fetal position, confetti of cranial confections sprayed in a crimson and grey fan behind his headless shoulders. The club head was lying clutched between Hojo's knees while the ball was a few feet beyond the bloody mess embedded in the hill of the next tee.

"Good thing you didn't yell four!" Zack laughed.


	52. Looks like Hojo's blasting off again

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII; if I did then Hojo killing would be a mini game at Wonder Square. And please forgive me for the Pokémon reference at the end; I am insane at the moment.

**A/N Yesterday in Biology we were watching Planet Earth, which I must say is a pretty amazing show. And it gave me a ton of ideas about how to do Hojo in, though I must warn you when Yuffie's on the hunt for materia from a group of Shin-Ra people anything can happen.**

It was a hot and muggy day in the middle of the jungle; the heat was so hot you could fry an egg on a leaf, if you could stop the humidity keeping it in a liquid format. Red Fanged Deer were grazing calmly on the low chutes and leaves, while frogs leaped from tree to tree in harmony. While through the branches a lone figure leaped around setting out ropes and other sorts of traps.

Yuffie landed on another branch of a nearby tree looking around intently, she'd heard that there would be a Shin-Ra unit passing through here on a scientific expedition. She'd set up traps all over the place half hoping one of them would be triggered so she could get some materia. It'd been forever since she'd gotten any new materia.

"Urg… I am so bored when will someone come by already!" She complained loudly.

Down in the depths of the jungle Hojo was doing a lot of complaining of his own, "are we there yet?"

The guide turned around, "no"

A minute later, "are we there yet?"

"No," the guide replied annoyed.

"Now?" Hojo snapped.

"No," the guide was trying to keep his cool.

Hojo sighed stopping to examine an unusual blue flower, "when will we be there?"

The guide sighed stopping, "as soon as you stop asking every thirty seconds then yes we will be there you baboon!"

Hojo twitched, "I'm not a baboon you Tonberry!"

"I am wiser then you are you chocobo dung for brains," the guide replied kicking Hojo in the shins. The guide carefully avoided a poorly concealed snare trap as Hojo leaped up in the air clutching his leg in pain.

She looked down seeing some movement. It was the Shin-Ra troop, all of whom avoided the trap of the snare. However someone finally leaped on the snare, it sprang nimbly into the air pulling them up to her level before sending him flying off into space as a twinkle of light.

She watched him fly off, "looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again!" She sighed, now she had to chase after her materia, but guys who were stupid enough to step in a trap like that didn't have any materia.


	53. Don't try this at home

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or the concept of Diet Coke and Mentos; I encourage you all to try it.

**A/N Hola mis amigos! Welcome to day 53! No matter how much I swear it's an accident you'll never believe that Aaron and Jenkins were pure coincidence when they were named. Apparently a majority is convinced that it was deliberate that they have the same first letter of their names as Adam and Jamie. Anyway… we're going to try something amusing and conventional today. So welcome back Aaron and Jenkins!**

Aaron pulled his pack of mints looking over at Jenkins, "want one?"

"Pass, not a good idea, besides you remember what happened with that guy who swallowed one with a mouthful of soda," Jenkins replied laughing and leaning back in his chair.

"Yeah well it was his own fault," Aaron shrugged popping one in his mouth and crunching it. When he finished swallowing he picked up some papers. "Did we get the new equipment we needed?"

Jenkins shook his head, "nah, the Boss said he wanted to 'field test' new equipment."

Aaron groaned, "urg, well that ends that thought."

"Agreed, so what're we gonna do?" Jenkins asked.

"Us? We're gonna get it of course," Aaron smirked.

A few minutes later the pair was situated behind a bookshelf, watching Hojo chugging his way through bottle after bottle of soda. The pair waited until Hojo turned away, Jenkins dashed out and put the whole of the mints into the newly opened bottle of soda. He sprinted back to cover of the bookshelf, preparing to watch the show unfold.

Hojo grabbed the bottle as the reaction was starting; the spray of soda hit him full in the face as he reeled back in his swivel chair. He started spinning around clutching his eyes yelling, "Jenova! Help me! Help me Jenny! Help me!"

Aaron and Jenkins laughed, "whose Jenny?" Aaron asked.

"Don't know, don't care," Jenkins choked clutching his ribs.

Hojo stood up and ran a few feet before tripping and sliding into a precariously balanced Jacob's Ladder device. The tower swayed for a moment before falling over, an arc of electricity passing through Hojo causing him to jerk violently. It wasn't the voltage that was causing his heart to spasm, it was the ampere, and the tower was putting out 60,000 volts but only 5 amps. Less then one amp was fatal, and Hojo was getting about twelve times that dosage. His slack body fell backwards and hit the ground with a dull thud, and it left a smell of barbecue in the air.

Aaron and Jenkins pulled out a pair of rubber gloves each and looked at him carefully, "one things for sure I don't think we're winning any blue ribbons for our new rack of ribs." Aaron commented poking at Hojo's body to feel for a heartbeat.

"Yeah besides we forgot to put any rub on him before he got fried," Jenkins laughed.


	54. Wishing for vacation

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and for the love of Holy, do not try this or any of these ideas in any of these stories at home, I've got 54 days of experience that keeps me safe.

**A/N Hi there everybody! I must condone a health warning here, this could happen to you if you do what Hojo does in today's episode then you'll end up like him. And by now you can predict the outcome. So today, I bring you Cissnei of the Turks!**

Cissnei sighed looking at Tseng before glaring daggers at Reno. This new system of seeing who would guard was getting annoying; the spinner seemed rigged to always select her when they were choosing Hojo's guard for the day. "But Mr. Tseng make Reno do it!"

"Patience is a virtue Cissnei, and revenge is a dish best served cold," the Turk commander replied.

"You've been watching sci-fi shows to much yo," Reno smirked. "Get going Cissi, you lost out."

Cissnei glared at him before leaving the room, she had to get on the job before she decided to break Reno's nose and get suspended from work. Then again considering her options breaking Reno's nose held a lot of promise, but being the dutiful Turk she was she had to go do what she was assigned, even if it meant skipping a wonderful opportunity like shutting Reno up and getting a vacation.

She headed down to the elevator and went to the labs in a very foul mood, "good morning Professor," she managed through gritted teeth.

"Ah Turks, right on time, head to my room, I need some shelves installed, once you finish that I need my filing cabinets relabeled and organized." Hojo greeted not looking up.

The Turk sighed, she left the lab and went to the Scientific Apartments, and she found the shelf sitting there outside the apartment assigned to Hojo. She dragged the box inside, sighing again as she read the instructions; they were all in an unrecognizable language of course. She couldn't make heads or tails of it, despite being required to decipher any language.

Shaking her head Cissnei set up the shelves rather quickly placing the various pieces of fruit from a basket by the storage closet next door on the structure to hide the loose screws, wobbly shelves and overall rather bad job of putting the shelves up. She left turning off the light, after taking care of the rest of her tasks grudgingly and decided to call it a day without reporting to Hojo. She was annoyed; she wanted a bath and a cup of tea before curling up in a chair with her favorite book.

Hojo meanwhile looked up, "damn Turk, must still be working on the shelves." He grumbled as he shuffled down the hall. Eventually he wound up in the apartment section and entered his dark apartment. "Turk?"

He stepped forward into the room unable to see in the dark; suddenly he slipped on the tile and crashed into the shelves sending the whole thing crumbling down. His open mouth was shot through with a banana as he asphyxiated on the yellow plantain, a large watermelon having smashed him between the legs as well that is what caused him to scream in the first place.


	55. Knit one Purl two

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, I do knit, and I have friends who crochet.

**A/N Day 55! I didn't update yesterday because the site wasn't letting me, I seem to recall something similar happening on October 13th when I was uploading Vincent's Birthday one. Anyway, like October 14th before it you will get two deaths today to make up for what happened. So welcome Rufus Shin-Ra to Day 55!  
**

Rufus glanced around the office, paperwork was done, he had just submitted his latest plan to the Executives, and any other menial tasks were taken care of. He glanced up at the cameras and reached for the phone and called up Tseng.

"Hello?" Tseng answered the phone.

"It's me could you turn off the cameras for a while in the office?" Rufus asked carefully pulling out a bag from under his desk.

"I understand sir," Tseng replied switching off the cameras in Rufus's office.

Rufus emptied the contents of the bag onto his desk; two knitting needles were sitting comfortably within a large supply of yarn and feaux pearls. He picked up the needles with a rather nice looking scarf trailing off of it. He had five more roes to go before he cast off and finished it. He quickly set to work, "knit one, add pearl, purl two, knit one, add pearl, purl two…" He started chanting as he began knitting.

Elsewhere in Shin-Ra the Executives were arguing about Rufus reorganization, Reeve was absent cleaning his office to move into his new Vice President position. Tseng and Sephiroth were supposed to take over the Executive seats. They voted Hojo as their representative to go talk to Rufus. After all his father would be back from his trip to one of those cults any day now, they couldn't have the whole company reorganized in one day.

"Good luck!" Scarlet called as Hojo left the room fuming about his new position as head of waste management.

He stormed up the stairs to Rufus's office and started ranting, "waste management! A genius like me deserves to run this company! No the world!"

Rufus was still attempting to knit, "knit one, add pearl, purl two, knit one add pearl, purl two…" He stopped dead staring at his knitting, he'd slipped a stitch as soon as Hojo walked in. "You… you… YOU MADE ME DROP A STITCH! DIE!"

He stood up and threw the needles like a pair of darts; they broke Hojo's glasses and went right into his brain. Hojo keeled over as Rufus stood up and stormed over to Hojo's body, "look at this! YOU GOT BLOOD ON MY SCARF AND NEEDLES!" Picking up the needles and scarf he sighed and sat down, if he hurried with his cast off he could get his scarf saved provided the Hojoblood could even come out. He sighed sitting down and starting to cast off.


	56. Chain of woven memories

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and I don't really mind too much.

**A/N As promised two in one day to make up for the evil bizarre Hojoblood induced evil of the uploader going on the fritz. So please forgive my lack of posting yesterday, the Hojoblood finally got to be too much for the system and they had to clean it out before I was allowed to get the site messy again. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen I give you Sephiroth!**

Sephiroth looked around the room laden with boxes, "what are all these boxes doing in here?"

Zack shrugged before smiling, "apparently Hojo was gonna have all this stuff destroyed. Tseng recovered it and said this was all the stuff pertaining to you from Nibelheim."

The SOLDIER General opened the nearest box, inside there was a crochet hook and a pair of woven baby booties. Under them was a photo of a woman with brown hair and a blue dress in a lab coat, next to her was a young man with his black hair side parted to the left, he was wearing a traditional navy Turk suit. Zack was on his tippy-toes trying to see. "Hey Seph I can see where you get your looks from!"

"Why would Hojo have something like this?" Sephiroth muttered.

"Dunno but look at de widdle Sephi boodies!" Zack nearly went into hysterics holding up the little pink booties.

Sephiroth looked up startled glaring at Zack, "drop them Zachary."

"Aww I didn't know you're favorite color was pink! I bet you look adorable in them!" Zack smirked.

Sephiroth had a throbbing vein, "Zachary…. Put them down. Now."

"Come on, I bet there's a ton of other baby clothes in here!" Zack started digging around in the box pulling out a little pink dress with matching pink hat. All of them looked to be hand crocheted, Sephiroth's fingers were twitching as Zack was making his way for the door, fingering the crochet hook in a dangerous fashion.

Zack reached to the door only to have it thrown open by Hojo, "what is going on in here?!"

However at that moment Sephiroth decided to throw the crochet needle aiming for Zack, who was ducking out behind Hojo. Rather then grazing Zack's shoulder the needle flew through Hojo's esophagus, trachea and dug into his spinal column a little. Hojo gagged falling forward onto his face with an utterly stupid look on his face.

Zack felt a drop of sweat roll down his face as a nervous grin came across his face, "ahaha, here you can have it back!" He quickly walked over to Sephiroth, who was extracting the needle from Hojo wiping the blood on the lab coat. In one swift movement he shoved the clothes into Sephiroth's arms before scampering off. "Bye!"

Sephiroth shook his head returning his attention to extracting the items from the boxes.


	57. Liar Liar Plants for Hire

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Babylon 5, or Doctor Who sorry.

**A/N One of my favorite shows of all time is Babylon 5, not sure how many of you watched it but I really like it, along with Doctor Who. So today I would like to bring in someone I think is a little overdue in their chance, ladies and gentlemen Professor Gast! With some fluffy Vincent x Lucrecia on the side, dedicated to you know who you are. You are the best.**

Professor Gast stood up, he quickly crossed the room to a man in an impossibly long scarf. He was attending a conference of assorted intellectual types, however he wanted to check up on his two assistants references. Lucrecia's had all checked out and spoken very highly of her, all he had left to do was Hojo's. "Excuse me Doctor Tom, could I have a word?"

He turned around, "actually I was kind of in a rush, but go ahead."

Professor Gast nodded, "I was wondering if you could tell me about my assistant Professor Hojo?"

Doctor Tom shrugged, "I have no clue who you are talking about I am sorry."

He walked away, Gast quickly sought out every other one of Hojo's references to meet with the same result. Either they said something about him being the guy who they made do the cleaning or never hearing of him at all. The Professor stopped thinking about what he should do now, if he fired Hojo then he could be rid of him. However Hojo had enough blackmail material on everyone in Shin-Ra Manufacturing to take it over. He walked over to the nearest phone and dialed, "Mr. Valentine?"

Vincent Valentine nodded at the phone on the other end, "hey Professor what's up?"

"Listen, I need you to do something for me," Gast announced right away.

"Sure what is it?" Vincent asked.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A few days later Gast returned to Nibelheim from his meeting in Cosmo Canyon, he felt tired from the drive but was ever so glad to be back. Ascending the stairs he walked to his office but stopped as he heard voices coming through, namely Hojo.

"And on your way out I would like you to take the time to learn the Shin-Ra mantra, Hojo is always right. I will listen to Hojo. I will not ignore Hojo's recommendations. Hojo is a god. And if this ever happens again Hojo will personally rip your lungs out! Dismissed."

The door opened revealing Lucrecia and Vincent stepping out, Hojo comfortably sitting in Gast's leather chair. Vincent and Lucrecia were holding hands walking out seeming to have completely disregarded Hojo's last statement as Vincent closed the door.

"Certainly full of himself, if his ego gets any bigger it's going to need it's own postal code," Vincent laughed.

Lucrecia laughed, "Vincent!"

Gast coughed slightly, "Mr. Valentine is what I requested installed?"

The Turk nodded, "just put the finishing touches on it this morning. Would you like to do the honors?" He pulled a remote out of his pocket and handed it to Gast.

Lucrecia looked between the two, "what are you two up to?"

"Nothing at all, I love you," Vincent replied smoothly kissing her on the cheek.

"I love you too but don't think you're off of the hook," Lucrecia replied.

Gast smiled, "well I found out something interesting about Hojo the last week. He's lied about everything, none of his sources remember him, and none of the papers he said he wrote are by him." He pushed the large red button on the remote.

Hojo's seat was immediately flung backwards towards a chute. He slid down hearing a lot of strange squeaking noises as he landed. He reached around in the dark and picked up a small green cactus looking thing and gave it a squeeze. The cactuar made it's funny sounding squeak before the room started to move, in the dim light Hojo could see more and more cactuars appearing. All at once they used 1000 Needles, Hojo keeled over looking more like an oversized porcupine then a person.


	58. Dart and Dash

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and Vincent's weapon as listed by the Compilation Ultimania is his left arm. Go figure.

**A/N I got a review saying "why does no one ever feel remorse over killing Hojo?" I have three simple reasons: 1. Because this is comedy, c-o-m-e-d-y, remorse is for being serious, the fact no one cares is funny in an ironic sort of way to me. 2. It's Hojo, after everything he did he needs to get dead. 3. I am a sadist with a warped sense of humor who has a Light Yagami complex, never give me a Death Note. Rolling right along please welcome Denzel! It's a special dedication to the CloTiDenLene family, but it's Denzel when he's four or five.**

Denzel looked up at his dad, Abel, "this is gonna be so cool!"

Abel smiled at his son's perpetual enthusiasm for today's event. Today Shin-Ra's bring your child to work day, and Denzel always loved to come. It was a chance for him to play with kids he wouldn't normally be able to and have some fun away from school. "I know son, but try not to shoot anyone."

Denzel grinned as he held up his new foam dart gun; he couldn't wait to try it out with his friends. They grabbed Denzel's nametag from the desk and entered the elevator, accompanied by Denzel's best friend from school, Isaac, and his uncle, Aaron.

"Hey Denzel!" Isaac smiled as he held up his own foam dart gun.

"Hi Isaac!" Denzel replied brightly.

Aaron and Abel watched the two start talking, "so then same old same old?" 

The pair of boys looked up at the Shin-Ra employees with puppy eyes, "cam Isaac and I play? Please?"

"Stay out of people's way and try not to break anything, promise?" Abel cautioned as the doors opened and the boys ran out trying to get one another right away.

Denzel shot off a couple of darts nailing a tall man in a black suit and a charka on his forehead and a spiky redhead in a messy suit. Reno was furious as he attempted to rip the super suctioned dart from his mouth. Tseng watched him amused, "note to self, buy dart gun."

Meanwhile Denzel and Isaac continued their romp down the hallways, Isaac fired off one hitting a large balding man in a suit and a girl with brown hair in a suit. Cissnei helped Rude yank his off the back of his head before removing her own. "Well it's okay Rude, we all love you, you and your lack of hair." 

"Thanks," he grumbled.

Denzel shot at Isaac as they rounded a door and started running through a lab, unfortunately the tile was really slick in there. Denzel slipped as his gun flew out of his hand into the air, it flew in a graceful arc, dart brushing against something fluorescent pink before landing on the other side of the table on the floor. He stood up and grabbed it shooting again. This time his ill aim hit a hunchbacked creepy man with green skin square on the cheek.

Isaac laughed, "missed me!"

Denzel laughed running after Isaac out of the lab. Meanwhile Hojo reached up and pulled off the dart, "lousy damn b…" his body seized up and he fell forward rigid as a brick. The dart glistened slightly with the toxic ooze of the Pink Papalappedapoplopped. However it was just the dart loaded in the launcher that was tipped, none of the other darts or parts of the gun touched it.

**A/N if you caught my Gackt reference then good for you!**


	59. Ooh man down people

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII and I got was this t-shirt.

**A/N Hi everyone! Today was inspired by something out of our founding story One Stroke, by my wonderful friend Bjanik. After all, with a little imagination you can celebrate any sort of campfire. So please welcome to a typical board meeting of Shin-Ra with a not so normal outcome.**

Tseng glanced next to him, blinking once, twice, three times, putting his right fist out. Sephiroth meanwhile put out a flat hand, "paper beats rock." He muttered just loud enough for the Turk to hear him.

The score was fifty to forty-nine in favor of Sephiroth, Tseng gave a barely noticeable twitch and blinked three times again, he threw rock again. Sephiroth threw scissors and the corner of his mouth twitched, the score was tied. "Rock beats scissors," Tseng whispered smirking.

There was a perfectly logical explanation for their behavior, they were in a meeting, and nothing about it concerned them at the moment. Hojo was busy ranting on the success of something to do with glowing parakeets and how it was one of his greatest discoveries of his life.

Finally he stepped away from the podium and sat down next to Sephiroth, the SOLDIER commander watched the scientist for a moment. He twitched seeing something slimy dripping from his hair. Tseng leaned back silently watching the drip slowly dangle off the tip of Hojo's pony tail and hit the floor.

There was a sinister sizzling sound, "that can't be good." Tseng commented quietly to himself as the drop burned a hole through the floor.

Sephiroth nodded, "can't be at all."

Hojo shook his head and sent a few drops landing on Sephiroth's leather coat; it chewed through as though the coat wasn't there at all. "Damn it, this is my favorite coat."

Sephiroth reached behind Hojo in a pretend show of attempting to loosen his shoulder, his fingers just millimeters from Hojo's hair. With one swift movement he created a small flame letting it catch on Hojo's hair before returning his arm to his armrest with a convincing crack.

It took a while for Hojo to figure out he was actually on fire. First Heidegger saw a small wisp of smoke spewing from behind Hojo, and then the wisp grew a little bit thicker. Hair didn't burn the way most things did, as in it didn't get turned to ash, and it just sort of crinkled up charred. But Hojo's hair was slowly turning into a full-fledged fire.

When he finally noticed, the ensuing panic was amusing. "Arg! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Mommy! Waaaaaaaaaaah!" Hojo sprang up and started running around like a chocobo with its head cut off. 

Sephiroth stood up casually, "I'll get the fire extinguisher." He reached over to the wall behind him grabbing it and throwing it at Palmer gently, "oops my hand slipped." It rebounded off of the Space Manger with the force of a bullet slamming into Hojo's nose. Hojo's nose was forced upwards into his brain killing him.

"Ooh man down people," Tseng commented.


	60. Holy Flying Fruitcake Batman!

Disclaimer: I own not Final Fantasy VII or Trinity Blood; I do have my own catapult though.

**A/N Well for those who live in the Northern Hemisphere, including myself, it is wintertime and snow is falling. Which also means hitting the slopes with Bjanik and making snow One Winged Angels (my favorite hobby). But in celebration of winter, I thought of something special, based off of a myth I want to submit to Mythbusters.**

Rufus pulled his scarf up a little looking around the lodge; Reeve was sitting by the fire quietly sipping some steaming hot drink reading a book. It was the annual Executive Vacation Winter Extravaganza, as President Shin-Ra called it. Most of the other executives were out doing things, Reeve was inside with a cold and Rufus was inside returning from bandaging a cut on his finger.

"What are you reading Tuesti?" Rufus asked as he walked over to the couch.

Reeve glanced up, "Medieval Weapons of the World."

"Interesting," Rufus commented looking out the window at the Turks gathered in the field outside. "What are they up to?"

"Tseng said something about Reno bringing his catapult up the mountain and they're shooting stuff off," Reeve replied.

Rufus shrugged heading outside to the collective of Turks around the PVC monstrosity, "what is that?"

Reno stepped forward patting the bawdy flames spray-painted all over the uprights, "this bossman is the HC-IIIX, the greatest weapon the world has ever seen."

"HC-Tres Iqus? Stupid name, what does it do?" Rufus asked examining it.

"That's right, it's the best catapult 20 gil can build." Reno stood proudly by his pride and joy. "Say what've we got left to shoot?"

Rude looked down at the pile, "Hojo's fruit cake."

Rufus examined the packaged container; the thing was brownish, though it glowed more then a SOLDIER's eyes in combat. What looked like bits of various animals and plants had been baked in, it was giving off the smell of something decomposing. The Vice President turned to Tseng, "are you sure this is safe for human exposure? Or any sort of life's exposure?"

The Turk commander shook his head, "no sir, therefore we're attempting to destroy it by any means necessary."

"Ah I see, proceed then," Rufus replied.

Reno hastily chained the fruitcake up to the sling and ran over to the pull cord. He gave it a mighty tug, the arm lifted but the fruitcake was firmly on the ground. He jerked it again falling flat on his posterior, "a little help?!"

Tseng, Rude, and out of pure curiosity Rufus, all walked over to Reno. Rude picked him up as Tseng gave the chain a gentle tug. "That is certainly a dense one."

"Ya think?" Reno rolled his eyes grabbing the rope.

The foursome tugged at the rope as hard as they could, the fruitcake flew into the air and disappeared into the distance. Over the hill Hojo was attempting to recover from slipping as he attempted to stand up on his skis. He glared up at the sky; something small and dark came sailing down from the heavens before there was a loud crash.

The group of four catapulteers ran over the hill to see a large crater, "da-a-amn," Reno commented as he picked up a piece of splintered ski. The crater was at least twenty feet in diameter and ten feet deep, it had a ring of red along the snow line and between the impact burn and ground. The group walked over to the edge of the crater, in the very middle the fruitcake was sitting there on end completely unharmed.

"Da-a-amn," Rufus intoned, flicking his hair with a gloved hand, "those things should come with a warning label."


	61. Sasuke!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Ninja Warrior; I just want to compete on it someday along with Bjanik (you promised).

**A/N Recently I've become obsessed with Sasuke, no not Uchiha (I'm more of an Itachi fangirl) but the show. It's known as Ninja Warrior in most other places, the show about the world's toughest obstacle course. All the main characters of FFVII, with some obvious exceptions, would pass with flying colors. But the Shin-Ra staff is required to compete on a physical fitness course. I'll leave the rest to you.**

Zack watched as one of his favorite cadets, a kid named Cloud, bound up to the buzzer and smack it looking embarrassed at the attention he was getting. "Way to go Cloudy-boy!" Zack called at the cadet.

It was the annual Shin-Ra physical fitness exams for the Scientific and Defensive branches. It was a series of obstacles designed to test speed, strength, and agility, you only needed to get to the end of the first set of obstacles to clear the Physical Exam but if you did you had the option of going on to further stages. Only two people had ever cleared the complete four-stage course, Sephiroth, of course, being the first one to do it every tournament, with Angeal Hewley being the only other person able to clear.

Zack and Sephiroth had already made their runs on the course making it look easy. Now they were watching the rest of the employees take on the course, up after Cloud was Reno. Zack nearly had a hernia when Reno timed out on the course, he'd come out in nothing but shorts and he was showing off. Eventually he made it to the Warped Wall and only had five seconds on the clock and timed out.

Rude and Tseng made their runs after that, both clearing calmly despite the cheering of the crowd. Some more recruits took on the course after that ended up in the water laughing, after that was a pair of scientists, Aaron and Jenkins. Aaron got to the Warped Wall but couldn't get over it, Jenkins on the other hand managed to clear with a fraction of a second to spare.

"Up next is Professor Hojo after our lunch break!" President Shin-Ra called as everyone dispersed for lunch.

Zack and Sephiroth made their way down to go get some lunch; they ended up sharing a table with Cloud, Aaron and Jenkins, "nice job guys!" Zack called clapping Cloud on the back. "Aaron was it? Work on the Warped Wall it's a pain in the ass."

Aaron nodded, "yes but did you hear whose next after lunch?"

Sephiroth nodded silently, "yes, Hojo…"

"We can't let him clear!" Jenkins announced sipping at his Crocodileade disgruntled.

Zack smiled, "vengeful much? Well I don't think he'll get very far trust me."

They enjoyed the rest of their meal talking about SOLDIER and other interesting things until the Exam was called back to order. The five made their way back into the seats eagerly anticipating the next contestant to go.

Hojo stepped onto the starting line dressed in his lab coat and a pair of boxers with little alien heads printed on them. The starting bell sounded and Hojo took off, somehow managing to clear the Pyramid Jump and the Rolling Log. He had to face the Crooked Wall next, he ran up and his foot caught on the railing of the Wall as he reached out for the rope. Flipping in the air he landed on the ground headfirst before his limp body slid into the water.

"See what'd I tell ya?" Zack grinned.

Aaron and Jenkins both sighed pulling out their wallets and handing Cloud fifty gil apiece. "You were right…"

Cloud smiled, "I made a bet before you came."

Zack blinked before laughing, "atta Cloud!" He ruffled Cloud's hair.


	62. Snakes why did it have to be snakes

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Indiana Jones. And for the record, no snakes we harmed in the making of this Hojo death.

**A/N "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Hojo dies tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Hojo dies tonight. Hush my darling, don't fear my darling, the Hojo dies tonight…" Sorry couldn't resist. But it will be in the Jungle where he dies tonight.**

Hojo sighed; the whippersnappers were getting out of sight as they were exploring the ruins. He huffed and wheezed in the humid environment, "wait!"

Aaron turned around grinning, "aww come on Professor!" As if to prove a point he and his cohort Jenkins ran up the temple stairs, all 1251.5 of them.

The group was investigating a new temple that could be connected with the Ancients somewhere near Mideel. It had been a rather unpleasant trip; Hojo's airsickness interfered with his planning and scheming. He ended up removing every emergency regurgitation container from the airship. What was more, the humidity was making his ears sweat, though that was probably the chile sandwich he'd had for lunch.

Hojo climbed his way up, using the method of people climbing on the mountains of the Northern Continent, step, gasp, gasp, step, gasp, gasp but about halfway the old structure gave out and he plummeted into the darkness below. He looked up at the hole; Aaron and Jenkins were standing there.

"Well don't just stand there you fatuous imbeciles, throw me a rope!" Hojo roared. He'd landed on a rather soft somewhat squishy floor in a room below.

Aaron shrugged, "no rope."

"What do mean there's no rope?!" Hojo bellowed.

Jenkins also shrugged, "they didn't give us any."

"What do you mean they didn't give you any?!" Hojo was furious now, and completely oblivious to the floor moving.

"They said something about a budget cut," Aaron called.

Hojo's eye twitched, "b-budget cut?" he spat through grit teeth.

"Yeah they said they were cutting our equipment fund," Jenkins answered.

Hojo was still oblivious to the growing rattling of the room and general movement of the room, "why?"

The pair shrugged, "Dunno, when we asked about it they said the Scientific Budget was reallocated to the Space Department."

Hojo was now fuming, "damn that fat degenerate." He muttered before returning his attention to Aaron and Jenkins, "you two get me a vine!"

They nodded, "coming right up." The pair of heads disappeared.

Hojo glared around the room, the light from the hole was so dim he couldn't see anything. Pulling out a box of matches he lit one up, all around him were snakes, hundreds of venom packing snakes. "Snakes, why did it have to be snakes?" He whimpered feeling his pants get wet.

One of the snakes slithered up and wrapped its tail around the match smirking as the flame went out.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Outside Aaron and Jenkins were looking at a nearby cave, both with a length of rope tied around them, "ready to go spelunking?"

"Oh yes," Jenkins answered as they leaped off.


	63. Someone has too much free time

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, and I want some chocolate too.

**A/N Urg… paper, lots and lots of paper. My dear sweet mother dragged me kicking and screaming to go shopping for presents. And I am annoyed about it, but I got awesome Chinese Zodiac necklaces for all my friends, except for you Bjanik. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink)**

Reno glanced around the large item at Rude and gave him an apologetic look, "sorry." He mouthed.

Rude shook his head but understood why he was apologizing, "no problem," he mouthed.

For the last three hours they'd been moving a rather large item all over Hojo's apartment in a forced decision by the Professor. The item in question was a large origami tree of little origami Hojo, and the tree was in the shape of Hojo. Who in their right mind would sit around for potential years on end and make origami Hojo was beyond the Turks.

Reno sighed looking over at Hojo setting the paper monster down, "Is this good yo?"

Hojo shook his head, "no a little more to the left. I want to be able to see my hansom paper face."

Rude grunted as they picked up the paper tree again and moved to the left before they set it down, "here?"

"No you buffoons that's too far to the left, I want it more to the right," Hojo snapped.

Reno grumbled something that sounded like, "bastard, move it yourself yo." 

Rude shook his head as they moved back to where they had been five minutes ago setting the tree down, "here?"

"No more to the left, you can't see my self portrait," Hojo leaned around smiling at the picture.

Reno and Rude lifted up the tree and moved it again, Reno was becoming progressively more annoyed about the situation, and he glared at Hojo dropping the tree and setting it rattling, "move it yourself!"

"Turk, you want to be fired?!" Hojo snapped venomously.

Reno glared at him pulling off one of the paper Hojo origami figures and ripping it to shreds, "better fired then spending another minute putting up with your pompous ass!"

Hojo was now furious, "I am an Executive! You have no choice as to your life! I am you're lord and master!"

Reno spun around picking up his foot in a spinning hook kick right into the tree sending it toppling onto Hojo. The little sharp points and edges took their bloody toll as they gave him paper cut after paper cut. Rude bent down and picked one of them up, "paper cut, hmm…"

"Whacha thinkin' Rude?" Reno asked as they walked out of the room.

"Nothing…" Rude shook his head.


	64. Roombas Revenge and Donuts

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII and I really want chocolate right now. Also I am so sorry whoever invented Roombas.

**A/N My mom pointed out to me today that I've never had Hojo shot. Well I'm basing this off of a scene I wrote for NaNoWriMo, I just changed the person acting insane from my OC bad guy to Hojo. It's Disc 2 when the party fights Hojo at the end.**

Vincent sighed walking up to the control panel of the Sister Ray mako cannon, Hojo looked pretty preoccupied on the chair to the former Turk. He felt his stomach growl and sighed, he hadn't eaten since the day before yesterday, even then it was just a few bites of crackers, and now his body was having its revenge. He checked his pockets desperate for something to eat, his fingers closed around a bar of chocolate.

He pulled it out unwrapping it carefully and took off the corner rectangle chewing it gratefully swallowing. He continued on eating while he waited for the rest of the team, he finished his chocolate and dropped the wrapper. The moment it touched down the scientist stood up.

"YOU HOW DARE YOU DESICRATE THE INSTRUMENT OF MY ULTIMATE GLORY WITH YOUR… YOUR… _TRASH_!" Hojo roared as he stormed over to Vincent pulling a toothpick out of his mouth and bending over to poke the wrapper with it before shoving it under Vincent's nose. "Do you see this Valentine?! Do you?! THIS WAS MY LAST 100 ALL NATURAL WAX COATED MINT FLAVORED NIBEL PINE TOOTHPICK! AND YOU, YOU AND… AND YOUR _TRASH_… HAVE DEFILED IT! NOW I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STERILIZE THIS PLACE AGAIN! ROOMBAS ATTACK!"

Vincent, finally coming to his senses, watched as out from under the control panel a group of small circular robots dressed in miniature maid outfits with mounted full sized machine guns on them. He put his hand to his gun holster feeling the cold butt of Quicksilver against his hand. The little robots rolled up to the candy wrapper and started shooting it, though they didn't have very good aim. Vincent leaped out of the way shooting at the robots, "this was my only cloak…" he grumbled as he shot them.

Hojo looked up crazed at him, "YOU DEFILE MY WORK AND DESTROY MY MOST PRIZED POSESSIONS AFTER JENOVA?! YOU WILL PAY!"

Vincent shook his head; in one fluid movement he'd pulled the trigger and ended Hojo's ranting cold. Hojo's body fell over, a bullet through the heart was all it took. He landed on the ground silently, "Hojo… rest in peace…" he turned to walk to the stairs when Cloud and everyone else came charging up the stairs. He remained silent for a moment, "where were you?"

Cloud held up a box of Dropin' Donuts, "we were hungry but when we wanted to ask if you wanted something to eat you were gone."

"… So you bought donuts…." Vincent shook his head annoyed. He silently walked past the group and started down the stairs.

Cloud shrugged at everyone else and followed.


	65. Up up and away!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Z-Coils. And especially not the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

**A/N My apologies for not posting yesterday, the snow knocked out my Internet and when it came back I had to leave and didn't get home until 1:30 in the morning. A while back my mom bought these special shoes called Z-Coils; they have springs in the heel and are supposedly good for your feet. Now she wears them all the time. Let's see what happens when Hojo tries them.**

"Well any questions?" President Shin-Ra asked as he watched Hojo at the podium for the staff meeting. Hojo was bouncing happily on his new Q-Coil orthopedic shoes watching the assembly annoyed. He hated questions and it cut into his experiment time.

"Yes Mr. Tuesti," Hojo glared at he head of Urban Development annoyed.

"I was wondering how this new project will affect the people in the outlying cities near the test area," Reeve asked.

However before Hojo could answer the fire alarm sounded blaring it's high-pitched wail at the top of its electronic lungs. "WHY NOW?!" Hojo roared springing over to the door to the fire stairs.

The rest of the Executives trailed after him into the stairs, Tseng was several floors below before shouting, "this isn't a drill, something in the lab exploded and the building caught fire!"

Hojo, thinking it had been a simple drill, had been making his way down the stairs carefully. His shoes, which were springy dress shoes, had come with a warning label that read: "Warning: These are spring loaded shoes. This means the shoes have springs in them. They are springy. They will make you move with spring in your step. This means if you are not someone who likes a spring in their step then don't wear them. Therefore if you do decide to wear them, then there are certain places you should not wear them. This includes slopes, sand dunes, snow covered areas, laboratories with electrical cords, stairs, and Gackt concerts. These shoes are not normal; of course we will be restoring normality just as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway.

Dear customer #3939000,

We would like to apologize; our Infinite Impossibly Slim Drive was malfunctioning when we made them. Therefore they are defective. Please adhere strictly to the warning label and you should be relatively fine as long as it is a Tuesday."

Unfortunately for Hojo there were three things wrong, one, he hadn't read the Warning label and instead threw it away, two, he wore them in the lab constantly, three and worst of all, it was Wednesday. Also as a fourth thing he was running down a stairwell at high speed. He turned the corner for the next flight of stairs and slammed the spring-loaded heel of his Q-Coil into the cement stair. As soon as he put his foot down he shot off into the previous flight of stairs like a rocket and slammed his head into them. At which point gravity kicked in and he ended up rolling down 65 flights of stairs to the ground floor.

Fortunately the fire in the lab was small and easily put out within five minutes after Hojo's end.


	66. Hit and Run

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or a snowboard; the cost of rental is all I can do.

**A/N Like I said earlier I apologize for not posting yesterday, here's today's. It involves one of my favorite crystallized water based sports. And I'd like to welcome back the Turks, in particular the spiky redhead Reno.**

Tseng, Rude, Reno, and Elena looked up at the lift; Reno and Rude slid forward, Rude clipped securely onto skis and Reno sliding forward on his new snowboard. The pair slid forward and sat down on the lift chair heading up the mountain.

"This is gonna be wicked!" Reno shouted behind him at where Tseng and Elena were sitting comfortably on the lift chair after theirs.

Rude shook his head looking down at the run below them, people were sliding down the mountain, some successfully, others not so. They'd just been released from their job for the vacation; the Executives and the Turks were taking a much-needed vacation at Icicle Inn. Tseng was released from the hospital with a clean bill of health, so it was cause enough for the Turks to celebrate.

Reno and Rude prepared to disembark, Rude slid off of the lift casually, while Reno toppled over several times sliding off of the dismount area. Tseng and Elena followed, both far more graceful then the redhead, even though Elena too was strapped into a snowboard. "Reno you okay?" Elena called; the other Turk's head was stuck in a snow bank.

One gloved hand gave a thumbs up as Reno pulled his head out of the snow shaking out his mane. "We're good!"

Tseng and Rude both sighed, all four looked down the Terrain run expectantly, Reno stood up and let out a whoop as they started their run down the mountain. Rude and Tseng calmly took the lead until Reno flew past them starting to grid up a rail going to a 540 tailspin sticking his tongue out. Elena pulled to a stop and waited to take a picture. He was so focused on his in air combo that he forgot to watch his landing and he was clothes lined by a tree. His face as he fell was what Elena took a picture of; she giggled and started carving down the mountain followed by Rude and Tseng.

A few minutes later Reno sat up and shook the snow out of his face, he discovered his friends had ditched him. Grumbling he sailed down the mountain with a blatten disregard for anyone's safety, he had a newer model of board with a metallic edge to it. He came up to one of the jumps where the Terrain path crossed the Bunny Slope; he took it head on going into a full Indy.

As Reno took the jump, there was someone attempting to head down the Bunny Slope, Hojo was trying to recover from a fall. "Of all the stupid absurd things I could be doing… why this?!" He roared before the nose of Reno's board came out of nowhere and slammed him full in the face breaking Hojo's nose and jaw. The impact deflected his neck 125 degrees breaking it and sending a gush of blood onto Reno's board. Reno took no notices as he carved and shredded his way over to the last half of the trail and skidded into base camp.

Elena waved at him, "hey Reno there's a hole in your board!"

He looked down at it, "this was my new board too dammit!" Sure enough there was a giant acid burn of a hole where his stomp pad was.


	67. Jelly anyone?

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII; it would be my anti drug if I weren't addicted to Disney.

**A/N I just saw National Treasure Book of Secrets, good movie but the pre movie short was a riot. It was Goofy attempting to set up a home theater, and it was a hoot. Needless to say you know where my mind jumped. So now with the help of a lot of the Turks, Hojo's new home theater system! Oh if you forgot whom the Turks are check "Keep Your Eye on the Sky".**

Tseng was in an extremely foul mood, despite keeping it hidden behind the stern mask of his face. He and most of his department were all assembled in Hojo's apartment. Reno, Rude, Cissnei, Jessica, Emily, Victor, and himself had been gathered to install the system. Or so Hojo had said, "Did I understand you correctly, sir, that we are to aid in the installation of your new theater?"

"No I wanted to have tea and biscuits, of course you're hear as my slaves… I mean assistants," Hojo retorted.

Tseng glared at him for a moment before nodding to his subordinates, "alright then we'll get started."

Cissnei sighed as she and Jessica started to unwind the nearly four hundred yards of cord, Reno, Rude, Victor and Tseng were dealing with the heavy lifting, and Emily was furiously trying to translate the directions. While the Turks struggled with the setup of the new equipment, Hojo was calmly sipping a cup of pitch-black coffee with several dozen brown sugar cubes having turned it into a semi-solid.

Reno shook his head in disgust motioning to Victor with his head, they sat their sub-subwoofer on the ground before pretending to set up the cables, "this is insane yo," Reno muttered.

Victor nodded, "tell me about it."

"We gotta do something, this is gonna kill me," Reno muttered groaning.

"We will, you ever heard of the brown note?" Victor replied.

Emily walked over hearing them talking, "yeah it's supposed to be a note that makes your colon resonate until you lose all bladder control."

Reno got an impish grin, "I see where this is going."

Victor shook his head, "I'm not finished yet, supposedly if you go slightly higher then the brown note then the resonance will disrupt your body and you'll explode."

Reno stared at the brown haired Turk, "where d'ya learn this yo?!"

Victor shrugged, "Internet."

Within a few hours the Turks had relayed their plan to one another and finished setting up the TV, the front speaker, the left speaker, the right speaker, the slightly more to the left speaker, the slightly more to the right speaker, the surround sound, the ambient surround sound, the subwoofer, the sub-subwoofer, and the subwoofer-woofer. Tseng nodded to Hojo, "well then call us if there are any problems."

The Turks quickly evacuated the room pulling on earplugs as they exited; Jessica was all smiles, "so then are we ready to give this a try?"

Cissnei nodded, "ready when you are!"

Tseng watched closely, "Rude, Victor, is he in position?"

The pair nodded, "yeah ready when we are."

Reno handed the remote to Emily, "ladies first yo."

"When have you ever been chivalrous?" She laughed pressing the button.

Hojo was settled into his large cushy leather chair fingering the remote happily as he prepared to channel surf. All at ones the subwoofer, sub-subwoofer, and the subwoofer-woofer roared to life blaring a very low note. The scientist felt like he was jelly as he felt the note reverberate through him, thirty seconds later, he was just that, acid flavored jelly.


	68. Twas the Night Before New Year

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the Night Before Christmas

**A/N I'm normally not much of a poet but this was begging me to do it. After all who doesn't love Hojo death as a present? So please forgive any grammar errors tonight, I have a tendency not to pay attention to it when writing poetry. And sorry about the OOCnees I needed a rhyme scheme and it's kind of amusing. I'm not sure if this is in Iambic Quadrameter but it fit the rhyme scheme. Oh and I decided not to go with Christmas for the sake of as much canon as possible.  
**

'Twas the night before New Year, when all through the Company

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Tonberry

The materia was hung on the tree with care

In hopes that Bahamut's blessings soon would be there.

Sephiroth was tucked all snug in his bed

As visions of fighting danced through his head

And Commander Tseng in his study, perusing through his journal

Had just settled in for a night's reprival

When from the lab there arose such a racket

That Sephiroth jumping up so quickly nearly forgot his jacket

Away to the lab he ran like a flash

Turning the corner he met Zack Fair in a crash

The pair ran to the elevator's gleaming light

So that they entered the lab and gave Hojo a fright

When what in the world did their eyes see?

But Hojo hanging Jenova's head from his tree

The scientist turned to face the motley crew

His face a putrid chartreuse hue

Hojo's voice rose above the clamor

As he summoned experiments of great repertoire

"On Bunsen, on Burner, on Petri, and Dish,

Come one and come all, stop Sephiroth's wish

To kill me and throw me in the hall,

Now EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, and EXTERMINATE all!"

Such a horrible sight to their eyes did meet

That the duo turned and made a retreat

And to the armory with all haste they flew

Hopefully Sephiroth would think of something to do

The madman laughed and continued his attack

While the SOLDIERs prepared to counter back

Sephiroth looked at the situation

And decided he needed a different vocation.

Then the evil creatures, with Hojo in tow

Neared the swordsmen to try and defeat their hated foe

"One moment!" cried Sephiroth, "Just one moment please!"

To which Hojo replied "down on your knees!"

"But don't you see", continued Zack, "This is all wrong"

To which the scientist answered "Yes, but not for long"

"I surrender! I surrender!" they cried most adamant

To which Hojo in a cackle replied "Excellent"

As he scoffed at their words and closed in on his prey

The villain savored his doom and victory that day

"I'll waste no time," Hojo said, "But I'll destroy you with glee

And I will wed Jenova, hurray for me!"

Sephiroth wasn't worried or anxious about his fate

He swung at Hojo and not a minute too late

"For you Hojo, the victory will be quite sour

For you have sealed your own doom within the hour!

For you see I have experience of setting up traps

And along with various things I have kept under wraps

And if that is not enough to destroy your little coup

I can just bring in some executives from Square Enix too

They are more fierce then the greatest evil mind

For they are can instantly obliterate you and all of your kind"

Hojo's head fell with a curious look on his face

And, the look he portrayed was completely in place.

Zack turned to looked at his commander

"Why are we speaking in iambic quadrameter?"

Sephiroth shrugged wiping his sword with distaste

"Why do you think we're here in this place?

The author demanded we go and we fight

So happy holidays to all, and to all a good night!"

**A/N Happy Holidays everyone!**


	69. Adding turkeys to oil is not good

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII and I am scared of turkeys.

**A/N I swear this works. So please make sure to thaw your turkey, chicken, goose, duck, or other poultry. Ladies and gentlemen a nice holiday dinner with Lucrecia, Gast, Vincent and some food.**

Vincent sighed as he struggled to open the door, "can someone give me a hand?!"

Lucrecia laughed opening the door, "you really are hopeless aren't you?"

He flushed biting his lower lip, she smiled opening the door, and he slid through walking towards the kitchen to be rid of the groceries. He set them down looking at the snow falling gently out the window; it was very pretty to watch. Lucrecia entered the room smiling and watching Vincent, "don't you have some cooking to do?"

Vincent spun around blushing again, "oh right…"

She laughed a little and walked out of the room, she came back a few minutes later with Gast and Hojo, "oh Mr. Bodyguard, if you space out like that then something could happen and you would never know!"

Vincent jumped so badly he thought he swore his heart skipped a beat, "oh sorry." He started fumbling with the ingredients and hastily began to start cooking. He set the turkey in the sink as he pulled out a cutting board and chopped up some vegetables.

Gast looked at Hojo, "we need someone to do the turkey while Mr. Valentine does everything else."

Hojo grumbled, "alright then, one."

"Two," Gast picked up his hand.

"Three!" They both shouted throwing their hands in the air. Hojo threw scissors while Gast calmly threw rock.

"Best two out of three," Hojo grumbled, so they went again to meet the exact same result.

Gast smiled, "go cook the bird."

Hojo stood up grumbling, "why is it he always wins…" he walked out of the room slamming the door behind him.

Gast started chuckling as his assistant left the room, "you'd think he'd learn to throw something other then scissors."

Lucrecia giggled a little and Vincent let out a soft snort of laughter at the statement as they continued to set about getting ready for dinner.

Outside Hojo was setting up a frying pot to fry their turkey; it had been heating up for several minutes now and was bubbling sinisterly. Grunting with the effort of picking it up he glared at the burning pot before dropping the bird in sending hot oil everywhere. It splashed out and hit him in the face; he clutched his face before the turkey exploded. For it was not a thawed turkey, it was a frozen turkey, Vincent had put it in the sink to let it thaw out. And the sub thirty-two degrees bird super heated so rapidly that it exploded. Hojo keeled over with bits of bones sticking out of his face.

Gast looked out the window at the commotion outside, "anyone up for pasta?"


	70. Warning Labels Should not be Ignored

Disclaimer: I own not lava lamps or Final Fantasy VII.

**A/N Hi everyone! I've been watching a lot of Mythbusters today, so what's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? Give up, Arrrrrrrr! Sorry couldn't resist, anyway I was thinking, not all of these need a cause, after all like chapter 5, if you are stupid enough to do something that can kill you then… anyway, a little Aaron and Jenkins at the beginning.**

Aaron looked up at Hojo wincing, "what do you mean we don't get the funding?"

"Simple, you are asking for money, I am not giving it," Hojo replied handing Aaron the paper back; he'd just ripped it in two neatly.

Aaron was shaking, Jenkins put his hand on his friend's shoulder, "come on man, it's no big deal, we've still got some money left. Oh and Professor, this is for you," he set a brightly wrapped package on the table.

Hojo glared at him, "this isn't another one of your shenanigans is it?"

Jenkins shook his head, "nah I'm on the honest path now. Open it."

Hojo carefully unwrapped the paper into a single sheet moving the underlying box away; he folded the paper and put it in the trash. He pulled the box back over pulling out a clear bottle with blue liquid and a green stick in it. He set it down and pulled out an hourglass shaped lamp with an extension cord trailing out of it, and a little cup shaped device. "What is it?"

Aaron, having calmed down, smiled, "lava lamp, if you heat up the wax in the bottle until it melts then put it over the light in the base it gets the wax gelatinized and it floats."

"Hmm…" Hojo thought for a moment, "gentlemen I expect you back to work right away." With that he packed up his lava lamp and walked out of the room.

A few minutes later Hojo was back in his apartment with his new lava lamp, he set the components down on a table pulling out the instructions. He glared at the lamp components and started to read the directions out loud. "Groovy dude, you have totally gotten your new lava lamp, if you're reading this then you must be a total drag. Anyway, enough yapping you're too ready to see your psychedelic lamp get all tripy. First you gotta make the stick go adios, so put the plug in the wall and the lamp on top then in no time at all you'll be the grooviest dude or chick on the block."

Hojo chucked the manual in the garbage as well; he picked up the glass container with the wax in it. His free hand plugged in the base and he set the glass down on the base waiting for the wax to melt. He put the cone top on the lamp and sat there waiting for the supposed show to start up. Three hours later and nothing had happened and Hojo was getting frustrated, it was obviously a dud. He decided to try one more thing before he gave up and sacked Aaron and Jenkins, he walked over to the stove and turned it on. He grabbed the cold glass of the lamp and put it on the stove and walked away feeling nature calling. Five minutes later he walked out of the bathroom into the kitchen before there was an explosion. Glass shrapnel went everywhere, a large nasty chunk stabbed Hojo through the heart while several others hit him elsewhere. While he was gone the pressure in the bottle had sky rocketed and turned it into a weapon.


	71. Justice Prevails!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII. And I borrowed the concept of sea salt ice cream from Kingdom Hearts. And I threw in some Furuba fun too.

**A/N I can't wait for summer! I get to go to London for a week, and it's gonna be awesome! After all I have a plan to turn it into the best week of my life. Provided certain things happen but I have faith she can make them happen! Anyway onto today's Hojo killing, summer made me think Costa del Sol, and we all remember the ikkyness of Hojo defiling that beach. So without further ado, Aerith, Nanaki and Tifa!**

Aerith and Tifa walked along the boardwalk, both had a bar of sea salt ice cream and they were having a good time on their vacation. "So then did you ever have any pets?" Aerith asked looking at Tifa smiling.

"I had a cat, but by the time I moved to Midgar…" Tifa replied watching her melting ice cream dripping onto her hand, not realizing it was doing so.

"Still you got to have a pet, that's pretty cool," Aerith smiled at her, "and you might want to clean that up." She pointed at the ice cream melting in Tifa's hand, handing her a paper towel.

Tifa smiled, "thanks," she wiped her hand off taking another bite of what was left of her ice cream. "So it sounds like you didn't…" she trailed off tensing as a voice drifted up from the beach on their right from behind a parasol.

"Haven't you ever had the feeling someone was calling you, or that you've ever had to visit some place?" An all too familiar voice came from the beach.

"I'll go anywhere Sephiroth is at! To beat him and end all this!" Came the familiar voice of Cloud.

Tifa clenched her fist, she wanted to pay Hojo back so badly for what happened the lab with Aerith and Nanaki. Aerith looked at Tifa's shaking hand, "Tif you okay?"

"It's nothing," she muttered smiling at Aerith, however her other hand had clenched the pop sickle stick to splinters. "Er… It's just what Hojo tried to do makes me sick to my stomach, but I have an idea."

A few minutes later they'd come across a soccer ball and Nanaki gently swatting it with his tail. He was asleep and flicked the ball away towards Aerith; her extendible staff swung down and slammed it into the soccer ball. It flew towards Tifa, she let it ride up on her foot before kicking it into the air, and then she spun around kicking it as hard as she could towards Hojo.

He was about ten yards away strolling down the boardwalk, the ball slammed into his face sending him flying over the beach and into the ocean. He splashed down into the water sending up a small geyser of salt water on his impact. He floated there for a minute dazed by the impact, he saw something blue and white floating towards him. He giggled stupidly, "ehehe, its Jenova's head! How I missed you sweetie!" He reached out and started petting it, however it wasn't Jenova's head he was petting. It was the rare, endangered Blue Kyonkichi Jellyfish, and it sent out its stingers into Hojo's hand. The scientist stopped floating and sank within thirty seconds.

Back on dry land, Aerith and Tifa were smiling out at the ocean when Cloud came over, Nanaki stood up to join him. Cloud looked down at the flame-tailed wolf, "what's gotten into those two?"

Nanaki shrugged, "justice prevails."

"When did that happen?" Cloud asked confused.

Nanaki sighed, "I do not understand your human ways at all."


	72. Proposed Acceptance

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, or the concept of French cooking. And Cool Runnings is an awesome movie.

**A/N In celebration of certain events, I would like to dedicate another death to the most wonderful person. I love you, so without further ado, Gast, Lucrecia and Turk Vincent make a triumphant return.** **Though it's the last thing you would expect to happen.**

Lucrecia pulled Vincent down the street, "you're taking too long, come on!"

Vincent had a blush creeping up his face not responding as she pulled him into the restaurant. Gast laughed, he saw Hojo with a completely disgusted look on and clapped him on the shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing… I just hate those two. It's so disgusting, why do we have to come?" Hojo grumbled as they neared the restaurant.

"Because they invited us, so try and cheer up," Gast replied as they went inside.

They sat down at a table and ordered some drinks Gast looked across the table to Vincent and Lucrecia, "so you two had something you wanted to say?"

"After the food arrives," Vincent replied smiling at Lucrecia.

Hojo grumbled something, "I can't decide whose worse, the woman or the Turk…"

The waiter walked over, "may I take your order?"

"We'll have the stuffed crepes please," Lucrecia ordered calmly.

"The spinach onion quiche please," Gast handed the waiter his menu.

"Escargot," Hojo grunted flinging his menu aside.

The foursome sat around not really doing much, Hojo had wandered into the bathroom, and stayed there until their food arrived. Gast, Lucrecia and Vincent sat around talking when the waiter carried out a trey with their food. He passed out the plates and a few minutes later Hojo wandered back over to their table grabbing a snail and crunching it shell and all watching everyone.

Vincent waited until he and Lucrecia finished, he stood up before taking her hand in his and reaching into his pocket. "Lucrecia Crescent, will you marry me?" He pulled out a small ring in a black velvet box looking up at her hopefully.

Gast smiled, Lucrecia smiled, "I accept."

Hojo stood up in an outrage forgetting he had a mouthful of snail, "I Oack-ack-ack-ack!" He started to say something but his voice stopped, he writhed around on the floor for a moment like a drunken dragon waking up from a hangover and rolled under the table. The retching continued for several minutes before dying out, Lucrecia and Vincent were staring at the place where he had been standing.

Gast realizing they needed a cover up, "I'm sure he's happy for you, he does that every time he gets excited. He gets so hyper he swallows his tongue." He put on a sheepish grin and waved at the table next to them.

Vincent sighed, "way to kill the mood."

"Too true," Lucrecia sighed before kissing Vincent on the cheek as he slid the ring onto her finger.

Gast leaned under the table pulling up the cloth a little, "Hojo you dead?"

There was no response but he made one up, "ya man."


	73. If you Want to Lock Yourself out

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Mission: Impossible.

**A/N Have you ever found yourself doing something and then get a sudden wave of nostalgia? I'll save that for tomorrow since it's bothering me, after all once a pirate always a pirate they say. Well onto the matter at hand of Hojo, my mom is desperate for Scarlet, so with a grudging heart, Scarlet.**

Hojo walked over to the door of his office putting his hand on the handle to open door, feeling it barely move he remembered he locked it. "Peachy, now where did I put my keys." He opened up his pocket and felt around for his keys, only coming across a paper clip, some yarn and a crochet hook. He searched his other pockets and shoes only coming up with thrice laundered napkins hardened in the corners.

"Wonderful," he muttered looking at the door. He stepped back and picked up his foot kicking it as hard as he could. All this did was send Hojo sprawling onto his back in the hallway he stood up grumbling. He glared at the window; maybe if he broke the window then he could open the door from the inside. Clenching his hand into a fist with his thumb on the inside he swung as hard as he could at the pain.

"YEOW!" Hojo leaped back howling, all that had done was broken his thumb. He should have known not to put his thumb on the inside of his fist. He blinked away the tears and looked inside the solid pane of glass. Sitting there on his desk, glinting mockingly in the sunlight, were his keys.

He bashed his head against the wall at his stupidity before pacing up and down the hall. His brain hatched an ingenious plan that he felt like ranting to the empty area, "it's brilliant! First I'll go into the bathroom and climb into the ventilation system. From there I'll crawl through the vents to the one over my office and climb into it from above. Then I'll grab my keys, climb back in the vent and exit in the bathroom. Finally I'll walk back to my office unlock the door and go in! Only a genius of my caliber could come up with this plan!"

With that he took off running down the hall, as the door to his office swung open unnoticed. He ran through the halls to the bathroom and slammed the door shut to the stall under the vent. He put one foot on the toilet bowl and the other on the U-bend as he reached up and pulled off the vent cover. Somehow using his anti-muscular body he climbed into the vent and crawled off in search of the way to his office. It was a straight shot until he reached a fork in the road.

"I think it's right," he turned away to the right down the wrong path. A moment later he looked down the grate seeing a desk and something shiny on it. He pushed off the grate and pulled out the paper clip hooking it onto his belt and tied the string to the place where the hole for the screw in the grate was. With that done he lowered himself into the office, using nothing but the string. However the string couldn't tolerate his weight and it snapped with a twang dropping Hojo like a lead balloon.

He fell from the ceiling and died with something sticking out of his chest. Scarlet raised an eyebrow looking at Hojo's dead body; he'd just fallen on her new stiletto heel dagger. She'd put them on the desk to test out whether the knife would come out, she looked up at Dean. "I like them, now do me a favor and make me three more pairs, we'll have the budget for them now."


	74. Er Someone Mention

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII or Pirates of Penzance.

**A/N So what I was saying about pirates yesterday, I've found myself listening to the Pirates of Penzance music again. It was the first and last time I preformed on stage as an actor, and the first time my hair started falling out from stress. But it ties into today's death because today has to do with things that make no sense! **

Hojo looked over at the island coming up in front of them, before leaning over the edge of the ship and throwing up. It fell to the water below and watched the water turn black as they sped away from the spot. He hated boats, he hated Mondays, and most of all he hated being on a boat on a Monday. "Why am I here?"

"Because you were heading out to a discovery site that can't be reached by nothing but a boat," Aaron replied walking by holding a Golden Choco cocktail.

Hojo paled and leaned over the railing throwing up again.

Aaron laughed taking a sip of it, "cheer up Prof, when we get to land you can curl up on terra firma."

Hojo didn't replied and just kept his head down, Jenkins and Kelly showed up, "he'll be fine."

"Yeah I bet it was the Costa del Sol cuisine," Kelly smiled agreeing.

Hojo groaned as the island came in sight, they dropped anchor at the lone dock and lowered the plank. He staggered off as they docked running and falling over into the sand. This left Aaron and Jenkins in a foul mood, "great now we have to do all the heavy lifting."

Hojo grinned as a crab walked up to him, "You would make a fine experiment you know. You look like Jenova's head."

The crab glared at him with intense dislike, raising one barbed claw it clamped down on Hojo's nose as hard as it could. He stood up yelping and running around with the crab dangling off of his nose and he took off screaming down the beach. "Jenova help me!"

While he was running he tripped, his glasses flew into the air and landed on a nearby rock neatly. They were perfectly aligned to the sun; Hojo meanwhile had slammed into the rock and been knocked unconscious. A beam of concentrated light was falling from his glasses onto his lab coat, within a few minutes had a small burn that was turning into flame. Five minutes later and his lab coat was; engulfed in flame.

Down the beach Kelly looked down the beach, "you guys smell barbecue?"

Aaron took a sniff of the air, "yeah I do."

Jenkins noticed some smoke, "this way guys."

They ran down the beach towards where the smoke was originating from, only to find a charred body lying unrecognizable on the beach. Kelly looked at the other two giving a half-hearted giggle, "uh, did the report say anything about cannibals?"

Aaron and Jenkins felt a glooming sense of dread come on, "yeah… it did…"

Jenkins glanced between them, "Costa Del Sol?"

"You know it," Kelly replied as they ran for the boat. "Run!"


	75. No No the Big One

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring.

**A/N Today is special because to celebrate the New Year I've decided to post this at 11:59 pm Mountain Standard time. The last Hojo death of 2007, I feel kinda sad. After all this was my big project for the year, my mom said that if I hadn't taken November off then I would be done. I say let's bring in the New Year Hojo style!**

Hojo looked out over Midgar, he squatted down looking at the little colorful string and a lighter. He flicked the lighter wheel a few times before he got a flame; he touched it to the string and set it on the roof. It fizzled making a popping noise, the snake sparkler continued to jump around until it turned into a charred black string. He pulled out another one and started it on its inevitable fizzle of death.

A group of Shin-Ra Executives had come up to the roof to set off a bunch of fireworks to celebrate the New Year. Lazard, Sephiroth and Angeal happily set off some Ancient Junon Candles while Rufus was busy with some Bottle Rockets and Cherry Bombs. Tseng had stopped Reno making Molotov Cocktails and touching any of the explosives. Rude meanwhile was setting of some ordinary Dragon's Eye Rockets over the city.

Reno looked over at Rude and smirked, "go grab one."

Rude grudgingly walked over to the cart grabbing a small rocket, Reno glanced around to make sure Tseng was assisting Rufus with a stubborn lighter. He glanced back at Rude, "no no the big one big one!"

Rude sighed grabbing the biggest one labeled 'Bahamut Burst', Reno's face lit up before Rude and he ducked around to behind the cart. Reno bent down touching his lighter to the fuse before standing up.

"Done," he declared before it started leaning over towards him, "you're supposed to stick it in the ground yo." He shoved it towards Rude.

"We're on the roof, I can't," Rude replied pushing it back towards Reno.

"Outside!" Reno shouted shoving the rapidly lit rocket towards Rude.

"We are outside you nitwit," Rude replied shoving it back towards Reno.

"This was your idea!" Reno shoved it back towards Rude.

"No it wasn't," Rude gave it one final tap before for the fuse reached the ignition point while it fell over onto the ground. The force of the exhaust sent the Turks sprawling onto their backs with soot-covered faces. The rocket sped off slamming into Hojo from behind, the momentum sent him flying off of the roof into the air before the rocket flew to the far side of the roof where a lone crate of Reno's confiscated explosives sat. Hojo hit the crate grabbing it but his coat was already snagged onto the rocket. The rocket carried them up into the air before it exploded, causing a chain reaction of Reno's explosives. The display caught everyone's attention as it lit up the night sky.

Reno stood up having recovered from the rocket's take off, he leaped into the air whooping, "that was totally wicked! Let's get another one!"

As he came back down to the roof he yelped as someone grabbed his ear wrenching it, "Reno… I might have known…" Tseng sighed. "Come on time to put you in the naughty seat."


	76. Remind me to Block the Nature Channel

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the Lion King.

**A/N I was watching "Planet Earth" and "Most Extreme" a while back. Both of them featured these nasty parasites. There are these parasites that really do take over the hosts mind and makes them act all crazy. The one for the snails is particularly nasty, since it makes their eyestalks swell and change colors, then they climb to the tops of trees and try to get birds to eat them. I swear it's true. **

Tseng looked around at the assembly, whoever had the bright idea to have a birthday party for Hojo deserved to be shot. The Executives and the Turks were all sitting around watching as Hojo happily sang off tune horribly.

"Meticulous planning, tenacity spanning, decades of denial is simply why I'll be king undisputed, respected, saluted, and seen for the wonder I am! Yes my teeth and ambitions are bared be prepared! Yes our teeth and ambitions are bared be prepared!" He finished cackling and revealing his disgusting teeth. He grinned at the group, "someone blindfold me and spin me for pin the tail on the chocobo!"

Tseng sighed standing up and blindfolding Hojo and spinning him around violently, "there, good luck."

Hojo could see through the cloth a little and saw blonde, "there you are!"

Elena felt like she was about to be sick just seeing his teeth as he came closer, she clamped a hand over her mouth. His teeth were fuzzy blue and orange near the gum line, as though some sort of mold had taken over his mouth. She flinched wondering if it was one of those freaky parasites that they showed on the Nature Channel. Maybe it was really the kind that infected snails and made their eyestalks grow huge and start changing color and took over their minds. Or maybe it was the kind that took over other bugs and then killed them and sent spore pods bursting out of their bodies.

He came closer to Elena and she felt sicker, he really was possessed by one of those parasites she saw on TV. "Kyaaaaaaaaaa!" She screamed picking up her chair and slamming it into Hojo.

He staggered sideways and tripped over his shoelaces hitting his head against Rufus's new neon light pole. The light splintered sending shards into his head; a large one pierced his skull and went into his brain along with its static charge. The electricity sent his neural impulses into overdrive, his arms and legs thrashed wildly at the overload of input. His body eventually went slack.

Elena cringed, "eew."

Tseng sighed, "What's wrong Elena?"

Elena looked up at him, "he's being controlled by parasites his eyes were bugging out of his head and really thick and red and orange and yellow and glowing and then they took over his mind and now we need to get rid of his body before the parasite starts to come out of his body and starts sending out spores and we all turn into freaky parasite controlled mindless zombies with glowing eyes that are bugging out of our heads!"

Tseng rubbed the bridge of his nose with his eyes closed, "Elena how many times do I need to tell you not to watch Resident Not-Niceness movies before bed?"

She shook her head, "you don't understand! I saw it on the Nature Channel! The parasite starts from eating bird droppings and then it takes over the host's mind and makes them act crazy and their eyes start bugging out and glowing! Or sometimes when the host dies the parasite starts growing out of their bodies and their eye sockets have these little white nasty mushroom things growing out of them sending out spores to infect everyone!"

He sighed, "remind me to block the Nature Channel," he muttered, it really was one of the nastiest things he had ever heard. There was no way Elena could make it up if she tried.


	77. Fired like no Tomorrow

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII. I don't own Bleach either, or Around the World in 80 Days.

**A/N Well I think it's high time some people overdue in the saga come in to do some damage. The Shin-Ra Department of Public Relations, specifically the hiring department. After all these people need to repent for the crime of passing off Hojo's application for approval.**

Nara Iteki looked around pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose; her slacker of a boss had run off again. She walked outside onto the balcony for the floor and saw him sitting there with a piece of grass sticking out of his mouth. "What are you doing Mr. Kandon?

Sammy Kandon, head of Shin-Ra's Public Relations and Hiring, looked up, "ah Dara I fink I haf a probrem. I put thith piethe of grath in my mouf finking I'd rook coor but I fink it'th poithoned. My mouf ith numb." Which translated as, 'ah Nara I think I have a problem. I put this piece of grass in my mouth thinking I'd look cool but I think it's poisoned. My mouth is numb.'

Her glasses flashed as she pulled the grass out of his mouth, "then take it out! Here!" She dropped a stack of files onto his chest. "This is the paperwork you're supposed to be doing!"

He sighed standing up and walking inside flicking through the papers, "these are all approval papers for Professor Hojo."

"Exactly, we need them revoked," Nara replied as they reached Sammy's office.

"Why? He does his job," Sammy asked setting the file on his desk.

She sighed, "that's just it, he was approved after your drinking spree, he's been doing a horrible job."

He rolled his eyes, "alright go tell him he's fired."

Nara groaned as she walked over to the elevator and hit the button to open it taking it up to the laboratory. She walked out of the elevator and saw Hojo walking over to the stairs; she strode brusquely over to him. "Professor we need to talk."

He glanced up, "that's nice, make an appointment with my secretary." He opened the door to the stairs and walked over to the stairwell.

"That's just it, you're fired so you don't have a secretary anymore," Nara replied watching him from behind.

Hojo stumbled, his foot in motion stepping on his shoe laces, in an arc that reminded her of a bird that had just been shot mid-flight. His arms flailed wildly as he pulled the fire extinguisher off and slammed himself in the head; he staggered over to the window and fell out.

Nara watched him very confused, she shook her head and walked back to her boss's office via the stairs trying to come up with how to explain Hojo's reaction. Eventually she reached the door and opened it, "sir…"

"Ah my dear Nara, did you fire Hojo?" He asked shooting his ceiling with a foam dart gun.

She nodded, "yes."

"Really? How's he take it?" Sammy asked shooting another dart.

"I think the shock of it went to his head but eventually he came back down to earth," she replied pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

"Good, now could you get me some coffee Nara dear?" Sammy asked.

She smacked him with a nearby file, "get it yourself," she turned and walked out of the office, he sighed smiling as she left. She really was great.


	78. I've now been Scarred for Life

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or science.

**A/N "Stand back, I'm going to try my science!" Truer words were never spoken in the pixels of the xkcd web comic. I recommend 299; you will find it rather amusing. Anyway, I'm going to try my poor science skills, so with any luck it will make this all work!**

Hojo smirked looking down at his new toy, "be careful with that I haven't had a chance to play with it yet!"

The it in question was a large Orichalcum vat, the mineral was rather amusing to play with due to its resilient properties and unwillingness to break. First Class SOLDIER weapons tended to be made of Orichalcum unless they still used their standard issue steal claymore. The Buster Sword was one of the first Orichalcum based weapons along side the Masamune as well as Genesis Rhapsodos's rapier. Most of the Turks weapons also were made out of Orichalcum since it was a very lightweight metal.

Why Hojo had a large vat made from the metal was a simple explanation, he needed it to store liquid nitrogen. Orichalcum was notorious as a conductor of heat and Hojo needed to keep his oxygen cold enough to stay in liquid form. Why he needed liquid nitrogen was anyone's guess, though several people could be seen below the catwalk, where Hojo was supervising, putting balloons into the liquid nitrogen.

"Cut that out! I need that vat untouched!" Hojo shouted at them.

"Sorry boss, it's just too much fun!" Aaron, called watching his inflated rubber glove dip into the liquid and he pulled it up watching it reinflate.

"I said stop it!" Hojo shouted.

"Come on boss you gotta try this!" Jenkins called dropping his glove in but he wasn't brave enough to reach in and grab it.

Hojo stuck out his lower lip in a pout, revealing the bizarre bluish tinge of the inside of his cheeks. "You meanies! I'm telling Mother on you!"

He turned to walk away but did a double take; he could see a jade and white something floating in the vat of liquid nitrogen, "Jenova!" Hojo shouted looking around confused. "Oh what do I do? What do I do? If I don't get her out then she could die, if I go get a ladder or something then she could die, what do I do?"

He started pacing back and forth on the catwalk confused about his next course of action, should he go get help? No because none of the people he would ask would actually help him. Should he try and get a crane or tongs? No that would be impossible, there wasn't a pair of tongs long enough to get Jenova out safely. Should he go down to the lower level? No that would take to long. He had no other choice, he kicked off his dress shoes, pulled off his slacks and ripped off his shirt and stood there in nothing but a lab coat, protein patterned tie, and the scariest undergarment in the world, that was so horrible words could not describe it other then it was completely inappropriate for a man to be wearing and could potentially be giving Hojo a horrific wedgie.

He climbed up onto the railing of the catwalk, he leaped off shouting, "I'm coming Mommy!" He splashed into the liquid nitrogen, his body contracting so much his heart exploded and he died, clutching a jade and white rubber glove.

Aaron looked over at Jenkins, lower eyelid twitching, "I don't know about you, but I've now been scarred for life."

"Agreed… I think I need a vacation, a long vacation," Jenkins replied adjusting his barrette. "They never paid us enough to put up with him."

Aaron nodded, "too true."


	79. Bugging out

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Godzilla.

**A/N You know one of my favorite movie series of all time? Godzilla, I'm not talking about the abomination of the American one where he was in NYC hiding. I'm talking about classic Godzilla, when he didn't run like a sissy from the army but stomped through downtown Tokyo. I bring this up because today deals with giant mako enhanced creatures.**

Nanaki sighed looking around the lab dismally, another day, the same cage, and another experiment. He brushed a paw against the gate of his cage; he did this every morning in a vague amount of hope that he would be able to escape. However unlike the normal state of the door being locked it swung open with relative ease, hinges squeaking a little as it opened.

The Cosmo Canyon Guardian raised an eyebrow interested, he poked his muzzle out, he didn't smell anything, there was no one strapping a restraining device on him. He stuck his whole head out, he didn't hear anyone coming, didn't see anyone standing there. Stepping out cautiously he looked around waiting for some thing to happen; when nothing did he let a wolfish smile cross his face. His tail started swishing as he walked towards the door, he was free, and however his tail hit a stack of papers. The stack of papers toppled onto a stack of files, which toppled onto a stack of books, which toppled over a trey of vials into a terrarium of bugs.

Nanaki took no notice as he pushed open the door to freedom, not minding the bizarre glowing lights and the loud roaring. Out of the terrarium emerged an army of ants and cockroaches the size of desktops. The racket they made was near deafening, one of the ants rubbed up against the door and walked out walking onto the wall clinging to it. The other bugs followed her down the hall.

Hojo meanwhile was sitting in his office contemplating paperwork, "so bored… I wonder how my experiments are doing. Besides those two fools don't need that budget addition. They have plenty of their new growth substance."

Just then the door opened, the ants came marching in one by one, and the cockroaches followed but they busied themselves with the postage stamps on the letters in Hojo's office. The ants however started feeling around with their antennae, Hojo stopped sipping his coffee for a moment. If he held still then they couldn't see him, or was that Tyrannosaurs Rex, he couldn't remember. But it didn't really matter, the ants picked him up and carried him off to the lab, they set him down and started snipping him apart with their mandibles.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" Hojo screeched, one of the ants snapped its jaws on his neck slicing his jugular. A few minutes later all of the bugs had taken a bite out of Hojo.

Aaron and Jenkins walked in on the scene, "wow, I didn't think it would make our bugs grow."

"Yeah but look they all died, and looks like they took our boss with them." Jenkins commented casually.


	80. Little Fella Tonberry

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII; if I did then bishie glomping would be a mini game.

**A/N This idea comes from one of my longtime friends and fellow Reno fan, Otterling. That and it employs that creature that's so adorable yet a pain in the butt, the wonderful Tonberry! So let's give a shout out to the masters of mayhem, the Turks!**

Tseng looked around the room; "alright tonight we're drawing because two of you will be guarding Hojo at the gala."

Cissnei glared at Reno, there was no way she was going to spend the evening with smell, old nasty Hojo. She'd spent the week on day patrol; no way was she spending her weekend on night patrol too. When Tseng put his hand out she gratefully pulled out a long straw and shoved it under Reno's nose. "In. Your. Face."

He grumbled glaring at the short straw in his hand and at Cissnei, "shut up…"

Rude walked over sighing, "take it easy Reno. I got one too."

Reno sighed slouching over to the door followed by Rude, a few minutes later Reno sighed standing in the lab. Rude had continued downstairs to get the car, leaving Reno to go pick up Hojo. "Oy Prof let's go yo!"

Hojo glanced up from a test tube, "in a minute, I need to watch this reaction."

Reno sighed leaning against the wall until Hojo had finished writing stuff down, "can we go now?"

"No because I need to finish," Hojo replied curtly. Reno rolled his eyes and pulled out a cigarette, "no smoking in the lab unless you want to blow us all to smithereens."

Reno growled putting his lighter away and letting the cigarette fall back into the box, "if you don't want me to smoke then let's go so I can dammit!"

"In a minute," Hojo shrugged unconcerned as he went along with his work.

Reno groaned leaving the room and slinking off to explore the labs, the first place he wandered happened to be the biological experiment area. He walked around looking at all the animals staring up at him hopelessly, he felt his heart breaking. Everyone accused Turks of being heartless, which wasn't true at all, after what Reno was about to do no one could accuse him of being heartless. One by one he started opening all the cages, the animals looked around curiously crawling, walking and flying away. Reno came to the last of the cages spotting a sad looking little creature. It had a little green hat, skin hidden in shadows by the high tan collar but it's gold eyes gazed up at Reno saying, 'let me out.' Its little knife was rusted and the lantern had no light, the brown tunic and wee little boots were worn.

Reno felt his heart melt, the little guy was so adorable, "hey little fella you want me to help ya?" The little Tonberry nodded, Reno smiled, "well the first thing I'll do is I'll give you a new knife and this," he pulled out a switchblade and his lighter. He flicked the lighter to life and touched it to the wick in the Tonberry's lantern and took its rusty knife giving him the switchblade. The Tonberry's eyes lit up with affection for Reno, Reno smiled opening the cage door, "now you're not going to hurt me are ya?" The Tonberry shook his head, "cool so you wanna help me?" It nodded, Reno picked him up. "Alright then!"

He carried the Tonberry to Hojo's room and smiled, "alright little fella, you know what to do."

The Tonberry trotted over to Hojo slowly, raising its shiny new switchblade it jabbed it into the seat of Hojo's posterior. Hojo leaped like a cat into the air clinging to the light yowling, "in the name of Jenova what the hell was that?!" However he had been stabbed by a Tonberry, and that meant his life would be ending in, "five, four, three, two, one." As Reno so quaintly counted. Hojo let go of the light and fell to the floor dead as a doornail.

The Tonberry trotted over to Reno, Reno picked him up, "you and me are gonna get along just fine little fella."


	81. No Mister Hojo I Expect you to Die

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing, nothing you hear me!

**A/N Today I was shopping for a new calendar today and procured a day-by-day Worst Case Scenario calendar. However in my wanderings I came across a James Bond calendar. I seem to recall that the bad guys in James Bond have the coolest stuff.**

Hojo looked at the note clutched in his hands, then out the window to the lights of the city and the sky. Admittedly he was a little perplexed; he hadn't done anything to warrant a threatmantic note tacked to his door. It was also odd that he recognized the handwriting but couldn't place it at all. Besides it was threatmantic, half threatening, and half romantic.

He pushed open the door and looked around the dark room, "hello?"

"Hello, please lie down, take it easy," came a voice that sounded static. A light illuminated a lone bed; it was bright pink with puppy-patterned sheets. He looked at it curiously, he was sleepy, and it was two in the afternoon. Time for him to fulfill the rest of his twenty-two hours of sleep a day. He walked over to the bed and climbed in snuggling under the covers. He reached into the pocket of his coat and pulled out a picture of Jenova putting it next to him. He kissed it gently, "good night Jenny." With that he rolled over and fell asleep.

The spot where he'd kissed the picture dissolved away and started disintegrating the picture into a little black spot on the pillow. A moment later restraints sprang out of the bed and clamped over Hojo, it rolled him over and the lights came on. They revealed a ballpoint pen pointing over Hojo's head, Hojo however remained asleep.

"What is the secret to the SOLDIER program?" The computer voice demanded.

Hojo let out a snore.

"Where is the Underground Lab?" The voice demanded again more agitated.

Hojo started sleep talking, "ooh Jenova, oh don't stop, ohh… oh!" He started thrashing around attempting to hug himself.

The mysterious person who'd laid the trap twitched, "why are you acting like a creepy perverted old bastard?! Why won't you wake up?! Who is this Jenova?!"

"Oh Jenova…" Hojo groaned in his sleep.

The stranger twitched again, "that's it, I have no idea what I ever saw in you. You see that hovering above you? No of course you don't you're asleep, but it's my newest invention. A highly concentrated beam of superheated energy in the convenient form of a ballpoint pen. And it's going to make you do stuff."

"You expect me to do what?" Hojo muttered kissing the air.

"No Professor Hojo, I expect you to die." The mysterious person shouted slamming the button and brought the laser to life. Within a few moments the beam was slowly traveling from the foot of the bed towards the top. It started between Hojo's legs causing him to jolt before cutting up his stomach through his chest and up through his head. The bed split apart, Hojo's blood started to melt away the bed.

Scarlet sighed, "creepy bastard. Good bye and good riddance."

**A/N For Death 99, I'm looking for a few brave volunteers. Just PM me the name you want to go by, any sort of weapon or accessories you want, and a brief description of your personality.**


	82. Machine of Culinary Dooooooooom!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, sorry guys.

**A/N Sorry guys, I'm no longer taking applications for the Hojo Killing Society. At this rate I'll end up not being able to give everyone a moment in the sunshine in Death 99. But today is Death 82, not 99 so until then you'll have to make do with the machine of culinary doom.**

Zack sighed looking at the new piece of equipment that had shown up in the lab, he was down at the lab to monitor the new Cadets first mako injection. He poked the large metal box curiously; it only had a strange circular opening and long twisting drill like blade in it. "What is it?"

"Ice cream machine," Kelly looked up from where she was installing it.

"What's an ice cream machine doing in here?" he asked looking at it.

Kelly shrugged, "Hojo wanted one installed so here it is."

She stood up wiping some oil off of her face, "now then I gotta go, see you later Mr. Fair," she turned walking out of the lab.

Zack poked the ice cream machine again, "why would anyone want to put one of these in their office?" 

One of the Cadets walked over, his big blue eyes looking at the machine, "Um Mr. Fair…"

"Ah Cloudy boy! Wanna help me with something?" Zack asked brightly.

"Not to be rude sir but the last time I helped you with something I was missing an eyebrow and a chunk of hair," Cloud Strife replied. True enough, one of his eyebrows was a different shade then the other, along with the tip of his most vertical lock of hair possessing a little singed black top, it stood a mountain peak of burned snow.

"Aww come on Spiky when have I ever led you astray?" Zack replied throwing an arm around Cloud.

"Lets see, there was the time you tried to convince me the cafeteria food was safe to eat, then there was the time you tried to tell me that Midgar levitated, and then there was the time you told me to put shaving cream in Sephiroth's hand while he was asleep…" Zack clamped his hand over Cloud's mouth.

"Yeah well this time I promise this runs no risk of you getting any sort of injury," Zack smiled, "now run over there and grab me anything you can." He pointed to a large case of various assorted chemicals and stuff that pertained to science.

Cloud nodded and obediently scurried over grabbing everything he could while Zack grabbed a bowl of water. The Cadet ran over and set down the containers in front of Zack, "nice work Cloudy boy! Now for a little of this," he opened several of the jars emptying the contents into his bowl. "Oh and some of these," he opened more jars dumping them out, the bowl started smoking violently.

"Um… Mr. Fair are you sure this is a good idea?" Cloud asked timidly.

Zack laughed, "course it is Cloudy boy! When have my ideas ever been bad? …On second thought don't answer that." He watched Cloud open his mouth to say something.

Zack picked up the bowl putting it in the ice cream machine and turning it on, smoke was poring out the opening. A few minutes later Zack was catching the white frozen confection in the bowl, "go get me as spoon Spike."

Cloud trotted off returning with a spoon, Zack grinned putting the spoon in the ice cream and set it on Hojo's desk. "Come on Cloudy let's go get you makoed up!"

They left passing Hojo in the hall, the scientist walked into his office seeing the ice cream sitting on his desk. He sat down smiling, "yay ice cream!" He picked up a spoonful of the ice cream and took a bite. The moment he swallowed his body seized up and he fell face first into the rest of the bowl dead.


	83. Shattered View

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, and I sure want some ice cream…

**A/N A while back I went to the local children's museum, and it was pretty cool. They had a house of mirrors like in Enter the Dragon (classic Bruce Lee movie and my personal favorite). And I was thinking to myself, "what do we really know about the Shin-Ra building?" Nothing, that's what.**

It was a bright and sunny winter day in Midgar as two Turks came walking down the hall, Tseng looked over at Cissnei, "how was the mission?"

She sighed, "Well it was nowhere near enjoyable."

"What happened?" Tseng asked.

"Reno was a pain and we almost crashed, twice," she groaned.

He sighed, "oh well that would do it. Was that all?"

"Yes sir, and with all due respect I never want to go on another mission with Reno again. By your leave sir, I am heading to go get some sleep," she yawned.

Tseng nodded coming to a stop, Cissnei leaned against the wall looking at Tseng, "you still haven't told me your real name." He commented.

She smiled, "my name is," the wall gave out from behind her and she fell back into another room.

Tseng put a hand on the wall, "Cissnei are you alright?"

"Fine sir, I'm in some sort of hall of mirrors," she replied.

"Try and find a way out, I'll get Reno and Rude," Tseng replied.

Cissnei rolled her eyes, "please take your time sir." She walked away from the wall and off into the mysterious hallway. She was soon lost; she pulled out her windmill shuriken and started dragging it along the ground to trace her path through the hallways. However it wasn't helping much because it didn't seem the place had another exit.

A short time outside of the hall of mirrors Hojo came wandering by, he had on a new pair of shoes and the laces seemed to have a problem staying tied. He stepped forward and right onto his shoelaces. He tripped and fell through the revolving wall into the hall of mirrors as the wall revolved shut. He stood up and looked in the mirror, the glass immediately fractured, then the pieces fractured to the point of unrecognizability. He walked over to the next one and had the same thing happen. He set off down the mirror-lined hall using the broken mirrors as breadcrumbs.

Several hours passed of them wandering through the halls attempting to find an exit. Cissnei leaned around the corner seeing someone coming up behind her, she readied her shuriken. Hojo meanwhile was peering around the same corner from the other side; the pair saw each other face to face. Hojo let out a scream, Cissnei screamed but didn't hesitate and palm heeled him in the nose. He staggered back into a mirror clutching a bloody nose, "damn Turk!" He shouted before he slammed into a mirror, it left him with a nasty concussion and he fell to the ground, the concussion had caused severe brain trauma and killed him. However the mirror he'd hit had some blood on it, the glass melted revealing a door handle. Cissnei stepped onto Hojo's face, sternum and crotch as she made her way over to the door. She pulled it open winding up in Tseng's office, "um Mr. Tseng?"

"Cissnei!" he exclaimed, "I just remembered about an old training room near the command office."

"Interesting," Cissnei commented closing the door behind her.


	84. Pikachuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, or Pokemon.

**A/N It's a crime, I swear it is, my house lost Internet last night! I'm sorry, there was nothing I could do… I'm sorry. Anyway you know the drill when something weird happens, I post two for that day. So let's dive right in and get working, today I'd like to welcome a little mouse I call William Michael David Wolfgang Voltaire McKilligan the Fifth, or Volt for short.**

Hojo looked around the apartment from his perch on the chair; he swore he just saw it, that vibrant yellow fur had dashed under the couch. It was a Shock Mouse, he hated mice, when he was a kid in elementary school the class pet mouse, and Pika had bit him on a very sensitive area of his anatomy. It wasn't like he'd done anything that would upset the little mouse, all he'd wanted to do was cut it open and see what was inside. The mouse had seen the scalpel in his hand and scampered up his arm and down his shirt into his pants.

Ever since that day he'd been practically petrified of mice, he pulled off his shoe and threw it at the couch. The little mice scampered out of its hiding spot over to the cabinet and climbed up to sit on its hind legs and looked at Hojo curiously, "squeak?"

"You little vile disgusting vermin, I ought to make you part of an experiment," he grumbled. Leaning back he grabbed a broom and swung at the mouse.

He let out another squeak and leaped onto the broom scrambling up it onto Hojo's arm. He bit Hojo, the scientist let out a yelp, "ow! You little rodent!" He smacked his arm but the rodent had climbed up onto Hojo's chest biting him again. "Stupid little mouse!" He leaped off of the chair attempting to squash the mouse with a body slam, however the mouse scampered over his shoulder and onto his back leaving him with a broken nose, ribs and pelvis. He rolled over in an effort to squash it again, but like a mini lumberjack the Shock Mouse started running along Hojo's body in true lumberjack fashion.

His log rolled into the bathroom and slammed into the toilet, the poor little thing spooked and ran onto Hojo's face squeaking for dear life. Hojo roared as he sat up and shoved his face into the toilet bowl in an effort to drown the mouse. The frightened little thing ran down Hojo's arm, along the seat and up onto the flusher. He jumped and started to flush the toilet, Hojo panicked and screamed taking in a mouthful of water and it went into his lungs. He continued taking in water slowly but surely asphyxiating, heart rate racing before slowing to a stop.

The Shock Mouse leaped onto the lid of the toilet and it slammed down onto Hojo's dead body, which spasmed due to the synapses not recognizing the post mortem state. The rodent scampered down Hojo's back and legs onto the floor. He ran across the room and squeezed under the door, outside was someone who was scouring the area. His long silver hair reflecting the sunlight, black leather coat ghosting over the floor.

The Shock Mouse sat up on his hind legs and squeaked, "squeak, squeak squeaaaak!"

Sephiroth bent down and picked up the mouse in his hand, "Zack how many times have I told you not to run away?"

"Squeak squeak…" the mouse looked at the SOLDIER apologetically.

"Come on let's get you home," Sephiroth smiled ticking the mouse under the chin.


	85. And the Goddess said let there be rock

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, Guitar Hero or Iron Man by Black Sabbath.

**A/N My stupid Internet will die, I will double post so as to make up for its evilness. Clearly too much Hojoblood has entered the system. The other day I found myself perusing through xkcd once again, and was highly amused by the latest one at the time and the concept behind it. So I give you Genesis, Angeal and Sephiroth!**

Sephiroth looked around his apartment before looking back at Genesis and Angeal, "welcome to my humble home guys."

Genesis walked in setting his guitar by the door and dropping his stuff on the floor near the couch. "It seems that it benefits to be a General."

"Be nice Genesis," Angeal commented as he walked in and also set his things by the couch. "But this is rather nice Seph."

Sephiroth smiled slightly, the First Class barracks were currently going renovations so most of the First Class was taking over the Second and Third Class areas. But Sephiroth couldn't doom his two best friends to staying in the lower class barracks so he was letting them stay at his place. "So are you two hungry?" Sephiroth asked in an effort to show some hospitality.

"Sure what've you got?" Genesis asked flinging himself onto the couch and turning on the TV.

"Let's see, how's about some ramen and beer?" Sephiroth replied looking into the fridge. There was a lot of stuff in there but Sephiroth could barely boil water properly.

Angeal sighed "give me a minute," and started grabbing stuff to make some pizza, he wondered briefly how Sephiroth lived with all these ingredients and no idea how to cook.

Eventually they were sitting around the TV eating pizza, drinking beer and arguing over the remote, "I want Rock TV." Genesis argued as he flipped to it, "they're showing my new music video tonight!"

"Well until then let's watch the Nature Channel," Angeal replied snatching the remote and changing the channel.

"No we're watching Mythdebunkers," Sephiroth decided stealing the remote for a third time. Genesis hit it out of Sephiroth's hand, it flew in the air and changed the channel again, and the three stopped and went wide-eyed.

"Ooh katana," they stared as they came to the Shin-Ra broadcasting service, they were showing a program on the process of forging katanas. They three fell silent as they watched; when the program ended they were all asleep on the couch. Empty beer bottles on the table, plates with pizza crust sat cold next to the bottles.

It was about two in the morning when the room started shaking, someone was blasting rap music as loud as was physically possible. The SOLDIER trio woke up and looked over at the door, "SHUT UP!" Sephiroth roared over the pounding base as he opened the violently rocking door.

"I'VE GOT AN IDEA!" Angeal shouted with his hands clamped over his ears.

A few minutes later they had a large parabola in the doorway, the noise of the base had been greatly reduced as the vibrations were reflected back to their source. Angeal plugged a cord into the parabola, "okay Gen give me a chord."

Genesis looked down at his guitar and placed his hands on the frets strumming a chord; the parabola released a blast of sound. He nodded strumming another chord, the door across the hall rocked violently, "sweet," he muttered before plucking out a riff, "Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all, or if he moves will he fall?" He started singing as the guitar started blasting its classic rock powers through the amplification of the parabola into the door across the hall.

He looked over at Sephiroth who looked positively excited, "can I play some?"

Genesis nodded taking off his guitar handing it over to Sephiroth, "what are you going to do?"

He played a few horrific chords of the same song, "it's okay I've done this on Easy!"

Genesis hastily took back his guitar, "I think we'll take a look at the damage." He recognized that Sephiroth thought he could play a real guitar after playing Guitar Warrior. Which meant Sephiroth really couldn't.

Angeal side stepped the parabola and crossed the hall, there was a sizable hole in the wall, and out of the wall on the far side of the apartment was a large array of splinters. In particular several large ones were holding up Hojo's body, one was through his head, another through his stomach and a last through a sensitive section of his anatomy. "Wow I think that worked. Maybe even too well."

Genesis joined Angeal, "and the Goddess said, let there be rock."

Sephiroth nodded joining them, "amen to that."


	86. You Really can die from Embarrassement

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, and xLadyxLibertyx to some extent owns me.

**A/N The modern Internet is something quite dangerous, after all anyone could film you doing something at any time. Well I haven't happen yet but give two mischivious scientists a camera phone and watch what happens.**

Aaron groaned watching some sort of chemical reaction writing down some notes, it was so boring, Hojo seemed to be giving him nothing but menial labor of late. It wasn't his fault that the last of Hojo's 'great experiments' had blown up in his face. "So… bored…"

He leaned back in his chair and sighed before his chair fell out from under him and he fell onto the floor at Jenkins feet. He grinned up at his beret-clad friend, "yo!"

"Hey, shouldn't you be working?" Jenkins scolded dropping some files on Aaron's face.

"I was, and I will…" Aaron sighed standing up and righting his chair tossing the files on the desk. He watched Jenkins walk away before yawning, he couldn't stand it anymore, and he was taking a break before he went nuts. He walked towards Hojo's lab hoping to deliver some progress reports; it would give him something to do. He opened the door a little, "Professor…"

He stopped cold seeing something completely outrageous, he hastily fumbled for his PHS and flicked it open pointing the camera at Hojo and hitting record. When he filled out the memory he closed the door and ran for his desk, he slid into his chair propelling himself over to the computer. He gave the mouse a shake and roused the computer from sleep and plugged his PHS into his computer. A few minutes later he was on the upload screen of his MeTube account, BusterBoss21. He selected the file on his phone and clicked accept. The next thing he did was he sent the link to Jenkins, who in turn sent it to Kelly, who sent it to the Turks, Reno sent it to Zack, Zack forwarded it to the rest of SOLDIER, Sephiroth sent it to Reeve, who passed it onto Rufus, and so on and so forth until everyone in the Company had seen it. By the end of the day it had gone company viral, Aaron smiled as his hit count hit the millions.

However there was one person who no one sent it to, after all it would lose value immensely if SexiestShinRaMan55 saw it. The account naturally belonged to the subject of the video, Professor Hojo. He was oblivious as to the reason why people kept snickering when they passed him in the halls. He entered into the press conference room and walked up to the podium glaring down at Aaron and Jenkins, who were seated behind the projector.

"Welcome everyone to today's conference on mako's effect on biological reproduction," he nodded down to the pair to start projecting.

Aaron smirked slightly at Jenkins, rather then pulling up the PointPower presentation he pulled up the net and MeTube heading for the viral he'd put up. The assembly was fighting hysterics, "as you can see behind me this is an unaffected fetus which has not been treated by mako." Hojo announced unaware of what was really going on behind him. "Now as you can tell from this next piece the differences in growth between the two is quite different." The whole group finally lost it as he announced that statement, Hojo turned around to see what was so funny.

He clutched his chest and keeled over, the video was of him serving tea to Jenova's head while doing horrible impersonations. The whole setup looked like something out of a four year old's room, "would you like more tea Mrs. Jenova Hojo?" The film Hojo announced poring some invisible tea into a cup in front of Jenova's head. However Jenova had a look that screamed, 'get me the f--- out of here!'

Aaron high fived Jenkins, "that just never gets old!" Jenkins howled.

Aaron nodded, "believe it!"


	87. For the Glory of Hello Kitty!

Disclaimer: No matter how many times I say it no one believes me, I don't own FFVII or Hello Kitty.

**A/N How many times do you flick through a book and the pages get stuck? A lot with me, so I lick my thumbs so I can get them unstuck. I never thought that something bad could happen from doing that. So ladies and gentlemen, the return of Kelly!**

Tseng looked up from his paperwork as the door opened, "you wanted to see me, Mr. Tseng sir?"

He nodded, "come in Kelly," she entered the office, blondish brownish hair pulled back into a ponytail. "I've been meaning to commend you efforts on antidote administration over the last few weeks. You've proven your apothecary skills as far as medicine is concerned."

She smiled, "thank you sir, my family has been apothecaries for generations."

"I know, but I have a job that I need you to do," Tseng continued, "It involves someone who wouldn't be missed but must be dealt with carefully. You understand this right?"

"Yes sir!" She sprang to attention.

"Then consider this your first field mission," he held out a paper and she took it, "dismissed." Once Tseng was sure she had left he leaned back in his chair, "that'll teach you to steal the last of my Hello Kitty sticky notes."

She saluted and walked away reading over the paper carefully, she knew just who to go to for the method she wanted. She tucked the paper away in her pocket and headed for the library, she picked out the newest book from the scientific section that Hojo hadn't touched yet. She carefully pulled off the shrink-wrap and produced a vial from her sleeve, sprinkling the liquid over corner of the pages; she pulled the shrink-wrap back over and placed the book back on the shelf. She slid the vial back up her sleeve walking away to the far side of the aisle.

A scant moment later the library doors opened with a bang, "ah time for my new book! A History of Science, an autobiography, written by me! I would have never finished it if not for those Hello Kitty post it notes! After all I used up all of my Jenova's head shaped ones. It'll make the Midgar Times best seller list for sure!"

He walked over to the shelf and picked up the book, "first print first edition, still with that new book smell too! I love the smell of new books, almost as much as I love formaldehyde, vivisection, tortured screams, and Jenova. But mostly Jenova!" He pulled open the cover and took a smell of the book, not detecting any sort of tampering. The front cover opened with a creak, he pulled out his special Jenova shaped pen and scrawled his signature in it, "to the handsomest devil in Shin-Ra, I love you. Professor Hojo."

He wanted to open the book and read his glorious work; he licked his thumb touching it to the corner and flicked to the cover page. He brought his thumb to his mouth again but when it touched his tongue he froze for a moment before setting it back down and flicking past the acknowledgements to the title page. He brought his thumb up again and sucked on it for a moment before gagging, all of a sudden he fell to the ground spasming. A few minutes later he was face down on the ground, deader then a skeleton.

Kelly walked around the bookshelves and reached into Hojo's pocket with a pair of tongs recovering a small pad of Hello Kitty sticky notes. She then withdrew a syringe, it was said Hojo's blood was the deadliest substance known to man, it would prove a useful tool in missions to come. She stuck the needle in Hojo's neck and started extracting several vials before walking back to Tseng's office to return the sticky notes.


	88. Ay Caramba!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, and I Dare to be Different.

**A/N If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's my high pain threshold. However even my tolerance has a weakness, and when you live where I do, it's the tongue that'll do you in. My tolerance has a limit and if I can't take it then you know Hojo can't take it. So please give the Executives a cheer! Oh and the dish mentioned below is a local delicacy around here.**

Hojo glared at Rufus then back at Reeve and finally around at the assembly of Executives, "what are we doing here?"

"Well Professor we figured since this is the anniversary of the day you started working for Shin-Ra we decided to take you out to dinner," Reeve laughed jovially.

Hojo twitched, "then why not go somewhere nice like a bar or something?"

Heidegger groaned, "for the love of Ifrit we're treating you to dinner, don't push it by being picky."

Hojo sighed and trailed after the group as they went in and sat in the back room, he picked up the menu and looked at it, "isn't there anything decent here?"

"Would you stop being such a whiny little wimp and order," Scarlet rolled her eyes passing off her menu.

Hojo made a face of mockery and ordered, "I'll have the Los Colores."

"Red or green," the waiter asked.

"Um…" Hojo thought for a moment.

"New Years," Rufus barked, the waiter wrote it down and walked away.

Hojo looked over at Rufus confused, "why did you do that?"

"You were taking too long," Rufus replied flicking his hair.

Hojo sighed as they started talking and enjoying themselves, he growled, "alright so what do you call a bee crossed with a bird?"

"Dunno," Palmer obliged sipping his lard topped with tea.

"A chocobee," Hojo replied before bursting out into laughter. The rest of the Executives stared at him silently, he gave another laugh, "come on, a chocobee, it's a chocobo and a bee, a chocobee… oh for the love of Bahamut you're acting like I cut out your sense of humor." The silence at this point was deafening, Hojo glared silently at them.

"Your food," the waiter announced as several people bearing plates entered, they set the platters down and backed away, Hojo saw his food covered in some strange red and green sauce stuff.

"What is this?" he poked it looking at Reeve.

"Chile, it's a native of Cosmo Canyon, it's rather flavorful, particularly the whole fruit," he indicated the small green conical fruit on Hojo's plate.

"How do I eat it?" He asked looking at the Urban Development head.

"Just stick it in your mouth and take a bite," Reeve advised.

Hojo picked up the small item and stuck it in his mouth before pulling and chewing, the reaction was almost instantaneous. There was an old saying among the chile coinsures, the smaller the chile the more potent it was and there was a reason. The flood of the capsaicin in his mouth started his eyes to tear up; his glasses fogged over, his ears turned crimson and broke out in a sweat. He opened his mouth and let out a howl of pain, Reeve giggled slightly, "okay the best thing to do is to eat the red and green sauce, it was made to fight the pain."

Hojo nodded and shoved the sauces into his mouth, not realizing that he was only adding to his pain, because the sauce was a red and green chile sauce, in other words the colors of New Years. He let out a high-pitched sissy scream; Rufus shook his head, "here eat this it'll help." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a jar of wasabi and pickled plums.

The scientist took it and dumped the contents into his mouth chewing and feeling sicker as the fire intensified exponentially. Heidegger shook his head, "someone bring some beer." He grabbed one from the bar and gave it to Hojo, who bellowed as the hops added to the pain, he could feel his whole body sweating and his throat was swelling shut.

Scarlet hastily grabbed Hojo by the pony tail and dumped the pitcher of water down his throat, he felt it swell his throat shut, he couldn't breathe and fell to the ground retching before asphyxiating. Palmer held up some of his cream for his lard, "try this!"

Rufus shook his head, "you're a little late on the uptake there."

**A/N If you ever get caught eating spicy food and feel like you're about to end up like Hojo, milk and sour cream will solve it.**


	89. Why Characters Shouldn't Read Fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII; you should know this by now.

**A/N Okay I would like to thank Schalla-Kitty for today's death, dear Minerva… in Crisis Core there's a Sephiroth fanclub (there're also ones for Angeal and Genesis but that's beside the point) but today's death is the assassination of the President of the Sephiroth fanclub. I think you can guess who it is. But canonically Sephiroth really does use rose and vanilla scented shampoos.**

Sephiroth looked around the street before ducking behind a trashcan; he could hear two girls talking about him up ahead. "Isn't Sephy-sama just amazing?" One giggled.

"Agreed, so strong, and handsome, I think he's absolutely perfect," the other agreed.

Sephiroth watched them reach into their purses and retrieve their PHSs, "ooh a new text message from the club!" The first one exclaimed, "It says here that Sephiroth uses vanilla and rose scented shampoos."

"Absolutely dreamy," the other one sighed closing her eyes as if hoping to catch a sniff of Sephiroth's hair care products.

The first giggled, "I wonder how President H finds out about this stuff? Do you think it's really Sephy-sama himself?"

"Don't be silly, it wouldn't be any fun if it was Sephy-sama was the president, besides don't you think he'd be using something like President S?" The second countered.

"Maybe it's really Lazard who's running it! He's kinda cute, I'm working on this new fanfiction of him and Sephiroth and…" the first blushed.

The second shook her head, "you and your yaoi fantasies Sai, personally I think he only belongs with me."

"You wish, Dana," Sai laughed, "no way it's someone creepy though. The way they write and they came through on all the promises of pictures and fanfictions was amazing."

Dana giggled as they walked out of earshot, Sephiroth stood up and felt his eyelid twitch, he'd never posed for a picture in his life apart from the one required for his ID card. Not to mention all these stories. He stood their thinking for a moment, who was the one person who had access to him when he could be posed for a photo? Of course, the promises of pictures, and the name President H, it all made sense. "Oh you are so dead." He took off running for the Shin-Ra building past the two fangirls.

"Sephy-sama come back!" They called watching the flash of black and silver turn the corner. They ran and watched him run through the lobby, then as his silver hair glinted from one of the elevators.

Sephiroth had more important matters to attend to, the elevator doors were taking too long so he forced them, leaving depressions where he'd done so. He ran down the hall past Zack, "yo Seph!" Zack greeted.

The SOLDIER darted past him, "talk later, run now."

Zack blinked, he watched Sephiroth for a moment before chasing after him, "where are you off to?"

"When I say run you run Fair," was Sephiroth's reply.

They arrived skidding to a halt in front of Hojo's apartment; Sephiroth glared at the door and kicked it open. It fell to the ground with a thud; Sephiroth cringed as he heard singing in the shower, an all too familiar singing. He noticed a piano sitting innocently in the corner, he wanted Hojo to be so unsuspecting that he would never know what killed him. He pulled out the B flat/C sharp string before proceeding silently into the bathroom. He looped the string over Hojo's neck as he reached over the curtain. He jerked forward and garroted Hojo; he kept pulling though until the wire slid cleanly through Hojo's neck. He picked up Hojo's head and shoved it onto the showerhead. He stepped back twirling the wire and walked out.

Zack watched him, "what was that all about?"

"Zack, would you like to help me find the new president of my fanclub?" Sephiroth asked casually.


	90. The James Bond Belt: now in Scientist

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, though I would gladly invite the cast to dinner.

**A/N The name is Valentine, xXxValentinexXx. All right enough of the funny business; it's time to get serious. After all the matter at hand is of a most serious nature, it's just 10 away from the big 100. So we need to make the most of our last 10. So let's welcome back Lucrecia Crescent and Turk Vincent!**

Lucrecia walked through Nibelheim on Vincent's arm, her head gently against his shoulder. "I feel like we forgot something…"

"Well today is our one year anniversary of coming to Nibelheim, and we gave everyone a present for it," Vincent replied smiling at her.

She nodded before looking apologetic, "well not everyone… I forgot Hojo's gift."

"Hmm, how about a nice watch, the man is so retentive about punctuality it seems like a perfect present," the Turk laughed.

She cuffed him in the head, "be nice, I was thinking more like a belt since he seems like he could use one the way he likes baggy pants so much."

He winced but then gave her a playfully impish look, "and you call me mean."

They walked into the local clothing store and bought a nice leather belt, the buckle was oddly dense though. As they left the store with the new belt, Vincent held up the buckle to admire it, however as they passed near a light post the buckle leaped towards it and stuck to it. Vincent was pulled to the pole along with Lucrecia, "whoa!"

"It would seem this is no ordinary belt," Lucrecia laughed watching Vincent trying to free the article of clothing from the pole. He grunted and put both of his feet on the pole finally pulling the belt off but falling flat on the ground.

Lucrecia helped him stand up and they made their way back to the Manor being sure to keep the belt away from all vaguely metallic objects. They put it in a box and gift-wrapped it before heading to the kitchen and handing the present to Hojo. "Here, happy one year anniversary of our new project!" Lucrecia smiled at him

Hojo opened the wrapping paper and box and pulled out the belt glaring at the pair, "are you two implying something?!" He screeched.

"No nothing, we just thought it suited you," Lucrecia replied slightly taken aback.

"Told you we shoulda gone with the watch," Vincent muttered.

Hojo nevertheless looped the belt on and stood up, "how do I look?" 

"Fine," Vincent commented casually just waiting for the opportune moment. As soon as Vincent turned around the belt picked up on his wristwatch's metal and started to twitch after Vincent and Lucrecia as they left. They walked down the hall; Hojo was shocked to find himself forcibly following them, "wait stop!"

Vincent and Lucrecia continued on to the entrance to the underground area, Vincent reached up his hands stretching as they passed through the door. Hojo was jerked upwards as the belt tracked the magnetic pull and he was slammed into the lip of the stonewall. His nose was forced back into his skull and his skull was impacted in about six inches and he fell to the ground dead.


	91. Nine Waves a Rolling

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, if you haven't figured this out by now.

**A/N Remember way, way, way back when I did death 28? Well click the chapter button and check if you don't. But I recall that Reno and Rude were talking about various things to do with Jenova's head. With so few deaths left I will now act on my personal favorite. Please welcome Tseng for day 91.**

Tseng walked through the lab silently. He was desperately trying to suppress the shivers attempting to run up and down his spine faster then chocobos at the Gold Saucer racetrack. He could hear tortured, anguished screaming, not that he hadn't heard tortured, anguished screaming before. It was just this time it seemed to be bothering him a lot, along with the implements lining the wall that looked as though they would be more in place in a butcher shop. Finally a shuddered managed to cross him, nevertheless he opened the door to Hojo's privet lab. "Professor?"

He walked in to find a lonely looking object on the desk and a note attached to it, 'Went to Company Water Park, do not follow.' Tseng read the note and cocked his head to the side looking over the large paperweight and examining it. It looked like snow globe with little figures of several people in it. He shook his head noticing the tassel coming off of it. He picked it up, it was very heavy, it didn't look it but it was very dense, the Turk hefted it and walked out of the lab.

A short while later he found himself in the Company Water Park, it was a large section that had been converted to do anything from aquatic combat training to a way to blow off some steam at the end of the day. He could see Reno on one of the water slides, "kowabunga!"

Tseng shook out his wet black hair as Reno sprayed him in the splash pool, "Reno…" 

"Oh hiya Bossman!" Reno shouted shaking out his wild red mane, "Whacha doin' here yo?"

"Relaxing," Tseng muttered as Reno started up the stairs out of the splash down pool before pushing him back in.

The Turk Commander stalked away to the lockers and changed into some swim trunks still carrying the paperweight. He walked past the tanning area near the wave pool spotting Hojo lying on his back with one of the mirrors and a pair of sunglasses, his nose had the weird white stuff that people always rubbed on their noses. Upon closer inspection he could smell something that smelled like dead skunk out in the sun in the summer, realizing it was Hojo. He carefully approached Hojo and saw next to him a strange blue head with white hair, sunglasses and a tanning mirror.

He picked up the head and tied the paperweight to it before disappearing into the wave pool and sinking it at the deep end. He surfaced watching Hojo panicking before running out to the pool and diving in. Hojo started to swim towards the deep end, Tseng moved out of the way as a black trail followed Hojo's progress.

Underwater Hojo was shouting as he attempted to pull up Jenova's head, "Jenny my love I'm coming! I will save you!" Unfortunately being underwater he took in a lot of water in the process and asphyxiated. But rather then his drowned body floating it sank to the bottom; his hand finally undid the knot ting Jenova's head to the paperweight. She looked at him for a moment, a tendril of hair went to her eye pulling down on her lower eyelid and she stuck out her tongue. At which point she swam back to shore and went to the tanning area to resume tanning.

Tseng had been watching the scene from the surface smiling; he heard the whistle go off for the waves to start up. He grabbed one of the surfboard shaped floats and rode the wave all the way back to shore carving the pipeline professionally. Reno let out a cheer, "nice one Bossman! What'dya say you, me an' Rude hit the new slide?"

Tseng nodded, "could be interesting."


	92. Eight SOLDIERs Singing

Disclaimer: Once I was the king of Spain, not the president of SE. And I am not a part of Orange Range.

**A/N Okay thinking back a few months ago I came up with a brilliant idea that I never acted on. Inspired by a fit of Orange Range's Asterisk I give you the SOLDIERs on an early morning run, led by my favorite, Angeal Hewley! I used the opening version though since the full song takes a while.**

Angeal looked around at the Second Class, they were going on a run around Midgar today for their morning warm up. He saw Zack waving at him cheerfully, "so Angeal shall we start the music?" 

"When you're ready," Angeal nodded, he liked to encourage the troop to sing on their runs. It increased lung capacity and ability to breath when exhausted, he let the group pick the music though. "What will it be today?"

"Asterisk!" Daniel, another of the Second Class shouted.

Angeal nodded, "alright then gentlemen take it away."

"_Rays of light from the stars in the night sky above_

_Send a plea from across the ages_

_With colors that haven't faded_

_It's somebody's cry, reflected in those sparkling eyes_

_A wish carried on the wind, a request from the moon_

_To live as fully as possible, day by day_

_So that our wishes, too, will be in someone's heart someday,_

_Let's shine on like that star_."

They sang as they ran along, they were heading towards one of the perimeter plate bridges as they started to run near the edge of the reactor line of the Plates. Angeal was rather please with the way they were keeping pace, at this rate they would complete the lap and be back in no time. He glanced back making sure they were in perfect step as they started across the bridge, it was deserted save for one person in a lab coat. Professor Hojo was walking along. The SOLDIERs paid him no mind as he stopped near the middle to watch them approach the bridge.

"_1, 2, and so the bells echo, spreading far and wide in the depths of my heart_

_A legendary stardrop, inside it there's so many narrow paths etched out_

_With time, the ages pass; a shooting star passes without a sound_

_Close your eyes and listen hard, maybe you'll hear a 'Goodbye'_"

The bridge however began to shake violently as they crossed it, their perfect rhythm was set at the same level as that of the bridge and started to make a wave in the concrete that was rocking violently up and down. Hojo grabbed onto the warping steal glaring at the seemingly uncaring SOLDIERs as they continued singing.

"_Now that the light is released,_

_Surely it can't fail, across time it's got to reach someone_

_The light of glory is right across the way_

_It's the story I'm about to weave with you all_"

Hojo was now clinging desperately to the railing as the bridge it rocked even more violently. There were cracks forming into the pavement as Angeal's group ran in formation over the bridge. The cracks in the paper grew bigger as the full group crossed onto the bridge, reaching the final repetitions of the chorus.

"_Rays of light from the stars in the night sky above_

_Send a plea from across the ages_

_With colors that haven't faded_

_It's somebody's cry, reflected in those sparkling eyes_

_A wish carried on the wind, a request from the moon_

_To live as fully as possible, day by day_

_So that our wishes, too, will be in someone's heart someday,_

_Let's shine on like that star_.

_Rays of light from the stars in the night sky above_

_Send a plea from across the ages_

_With colors that haven't faded_

_It's somebody's cry, reflected in those sparkling eyes_

_A wish carried on the wind, a request from the moon_

_To live as fully as possible, day by day_

_So that our wishes, too, will be in someone's heart someday,_

_Let's shine on like that star_."

Hojo yelped as the whole bridge broke, the SOLDIERs leaped into the air seeming to take no notice of the break in it as they landed on the other side. Angeal smiled at the group, "nice work with clearing the jump but I'd rather the damage bill for today's morning workout not be so high so break formation on the next one."

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Down in the slums two boys were picking up groceries for their parents when the younger one spotted Hojo's body, "big brother, this guy are sick too!"


	93. Seven Lucky Static Clinged Underwear

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the dryer.

**A/N Today I was helping out with the laundry and I stuck my head into the dryer and suddenly felt nauseated as I was hit with a blast of static electricity. It took me a while to recover so when I got to thinking about how deadly they are.**

Hojo glared at Reno and Rude as they managed to squeeze through the front door carrying a very large cardboard box. It was also a very heavy since the size of the box implied that the contents were very large and heavy. The pair grunted before dropping it just inside the threshold. "Be careful with that!" Hojo screeched louder then a banshee with a microphone.

"Oy shaddup wouja," Reno groaned, Hojo had been yelling at them for the last two hours while they were hauling up the box.

"Arrogant punk! I will not be spoken in that manner!" Hojo shouted at Reno.

Reno glared at him, "step off you over grown excuse for a piece of rat crap."

"You insolent little cur, get out of my sight!" Hojo roared throwing both of the Turks out.

Rude looked over at Reno, "Reno do I need to take away you're CDs again?"

"Ah leave him, fugly geezer deserves a little manual labor," Reno laughed.

It was true, back in the apartment, Hojo was pushing the box to the laundry room, he fell forward as he got it in. "Stupid damn Turks I should have them deported. Or better yet I could use them in my next experiment." He muttered as he opened up the box and dug through the packing stuff. He pulled it out to reveal a brand new dryer, his old one had gone on the fritz and he needed a new one.

He slipped on some bubble wrap and clung to the door of his old dryer forcing it open again. He groped one hand higher to stand up but it hit the start button and the tumbler started going sending him a large face full of underwear. He was promptly smacked in the head by one of the tumbler arms and fell over hitting the lint screen. His hand flailed around hitting the speed and heat setting and sent both of them up to the limit of the machine. The arms and the underwear were pummeling him. The static electricity was building up in the dryer causing even Hojo's oily and goopy hair to stand on end. It started to build up even more power until there was a large explosion of energy. Hojo was sent flying into the new dryer and several sparks arced off of him onto the dryer.

The motor sparked to life and sent surges of energy everywhere through it. The dryer started making an unusual humming noise before the motor went haywire and the whole dryer exploded. Hojo was catapulted into the first dryer and it too exploded, both of these explosions caused the washer to explode.

When all was said and done Hojo was lying down on the ground with shrapnel littering his body. Reno and Rude walked back in upon hearing the commotion, the former sighed, "damn stuck with the stiff again."


	94. Six Kitties Purring

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII but I will be cosplaying Reno this weekend!

**A/N Okay well we're six away, but today I was watching Gackt stuff on YouTube. You should all know what this means for my diabolically sadistic mind. So today is another death featuring our favorite chocobo head, give a wark for Cloud and the Cadets of Shin-Ra!**

Cloud looked down at the cards held in his hands, he glared around at the rest of the group. He had all four fours, he set them down on the pile, "I call Revolution!"

Niko, another of the cadets set down all five fives, "I call counter Revolution."

Cloud grumbled drawing some more cards, they were two twos, a three and a seven, he had nothing. The turns passed around to the other Cadets and still Cloud had nothing. The game they were playing was a Wutainese card game called Dai Hin Min Dai Guren, or Rich Man Poor Man. They'd decided that the one with the most losses after five games would have to spend the rest of the day wandering Shin-Ra in the initiation outfit.

Cadet Strife sighed looking at Niko, both had two losses each and were now the last men standing. Cloud put down the seven of clubs he'd drawn a moment ago, Niko played two eights, Cloud looked down at his hand, all he had was that pair of twos. He sighed, "Poor Man…" he grumbled.

Niko threw his cards down on the pile gently, "good game Cloud."

"Good game Niko," Cloud replied smiling slightly.

"Let's get your suit," one of the other Cadets spoke up.

A couple of minutes later Cloud was in a full sized orange and red cat suit standing in the locker room. He sighed watching his friends watching him snickering, "go on Chocohead the head too."

He sighed as he put on the cat suit's head, he could see someone opening the door, and Niko sighed as Cloud shuffled by, "sorry man."

Cloud smiled from inside his cat suit, "no worries, I'll be fine."

He strode out into the hall; he turned a corner and pawed at the air when he thought no one was looking. This was actually fun, he put his hand up the cat mask's mouth and bobbed his head in a licking motion. He grinned giggling a little, he continued on down the hallway smiling. However there was someone coming down the hallway he did not expect, Professor Hojo was walking along casually looking over some papers twirling a pair of scissors.

Hojo was muttering to himself, "so Sephiroth will be the best man and Fair will be the maid of honor… soon Jenova… you and I will be wed…" he walked right into the cat suit clad Cloud.

"Move it," Hojo grunted before looking up at Cloud. "It… it can't be… it's the ghost of Ms. Tipsydalebooties…." Hojo's green skin went the color of curdled milk, "I… I'm sorry! It was just a small vivisection! I didn't mean to replace your heart with your kidneys! I was three! I didn't have glasses!"

"Um… well I'm not happy…" Cloud commented thinking this was some sort of candid camera thing.

Hojo let out a meep of shock, "I… I…" he turned around and bolted into a wall, he fell over, a small open vial flew up into the air. It landed all over Hojo's body in a cascade of sparks. His clothes and hair lit on fire and in a few minutes there was nothing left but a large burn mark. Cloud blinked, he put his hand up to the cat suit's mouth and made a meowing nose before continuing on with his trek of Poor Man failure.


	95. Five Bad Poems

Disclaimer: I don't own anything and I can write poetry if I put some effort into it.

**A/N I don't know how many of you have seen Peacemaker, it's a really fun anime series. But here's the point of this, more of Hojo's secret musings revealed naturally. So please welcome Aaron and Jenkins along with special guest appearances by other characters!**

Jenkins looked around the room curiously, he always found Hojo's office amusing, he didn't like his superior but the office he kept was rather entertaining. The young scientist reached out and poked a gyroscope to life; it whirled around for a while at Jenkins amusement. That was when he spotted it, a small handwritten book lying innocently on the desk; he picked it up and inspected it. He fell over laughing before standing up and pocketing the book in his coat and setting his report on Hojo's desk.

He smiled, Aaron had been down of late so maybe a little excitement would get him going back to his old self, "oy Aaron," he called walking down the hall.

"Oh… hey Jenkins," Aaron mumbled.

"Here read this," Jenkins smiled pulling out the book.

Aaron took it and read it, "The chemical scent/ intoxicating desire/ my only Jenova." He burst out laughing, "oh my Bahamut who wrote this crap?"

"Read another one," Jenkins encouraged.

"A chocobo cries/I hear and I stop my love/ my experiments, dude these poems are terrible!" Aaron howled laughing, "oh sorry man, I meant these are good, but I need you to explain what you meant by them."

Jenkins glared at him, "I'm not the one who wrote them so…"

Aaron grinned clapping an arm around him, "it's okay I just want to know what you were saying."

Jenkins ears perked up as the sound of sprinting caught his attention, "later I have a meeting," he pulled away walking for the nearest vending machine and just in time too. At that precise moment, a lab coat clad, glasses wearing, glowing golden eyed, goopy spiky haired Hojo arrived on the scene glaring at Aaron.

"You want to hear it? You want to hear what those poems mean?" Hojo growled venomously.

Aaron paled, "wait don't tell me… is he…"

Hojo charged, "GIVE IT BACK TO ME RIGHT NOW!"

Aaron turned tail and ran for his life, he turned a corner and ran past several Turks, Hojo flew after Aaron past the Turks. Verdot watched them, "ah Hojo's headlong sprint, I don't think we've seen that in a while!" He laughed.

Reno and Rude looked at each other mildly worried, "shouldn't we stop him?"

Meanwhile Aaron had done everything to get past Hojo and was now attempting to lose him in the Scientific Apartments. However a pair of movers was moving a couch out of an apartment, Aaron used his skills as a former Blitzball all-star and leaped over it. Hojo on the other hand tripped over it and fell into the trashcan. He twitched before his body crumpled into the drum, he'd hit his head on some broken glass and it had stabbed him in the brain. The lid fell over the barrel with a dull thud before the cart was pushed away, the label, "biohazardous material" in big bold letters on it.

Aaron skidded to a halt panting and holding the book, Jenkins appeared around the corner, "you managed to keep it away."

"Naturally," Aaron laughed, "come on, let's go get some tempura!"

Jenkins smiled, "mission accomplished."


	96. Four Coyote and Roadrunner Cartoons

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, or MacGyver.

**A/N According to my Worst Case Survival Scenario calendar today is Richard Dean Anderson's birthday. Some may know him better as Colonel Jack O'Neil but today we're talking about his role as MacGyver. He could save the world with anything, seriously, give him some chocolate and say goodbye to that nasty sulfuric acid leak. Bet it doesn't work for Hojo.**

Hojo sighed looking around; it was another boring day with nothing getting done. He sighed as the long room bustled with activity, it was his personal laboratory, and these were his personal assistants attending his personal experiments. He looked at the people scurrying around attending to this failure and that failure, it was a nuisance. He sighed glancing over at the Sephiroth clone in the tank, it was still young, scarcely nine months old and it looked as thought it were still an infant. Sephiroth would have a heart attack if he knew what Hojo did, but his son had no idea what was going on. He watched the life sign monitors, this clone would be different then the main project, and it was his pet project. This one would succeed. He pulled out a bar of chocolate and bit the corner off chewing it thoughtfully.

"Professor we have a problem!" Called Jenkins from one of the experiment areas.

Hojo groaned looking around, "what is it?"

"Sir it's the sulfuric acid tank! We've got a major leak!" he called.

Hojo stood up and shuffled over in his bunny slippers to the large sulfuric acid tank, several people in heavy-duty suits walked over and attempted to plug up the hole but to no avail. The sealant they were using wasn't working and the leaks were getting bigger. Hojo looked over at Aaron, "drain the tank." He sighed before starting to shuffle away.

"We can't the drain's clogged up with a hairball and the shut off valve for this filler is broken," Aaron commented pointing at a giant blackish wad in the tank and a busted lever currently being held by Jenkins, who was scratching his head. "Sir we need you to save the day!"

Hojo turned around adjusting his glasses and standing up a little straighter, he walked back over purposefully, "everyone stand back, and someone put on some hero music, I saw this on TV!"

Everyone who had already cleared to behind the acid proof blast shields paled as they heard the TV part. Aaron sighed looking over at Jenkins, "this could all end badly, ve-e-ery badly."

Hojo heard the dramatic cue music over the loudspeakers and got to work, he watched the leaking acid for a moment before going for the duct tape. He darted forward and put a small piece of tape on the progressively larger rupture and continued up the crack until it had a large jagged silver shape. He stepped back brushing his hands off. "All finished, you may now grovel at my feet." He smiled revealing his disgusting teeth.

The pressure in the tank however skyrocketed and the tank exploded, Hojo attempted to run out the nearest exit through the window. Hojo looked around for a moment mildly confused as got about five steps out of the window when he stopped running. He turned his attention downward seeing there was no ground beneath his feet. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a piece of paper and a sharpie writing, 'oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiii' but before he could add the t he ran out of paper and freefell sixty nine stories to become a pancake.


	97. Three Toothpicks Missing

Disclaimer: I don't own anything not even the formula used to calculate why today is the most dangerous of the year.

**A/N Hello happy peoples! Today is the sad panda 97. I decided that today we would step back from the insane since 99 is insane is as OOC and hysterical as I can make it. So here's your average day at the office with a not so average outcome.**

Hojo sighed waking up grunting, he had been asleep on those lumpy, hard, miserable hotel beds since his room at Shin-Ra was under repair and none of his employees would take him. He stood up and shuffled into the world's coldest shower, he let out a yelp as the cold water hit him. When he'd finished getting ready he pulled on his pants and shirt but when he bent down to get his tie there was a loud rip and a sudden breeze by his posterior, he'd ripped his pants clean along the seam.

He straightened up sighing, he fixed up his tie and walked out of the room he wandered down the stairs to his waiting convertible, the weather report that night had called for clear so it came as a surprise when he found his top down car was full of water and there was mud everywhere. He climbed into the car and drove down the street and took his car to the car wash. "Now I don't want any scratches on her," he told the workers as he put the top up.

A short while after it had gone through the wash Hojo was walking around his car inspecting it; the wax finish was so shiny you could see yourself reflected in it. He was impressed that his new car was intact until, "oh my Shiva." He muttered, there on the driver's side door was a scratch so small it would take a microscope to see it. "You scratched my car!"

"Sorry sir, no refunds," the manager replied. Hojo grumbled before checking his watch, he leaped into his car driving away. He was running late to a very important meeting if he didn't hurry.

He pulled into Shin-Ra leaping out of his car and taking off at a sprint, not thirty seconds after he ditched his car a tow truck pulled in and hauled it away for being in a fire zone. Hojo didn't notice though but he ran to the door before stopping and lifting his foot, "eew," he groaned seeing a piece of gum stretched between his shoe and the sidewalk. He ran forward until the gum snapped and headed for the door flying through the lobby to the elevator but stopped dead at the sign, 'closed for maintenance.' He grumbled and went to the stairs and went up the sixty-nine agonizing flights of stairs, gummed shoe sticking every step of the way.

At long last he made it to the laboratory before walking to his office, he entered looking at the flashing computer monitor. He turned it on and saw the email notification blinking, 'Dear HojoIsBringingSexyBackShin-Ra.xxx we regret to announce your email account has been terminated and you have also been fired. You have 24 hours to leave the premises of the office or risk termination. Time remaining: 00:00:30. You have been fired for missing the meeting which we informed you was to be held yesterday."

He blinked disbelievingly at the computer while the thirty-second timer whittled down to 0. He smirked, "well I'm still here." He dipped his hand into his desk and grabbed a box of toothpicks. He blinked again seeing all of them were gone. Sensing someone's eyes were on him, he turned around to see Jenova's head sitting on the desk looking up at him innocently. He smiled, "ah Jenova, I see you found my last 100 all natural, wax coated, mint flavored, Nibel pine toothpick." She grinned positioning the toothpick in the center of her mouth before tilting back and spitting. The toothpick whizzed through the air and cleanly through Hojo's jugular vein.

A few minutes later Kelly came by and replaced the sign on the door from 'Professor Hojo, Head of Science Dept.' to 'Professors Aaron Hyneman and Jenkins Savage, Co-Heads of Scientific Dept.'


	98. Two Queens

Disclaimer: I don't own anything and I rather like playing chess even though I'm terrible.

**A/N Well today is a very laid back day, after all tomorrow is going to be epic. Therefore I thought we'd round out the main series with the man who started it all. Ladies and gentlemen Turk Vincent!**

Hojo glared at Vincent, "what did you say?"

"I said leave Lucrecia alone," Vincent replied. "I'm serious I will fight you for her." His finger made an unconscious trigger pulling motion.

Hojo swallowed he would be trampled by the Turk in a fair fight, "alright then, since you challenged I get to pick the battlefield, now name your terms Mr. Valentine."

He nodded, "if I win you leave Lucrecia out of your experiments and life."

"And if I win you leave and never come back," Hojo countered.

Vincent swallowed a little, "alright then, name our duel Professor."

"The challenge shall be, chess!" Hojo shouted grabbing a conveniently placed board and set putting them on the table. "I call white."

"Very well then," Vincent sighed sitting down in the chair while Hojo set up the board, what he didn't noticed was that after he set down the black queen Vincent picked it up inspecting it. "This is a rather nice chess set, from Corel, the ash used to make the pieces is a native of there. It doesn't grow anywhere else."

Hojo glared at him and he set the piece down, "alright then let's go." He moved the pawn in front of his king forward two spaces.

Vincent moved the pawn right in front of Hojo's pawn to counter. Hojo brought his queenside pawn forward cutting off Vincent. However Vincent moved and captured Hojo's new piece. Hojo moved another pawn forward two spaces so it was next to Vincent's. However Vincent countered hastily with another capture. The battle progressed on in a true battle fashion, and the lone little black pawn was about to make it to Hojo's side of the board.

Hojo moved his queen to capture Vincent's, Vincent calmly moved his pawn to the other side of the board, "I want my queen back."

The scientist grumbled putting the queen where the pawn was. "Here."

"Um, Professor, that would be checkmate." Vincent commented pointing down at the board.

Sure enough, every escape route for Hojo's king was cut off. The scientist blinked, he mouthed in disbelief. "I… I lost?!" He picked up the table and threw it into the air. The black queen flew into the air and landed up his nose.

Vincent stood up adjusting his watch, "well I really must be off, TTFN, ta ta for now," he bounded out of the room before tapping his watch. The chess piece in Hojo's nose exploded. The Turk grinned, after all he'd switched the pieces when he was inspecting it, now to go find Lucrecia and propose.


	99. One Failed Hero

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but myself.

**A/N I put the call to arms forth and you responded with a vengeance! I was honestly surprised by the response I got to this. But I'll save the thank you for later. So the humble wanderer finally got sick of sitting behind the computer writing and decided to take matters into her own hands, by forming the Hojo Killing Society. So with an open heart and an empty stomach I say unto you in the words of Iron Chef, "Hale Cuisine!" Sorry for the First Person but I thought writing about myself in Third would be creepy.**

**Fade in music: Zero to Hero from Disney's Hercules**

I sat up looking out the window, last class of the day at school, and it was a Free Block, and normally this wouldn't cause me to complain. However it was Friday, I was tired, I had a three day vacation to look forward to, but me being, well me, I was hunched up under my Pirates of the Caribbean jacket in the darkest corner of the library on my laptop. As a writer I tend to do odd things, like huddle up in the corner writing, I wished for some tea but the No Food Policy had skyrocketed.

The lights dimmed, I pulled out my earbud and looked up to see my friend Lance joining me, "yo." I peered up at him from under my long brown coat.

"Hey Kam," he grinned, "so did you get any new figures over the week?"

"I got Valor Form Sora, and no I'm not trading him," I grinned impishly.

"Aww damn," Lance muttered.

I shut my laptop sliding it into my backpack, "come on, I need to get my Vincent picture from the Art room."

We left the building heading across the campus of school to the new Art Hall, however we decided to take the dirt road behind the school, which took us near the tree line of the forest. It had been raining nonstop all day, and it was a well-known fact that standing near an open body of water or trees in a thunderstorm was a bad idea. Guess what happened? We got struck by lightning naturally; the electricity caused me to black out.

When I came to, it was bizarre, for one thing it wasn't school, second I wasn't the only one lying in the street. Lots of people were sitting up and looking confused. The first ones I noticed were several people from school, Lance naturally, one of my underclassmen also sat there. "Kamui!" Kira glomped me.

"For the love of Ifrit gerroff me," I grumbled standing up. Now I could see it was a lot of people, the next person I noticed was my comrade in arms Bjanik, and I immediately pulled off my jacket, "God woman put some clothes on!" She was standing there in nothing but undergarments with a spoon and some ice cream.

"Oh, wow, where are we?" She asked completely unphazed by this display.

I finally took some time to check the surroundings, there were posters for Loveless everywhere, "I think we're in Midgar."

"Wow, kinda dank," she commented zipping up my jacket.

"Um, Kamui," a confused voice behind me spoke.

I turned around to see Seeker standing there, I turned scarlet, "wha… what're you doing here?"

She smiled, "I could ask you the same question."

I looked around; the group of people I saw earlier started panicking. "We're dead!" One of them, I dubbed Shinji, started crying. The group was so large I'd started coming up with nicknames for 'em.

Another of the group, a girl with long hair walked over, labeled Professor, "it's okay, and we're not dead.

A third girl spoke up in tie-dye, temporarily called Hippy grinned, "we're all fine."

A fourth member, who reminded me of Vincent, chimed in, "it's likely we're dead."

Hippy glared at him, "we're not dead!"

"I said it was only a chance," Vincent replied.

"You wanna start something?!" Hippy shouted.

Professor walked away from Shinji, "it was only a chance."

"Hey leave her alone," a fifth commented, aptly called Cowgirl.

I looked around to Bjanik, then at Seeker, "come on we've got work to do." I walked over to a large truck and climbed up onto the roof. After several failed attempts at whistling I shouted, "OY SHUT UP!" The group at large looked up startled, "better. Listen, we're not dead, we're in Midgar, that city from Final Fantasy VII. Now who here was somewhere else before being here?" The group's hands went up silently, "alright then, does anybody remember anything strange before they were knocked out."

There was a general muttering of a weird flash of lightning, I nodded thinking hard, and there must be some sort of binding tie between everyone. I started with the most likely one I could think of, "who here has a fan fiction dot net account?"

There was a unanimous raising of hands except from Seeker, Lance, and Kira, "alright next question, how many of you have read How Many Ways can you Kill a Madman?" There was a collective raising of hands again. "Now I want names."

Shinji looked up, "Nakamushi…"

A girl who'd been leaning against a wall looked up, "Alanna."

Cowgirl glared at me, "Rhianna."

Professor smiled, "Ishmaranara."

Hippy waved, "Call me Dibby!"

Vincent looked up stoically, "Flame Glyndor."

A girl about my age smiled at me, "Lyana Alastar."

Another girl nodded up at me, "Haejin."

Lance looked around, "I'm Cloud." I kicked him in the head, "I mean Lance."

Kira climbed up and glomped me again, "Kira here!"

I shoved her off, Seeker looked petrified, "Seeker…"

Bjanik finished her bite of ice cream, "Bjanik."

Rhianna glared at me again, "Who are you anyway?"

I put my hand to my forehead in a salute, "Name's Kamui, better known to you guys as xXxValentinexXx. I wrote that story. Apparently we're all here together for some purpose. So who wants to go Hojo killing?"

There was a cheer, before it stopped, "hey who died and made you leader?!" Shouted Rhianna.

I grinned, "well who else is gonna lead a crusade against Hojo but me?" There was a slight murmur of agreement. I took stock, everyone seemed to speak English, and everyone also seemed to be carrying weapons of some sort on them so no need to worry about that. Except for me, I had nothing, not even my iPod or PSP, I leaped off of the truck sighing. Some party leader I was, no weapon at all.

Seeker ran up next to me and put an arm around me, "that was brilliant."

"Thanks, so you got any weapons?" I asked her.

She slid two daggers out of her sleeves, "just like Mindy."

"Brilliant," I grinned back as we neared the Shin-Ra building.

"It's the Shin-Ra building!" Nakamushi exclaimed.

"Yes it is, I find it interesting we're even here," Ishmaranara commented.

Lyana ran up next to me, "so you're the real author right?"

"In the flesh," I replied watching her from under my hat.

"You're not what I expected at all, but I guess it can be hard to tell," she replied.

I smiled at her, "yeah it can be." I felt Seeker tug my arm as we walked through the doors, I grinned at her sheepishly looking around at the group. Haejin had fallen back and was chatting with Bjanik, Kira and Dibby were giggling incisively with Lance listening curiously, Alanna and Flame brought up the rear silently. However the next thing that caught my attention was a lone office desk and several confused looking people.

My mom was sitting at a misplaced office space in the middle of the lobby working, "okay now we're making this invoice out to… oh hi sweetie!" She looked up waving at me.

I smacked my palm to my forehead, "oh for the love of Bahamut… Mom what are you doing?"

"Invoices, why are you here? Shouldn't you be in school?" She asked me perplexed.

I felt my frustration growing, "mom… if this is your office, then why does it say Shin-Ra everywhere?"

"I was wondering why the monetary values on these invoices said gil," she replied casually. Nakamushi cowered behind Ishmaranara and Haejin at my outburst.

"You mean you were dimensionally transferred and you didn't even notice?!" I shouted startling several people.

"Not really," she replied.

I growled, "Why are you wearing a shihakusho?"

"I don't know, why do I have Zangetsu?" She countered.

I growled again heading for the elevator, "come on people…"

"I'm sorry about my Kami-chan's behavior, she has anger issues," my mom announced to the group.

I groaned before Seeker smiled at me, "Your mom seems nice."

"Seems nice but she can be evil when she wants to," I replied. We started up the stairs and had gone up about several flights, when I could hear singing.

"My name is Cloud! I have a sword! I fight cactuars because I'm bored!" Lance was less singing and more screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Will you shut up?!" My mom shouted from where she was talking to Ishmaranara and Bjanik.

"It's the Cloud Song," he whined.

I rolled my eyes and looked at Seeker, "I seem to attract a lot of people."

Kira shouted, "OMG! WE SHOULD SO GLOMP SEPHIROTH!"

Alanna looked over at Dibby, "what did you give her?"

"Nothing, she did that on her own," Dibby shrugged.

Haejin, Rhianna, Lyana seemed to be watching me like a hawk. I saw a door at the end of the stairs and pushed it open. Well attempted to, it didn't budge, Flame walked forward silently and touched the door and it swung open effortlessly. "Ladies first," he muttered smiling slightly.

I nodded, "thank you. Where did you learn that?"

"Nowhere special," he muttered. "We should keep moving."

I nodded and ran after him into a large empty room with a TV monitor descending from it, the rest of the group looked up at it too. I glared at it as Hojo's face came on; he was sitting in a large cushy chair with Jenova's head in his lap stroking it like a kitten. I groaned, "Could you get any more cliché?!"

He smirked, "ah my little Kami, yes, I know all about you and your little story, quite frankly I'm impressed you could have the attention span to sit at a computer. Your track record says you have a shorter attention span then that of a rodent."

I smirked, "well if that's the case, then save me the effort of listening to you yap and get to the damn point already. And call me little Kami again and I'm kicking your ass."

"Temper, temper, didn't your mother ever teach you any manners?" Hojo scolded.

Haejin and Alanna looked at my mom, "did you ever teach her any manners?"

She shrugged, "Kamui is Kamui it's all I can say. When she gets mad she's like a force of stubborn nature. That said I wish she'd watch her language."

"So basically she's a complete idiot," Ishmaranara sighed, "wonderful and I thought she was brilliant."

"I think she's brave standing up to Hojo like that!" Nakamushi shouted.

"Now as to my elaborate plan…" Hojo continued.

I rolled my eyes at Hojo, "for the love of Bahamut would you shut up already? I'd rather be stuck in double block of History then listen to this."

"You! You! How dare you mock me! You're just as uncouth as the stories say!" Hojo shouted.

I smirked, "really? Gee finally an accurate rumor."

Hojo was vehement but he tried to stay calm, "Very well, now you must face the clones I have made of everyone you care about! These will be one on one battles, if you don't comply then I will kill you all right now!"

Just then the door opened revealing what looked like someone in a black cloak with a large three-barreled revolver. His eyes glared a solid red, "a clone of Vincent?! Alright then, you clone Vincent then I show no mercy."

At that moment the gun was shot off bullets heading straight for Seeker and out of nowhere Flame was standing in front of me, katana in hand. He'd saved Seeker's life, "leave this one to me, I'll fight him, and you go." He was watching me with a stern look.

"You better catch up with us later my friend," I nodded at him.

"I shall," he replied, the rest of our group darted over to a small door on the right side of the room.

Flame glared at the Vincent clone, "…" He charged with his katana, the Vincent clone blocked and rolled out of the way before shooting again. They continued to fight in a deadly dance, Flame blocking every single one of the Vincent clone's shots. Flame panted out of breath, they'd been fighting for close to a half an hour and at the speed they were moving he wasn't going to last much longer. However he felt he had enough energy to give it one last attack, "Limit Break: Inferno Dance." He summoned a wave of fire around his blade as he launched into a twenty hit combo at the Vincent clone and landed on the other side of his falling body. Despite having successfully taken out the clone, a small dart launched from the wall and hit him squarely in the back of the neck. He clapped his hand around it before blacking out.

Back in the hallway we continued running along. Bjanik was now sharing her ice cream with Nakamushi, the others were talking, and I smiled at Seeker, "I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad you're here too," she replied.

The door ahead of us opened and several more clones stepped up. A Cloud, Sephiroth, Zack, Nero, Weiss, Tifa, Aerith, Nanaki, Genesis, Reno, Rude, the rest of the Turks, and any remaining FF characters stepped through, I walked forward ready to fight but the group surpassed me. "You guys what are you doing?" I asked confused.

"You're the hero of this story as I recall," my mom laughed drawing Zangetsu. "We can handle the army of guys, you go find Hojo and get back to school."

I nodded, "alright then, good luck everyone."

The battle was going to get epic, so I kept running through the doors and onwards to my glory as an RPG hero.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bjanik sighed looking at my mom, aka Lady Liberty, "So you sent her along while you're fighting?"

"Yep, after all THIS IS SPARTA!" She shouted cheerfully charging at the Zack clone with Zangetsu and engaging in an oversized clash of swords. She swung at the Zack clone again and engaged him in a duel.

Ishmaranara and Bjanik looked at the Sephiroth clone, "we've got no choice, we're going to have to team up to take him out." Bjanik commented.

Ishmaranara nodded, "you got it." She drew the large sword off of her back and she blocked the Masamune while Bjanik darted inside and shoved her spoon in Sephiroth's mouth. Out of nowhere Kira glomped Sephiroth from behind before leaping off of him and glomping the Reno clone to the ground.

The Rude and Tseng clones picked her up and started to carry her away when Dibby darted forward after decimating the Elena and Nanaki Clones. She whipped out a couple of small bags and threw them at the clones; they burst open and melted the heads off of them. Kira landed before stabbing the Rodney clone in the throat with the pen. She pulled out her notebook and opened it, "Burst of Inspiration!" She shouted writing some stuff down, the words leaped off of the page and strangled the remaining Turks.

Nakamushi and Rhianna meanwhile were engaged with a shootout involving the Rufus, Genesis and Angeal clones. Rhianna dove sideways as the Genesis clone launched a fireball at her head. In two shots she'd got him in the heart and head, Nakamushi wasn't having as much luck though with Rufus. She ducked another shotgun shell before shooting him in the head and then the Lucrecia and Yuffie clones in a spray of bullets.

Rhianna smirked before shooting the Angeal clone and firing again to hit the Barret clone. She landed before rolling out of the way as Haejin was engaged in a fistfight with the Tifa clone, the pair were in a stalemate until, "Lunasault!" Haejin went into a mad frenzy of kicks and punches destroying the Tifa clone and hitting the Executives.

Lyana meanwhile used the momentum of her dodge to dig her sword into the Reeve clone's body. Tip by tip the blade went through and cut him up before she dodged Nero's shots at her from behind. "Okay well this is getting interesting. Shut up this is dangerous. But I'm having fun." She spun around fighting the Nero Clone. She dodged behind him and landed the tip of a saw point in his head and pulled it down hard.

Alanna and Seeker were back to back between the Weiss and Aerith clones, Alanna blocked a shot from Weiss's gunblade while Seeker threw her daggers at Aerith drawing two more. The clone blocked the first one but the second soared through its neck. Alanna charged forward and blocked Weiss, "Execution Scythe!" She shouted before splitting the Weiss clone wide open.

At long last the place was littered with the bodies of the malfunctioning clones, Lady Liberty, clad in Ichigo Kurosaki's Bankai outfit sighed, "wow that was fun…"

"Agreed, now let's go catch up to Kamui, we can't let her have all the fun," Bjanik grinned before something rose out of the floor.

It looked like a large ball, with a Hello Kitty shaped post it note, 'congratulations touch this to go home.' Nakamushi spotted the note and ran forward, "home free!"

Ishmaranara barely missed grabbing her arm as she touched the ball; all at once there was a hale storm of tranquilizer darts. Everyone in the group was hit falling over unconscious, Seeker looked at the door hopefully, "Kamui…" she reached for the door before blacking out. The door opened as an Aaron, Jenkins, Kelly, and Serena clone walked out and dragged the bodies off.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Bjanik sighed leaning against the wall of their prison cell watching a fight on a monitor, "is it just me or is Kamui taking her time?"

Seeker nodded, "yeah, I've known her for a while she's coming…" she trailed off blushing a little.

Bjanik smiled at her, "she'll pull through, just have faith in her."

Haejin stood up from where she'd been relaxing against another segment of wall, "well not that waiting for our leader isn't fun but I wanna get out of here." She walked over to the bars inspecting them. "Hmm they won't break easily and our weapons are across the hall."

Rhianna joined her, "agreed, I've got some yarn if you want to try and net one of our weapons."

They glanced around the group, Flame was meditating in a corner, Ishmaranara and Lady Liberty were engaged in conversation, and Lyana, Alanna and Nakamushi were huddled up in conversation. Kira and Dibby were chatting animatedly while Lance had taken up singing again, "because I am Cloud! My hair defies all gravity! And I can't have to many potions or I might get cavities!"

Someone across the hall was watching them, "what's that you're singing?" Came an all too familiar voice that sent a shiver down everyone's spine. Sephiroth was gazing at them from across the hallway.

"Um… the Cloud song," Lance squeaked.

"Hmm," was all Sephiroth said in response to it.

My mom glanced away from the monitor spotting someone in the cell dozing next to Sephiroth, "Zack is that you?"

"Huh? Mom? What are you doing here?" Zack panicked.

She nearly fell over laughing, she would have a lot of explaining to do if her daughter had been present, "no Zack, but what are you doing in here? Did Hojo kidnap you guys too?"

He sat up nodded, "you bet, one minute I was about to beat this giant troll and the next I'm locked up in here. Who are you if you're not my mom?"

"We're supposedly the rescue team," she replied walking away from Ishmaranara and heading to the bars. "But it would seem our efforts failed epically. We got pwned."

"Ma'am never use modern language again," Zack requested.

"Oy shut the hell up in there yo, I'm tryin' ta sleep," came a groggy call.

"Reno you jerk off you shut up," Zack shouted back.

Rhianna and Haejin glared at everyone, "okay stand back. We think we may have a way out, Sephiroth can you summon a fireball?"

"What for?" The SOLDIER asked.

"When you shoot off the fireball it'll set of the sprinklers and rust the bars from there we can freeze them with Bjanik's ice cream then Sephiroth can summon another fireball to break our bars, we grab the keys and let everyone out," Rhianna explained.

However before they could enact this plan, Flame and Vincent stood up from their unnoticed areas and walked to the doors of their respective jail cells and pushed them open casually. They swung open letting out a long squeak as they did so, both stepped out and nodded at each other in silent agreement, it hadn't been that hard to figure out. They walked down the hall leaving the others dumbfounded.

Lyana walked after them purposefully, "Hojo go 'splody."

Alanna and Nakamushi joined the large throng of people walking out, Ishmaranara smiled at Haejin and Rhianna, "come on you two, if you want to vent then do it on Hojo."

Bjanik looked at Lady Liberty, "I don't know about you but I don't want to waste any more time here." She walked out; Seeker smiled slightly looking at Lady Liberty before trotting out after Bjanik.

Lady Liberty sighed following the large crowd to Hojo's control room, Hojo was sitting there ranting, "and then I'll kill the old buffoon Shin-Ra and take over the world. From there I'll transplant myself into that stupid, bratty, arrogant, egomaniacal, fool's world and take it too! It's genius! Pure genius I say!"

They all snuck up behind Hojo, Sephiroth took back Jenova's head, while the rest of the group let out a roar of frustration. "Grab him!"

They carried Hojo, seat and all into the air before climbing up the stairs to the roof of the Shin-Ra building. The crazy scientist was panicking and trying to escape, "no let me go! How did you get out? What are you doing? I will kill you for your transgression against me!"

Seeker grinned up at him and in her best William impression; "you forgot I had a stick of C-4 on me."

He contemplated this as they reached the roof, "what?!"

There was a group shout, "what now?" They paused, "toss him overboard!" And with that, the human wave pushed forward and sent Hojo off of the roof of the Shin-Ra building. They leaned over the railing to watch him fall all 70 long stories to the bottom, where he hit with a sickening thud. The group milled around for a moment, before they all decided to head downstairs.

They were heading to the exit when at that precise moment, "I'm here to… save… the day?" I burst into the room starting off dramatically before losing all gusto. "Hey wait?! What the hell?!"

"Um Kam, you're a little late," Lance snickered.

I looked over at Kamui, "dammit… I'm gonna go angst."

She smirked, "not my fault you were late to your own party."

"Ah screw you, you're the one who got all angry at me," I retorted glaring at her.

"Oh and I suppose the files of my story on your computer just deleted themselves?" She snapped.

"You wanna go?!" I shouted.

"Bring it on, I'll make you wish you never had that so called crash," she cracked her knuckles.

We charged at each other head on; Vincent calmly hit both of us in the ribs sending us floating to the ground. "Justice prevails," he muttered.

Seeker ran over and helped both of us up, "are you okay? Where were you?"

"Fine, I got caught up in a fight with this loser…." I muttered starting to recount my tale.

"Several empty floors up I stopped running, half out of breath and half worried, the group was more then capable of handling a bunch of clones so what was taking them so long? I shook my head; one more floor and then I would go back and check on them. I opened the door walking in; it seemed to be empty just like all the other ones. However two doors on the sides of me opened up, the one on the left caught my attention, after all the threat walking through it was bugging me. A long mane of silver hair, the Oathkeeper and Oblivion keyblades, a side part to cover the missing eye, it was my original character Kamui Valentine from my very first fanfic. Glancing over my shoulder I saw a short child with a red stripe down the middle of her black hair, eyes identically colored to my own and armed with a claymore, Ariella Hewley. 'You cloned my OCs too?' I shouted.

'Well you do tend to like to play God, now let's see what happens when the created reject their creator, and I think I'll be nice and give you a background soundtrack.' Hojo commented over the intercom, before some music started up, I recognized it almost immediately; it was Reckless Fire from the s-CRY-ed anime. I would have to compliment Hojo on his choice of music since it fit present company.

Ariella and Kamui charged me, I braced for impact by flinging my arms over my head, a moment later I opened the eyes I hadn't realize I'd closed. I was holding two weapons; one looked like a miniature bandaged Buster Sword with notches in it, and the handle-blade conjunction was five materia slots, while the keychain was that of the Cloudy wolf. I glanced over at the other one, it had a black hand guard with two spikes coming out of it, the place where the blade met handle was the Nobody insignia, a long silver blade with a four black and silver pronged key part that twisted around to form the blade which held a faint resemblance to a bat wing, the keychain here was a four pointed star. 'Aw sweet Fenrir and Acrossing Two!' I shouted repelling Ariella and Kamui. Glancing down I saw my whole outfit was black and red, 'Valor Form!'

They came at me again, I leaped into the air and they followed me, I grinned, I created them, so I knew their weaknesses, 'hey Ariella, Angeal's leaving without you!'

She stopped before landing and running to the door and leaving, well Kamui would be harder; after all she had Kenpachi Zaraki's personality. I spun around in the air as we traded blows. 'You know you're the one who keeps motivating me.' I complimented, it was kind of nice to be able to talk to someone I only RPed with nowadays.

'Gee thanks for the compliment and losing my story you jackass of an author!' She shouted followed by, 'Blazing Angel!' I was hit by the fiery Limit Break and sent crashing to the ground.

Staggering to my feet I smirked, 'you know you can't beat me, because I have the gift of being your author and I know every move you do. Besides if there was one thing I learned from you it was, 'as long as you know what you're protecting then you have all the strength you need.' Blazing Angel!' I shouted mimicking her limit break. The fight dragged on until we were out of breath, and I was wiped out, but Kamui wasn't in top form either.

'Looks like this is the end,' I panted.

'Yeah,' she agreed smirking.

'I've just got enough left…'

'For one last attack.'

'So ready or not…'

'Cause…'

'Here…'

'I…'

'Come! Blazing Angel!' We charged at each other, in an instant we connected. We stood there back to back, I felt cold and saw an arc of crimson shoot forth. At which point I fell over feeling cold and dead." I finished my story dramatically.

Unfortunately no one, not even Seeker was listening anymore, they were all standing by a large contraption, I stood up grinning, well if Hojo was dead the least thing I could do was destroy his evil weapon of annihilation. I forced my way to the front; "alright then," I summoned Acrossing Two and started beating the tar out of the machine hearing a bunch of gasps and catcalls behind me.

"You idiot!" I heard Rhianna shout. "That was the machine that brought us here! Now we can't go home!"

I watched the whole group with the exception of Seeker walked away, Lance was once again singing the Cloud song, I took Seeker by the hand gently and called to him, "hey Lance what was it you were saying? Something about how Zack is lame and Cloud is the greatest?"

Cloud and Zack looked up confused at this, my dear mother on the other hand, "that's it I'm kicking his ass!"

Lance smirked, "bring it on sister!" She decked him comfortably as we walked through one of the halls.

Bjanik watched them amused, when Sephiroth walked over to Cloud, "Sephiroth what do you want?" Cloud asked.

"What I want Cloud," he paused for dramatic effect, "is my hair gel back. So I can have perfectly pointy bangs just as my Mother did long ago."

Cloud glared at him, "what about my hair?!"

"Well, that's up to you, Cloud," they burst into a fight, while Zack was curled up on the floor laughing.

Genesis rolled his eyes heading away to stand next to Angeal, who was carrying Ariella on his shoulders.

I sighed pulling Seeker away from the group, "come on. Let's go."

"Go where?" She asked.

**Fade out music: GO!!! By FLOW aka Fighting Dreamers**

In case you were wondering what happened to everyone after the dimensional transport was destroyed. Well here's pretty much what happened:

Ishmaranara, Aaron and Jenkins have been working hard to get the machine repaired for our return home, though there's no rush on this end. Dibby and Kira became partners in crime and opened a combination of music store and yoga studio. Rhianna's still annoyed at the situation but is working for the group in Fort Condor as an agent in Midgar. Alanna and Lyana have both gotten into the weapons selling business as full partners. Haejin joined Zangan's school of martial arts in order to further her training. Flame's gone to Wutai to continue his bushido studies. Lance meanwhile entered SOLDIER where Zack frequently seems to pound him into the ground, I'm happy to report Sephiroth and Bjanik's budding friendship. My mom, Lady Liberty seems to have been mistaken by Rufus for his own mother, and after President Shin-Ra's convenient "accident" following Hojo's demise is currently running most of the world. Everyone else has gone back to their normal lives; my Kamui has gone back to Vincent's place, Ari's still living at Shin-Ra, and so no worries there. As for Seeker and I? Well we're taking a well-earned vacation to Costa del Sol.

"Hey Kamui come on!" I glanced away from my laptop at where Seeker was running into the oncoming surf. The radio was blasting out Genesis's come back hit single, Returner – Yami no Shuen.

"Be there in a moment," I called closing my laptop and standing up and venturing from my beach chair and parasol enjoying the sand between my bare feet. I walked over to the edge of water when a large wave came ashore soaking my sleeveless hoodie and shorts. I pulled off my sunglasses, "alright ya stupid ocean…" I slunk back to my chair and lay down.

"I have a large pizza for Ms. Kamui and Ms. Seeker," the delivery guy called.

I handed him the gil waving at Seeker, she ran back ashore before stopping, "Kamui watch out!" She shouted pointing behind me. The radio had faded out Returner and started into Rising Dragon by Flow.

I spun out of the way still holding the pizza box, one of the Hojo Spore monsters jumped me, I threw the pizza box into the air leaning back to dodge a scythe strike summoning Acrossing Two and slicing it open. It fell over dissolving into little black dust bits, I reached up caught the box and pizza in my hand, and slice I had been eating in my mouth. I dispelled the keyblade taking the pizza out of my mouth, "why can't we ever have a normal vacation?"

**Real Fade Out Music: Rising Dragon by FLOW**

**A/N Let me know in your reviews if you liked it, and if you want me to continue the adventures of all the people stuck on Gaia who must now deal with the mysterious Hojo spore monsters. Stay tuned to tomorrow's grande finale!**

** Valentine, the Failed Hero**


	100. 100 baby!

Disclaimer: For the 100th time I don't own Final Fantasy VII or anything like it!

**A/N As I sit here and write the last of this saga I'm forced to look back at everything that has come before it. The laughter of Reno shouting, "hey look it's Jenova's head!" for the first time, the heartbreak of not being able to upload. The wonderful double life of Genesis Rhapsodos as a rock star beating the guy with the powers of Rock and Roll. The zany antics of Sephiroth and Zack as they pulled Cloud into a nefarious scheme. All of the moments we've shared, the friends we've made, the Hojo's we've killed, I've enjoyed every single moment.**

**A lot has changed since I started this story, when I began on a sunny afternoon in mid September I came up with the idea on a whim in class. I was on my free block when I started writing Galian's Chew Toy, huddled up in my familiar corner of the library. I had too much Earl Gray tea and was over at one of the websites I frequent complaining about Hojo at their hate club for him. I sat there for about fifteen minutes writing the first episode of the series in a mad frenzy of inspiration. After that it just went from one to the next in rapid succession until I'd reached the third death.**

**I swear time flew after that; my free time was spent coming up with new and innovative ways of eradicating the menace. I almost forgot that by November I would have to go into overdrive of NaNoWriMo, which went over like something that doesn't fly. My plot died and I had no real connection between the scenes I had, I was out of it. Then December 1 rolled around and I was sitting in Bjanik's house making onigiri and posting a new death. It was almost something of a relief when that happened.**

**My life felt normal again, heck I bet you by the time I post I'll be sitting here for about ten minutes contemplating this. Normally I'm not one to do any sort of success thing without some sort of major setback. I cop out pretty earlier on when I try and accomplish something. I was over the moon when I got my first review for this and it's going to be kind of sad not getting on my email daily to see you people writing a review. Ah well… all good things must come to an end I suppose, like that sad feeling you get when you finish an ice cream or a chocolate bar.**

**Someone asked me if I would add on more or do a sequel, my answer is I might do a sequel to 99 because I'm curious if we ever got home, but otherwise no after today this story is done. I set out to do 100 and I've done 100. But this won't be my final writing story; I'm an inquisitive scoundrel by nature so you may seem me here and there.**

**As the First Doctor of Doctor Who once said: "One day I shall come back. Yes I shall come back. But until then there must be no tears no regrets no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine."**

… … … … … … …

**Oh wait, you didn't come here to hear me rant did you… you were expecting an actual Hojo death. (Sweat drop) Um… crap… well… there was something I've been saving for a rainy day. (Looks out window) Yep it's raining chocobos and Tonberries so here:**

Hojo walks into a bar, Reno and Rude duck.

**I've been waiting to do that since day one.**

**Kthnxbai!**

**Oh wait… you want me to actually kill him? All right well how can I refuse your last request?**

Rude grunted, "ninety seven, ninety eight, ninety nine, one hundred," he let go of the bar and landed on the ground. He wiped his face off with a towel and sighed, the training room was being remodeled so he was forced to practice with a bar in the hallway.

"Oy Rude whacha doin?" Reno asked appearing in the hall with a smirk.

"Pull ups," Rude replied.

Reno grinned and jumped at the bar, "way to easy." He missed grabbing it and glared up at it. He leaped again once again his fingers just brushing it. On the third try Rude grabbed him and helped him up to grab the bar. He pulled up but ended up swinging in the air. He tried again with similar results; on the third try he managed to get his chin up over the bar. He let go glaring at the bar, "what the hell is up with this thing?"

"Reno… you may be good looking but you have no muscle in there," Rude muttered. He moved the bar down to just below Reno's head. "Now try it."

"Okay yo…" Reno bent down and started balancing on one foot before trying a few, "hey this ain't so bad!" He stood up after doing about twenty. "I feel pretty good! But man I smell like a chocobo stable."

Rude sighed, "Well I'm no bed of flowers either."

"Come on, let's go get a shower," Reno grinned as they walked away ducking under the pull up bar.

A few minutes later Hojo came walking by poring over some paper work, he didn't see the bar in front of him and was flung around several times through the air. The bar had crunched his nose in and shoved it into his brain. He fell to the ground with a thud.

A few minutes later the Turks came back, Reno laughed, "ooh man down people."

**Well ladies and gentlemen it's been real but it's time for me to ride into the sunset. (Climbs onto chocobo) Hi ho chocobo away! (Rides in wrong direction) Sayonara!**

**Fade out music: Electric de Chocobo**


End file.
